"Ah, But We" from "I Have Known Love: Poems of Love and Loss" by Devi Nina Bingham

 

                                

                         Ah, But We

                                                       Ah, but you-

you did not know how to speak the words that would earn my heart.

You sidestepped them, for only in silence could you speak.

You always did as you were told, and this was the endless anger that burned inside, a wick never to be extinguished.

Into the endless darkness you fell and dragged me with you, for you would not go

alone into a silent world that offered only abasement and abuse.

We fell together, two star-crossed lovers holding hands, plummeting to the bottom where sure death waited, licking its avarice chops.

 

Ah, but you-

you could not know how your fury stunned me.

How I questioned my sanity and my heroic heart which was more stupid than brave.

You could not know how folded up inside I became when your smile went away and never returned.

You could not ask me for anything though you wanted to, more than anything.

It is impossible to say when we hit bottom because neither of us let on how much we agonized, trying to fool the other in a game of, "I don't care."

We lied to ourselves, refusing to mention how love could beat the heart to death until it was so battered it could no longer utter a pleasant word.

 

Ah, but you-

you decided it would be easier to talk to someone else about it while I searched the skies patiently and impatiently for any sign as a break in the weather.

 

Ah, but I-

I stopped living so you would return, but you never glanced back, your heart never skipped a beat while mine became the walking dead.

 

Ah, but we-

our hearts are made of dissimilar materials.

Mine of tenderness encased in metal, yours of metal encased in tenderness,

for what is at the core of a person cannot be changed.

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