Saturday, December 12, 2015

My "Youth To Wisdom" Makeover


I'm getting nervous about the makeover I committed to doing...I contemplated backing out, but I'm going through with it regardless of the comments I may get. You may be wondering, why is she so nervous about a makeover-isn't that something women look forward to? But this isn't just any makeover, it's sort of a makeover in reverse. The decision to go grey is my second "coming out of the closet." Instead of looking younger, I'm stripping out the hair dye and donning glasses so I can purposefully look...older. My 50-something birthday is fast approaching and to celebrate, I'm going for a major overhaul. I'm documenting the process with a radio interview and a blog article as I attempt to embrace my aging self. I'm a counselor, so I have every right to diagnose myself with a mid-life crisis...except I'm not in mid-life anymore. However, this definitely qualifies as a crisis.

The point of it all is to celebrate my encroaching maturity: to observe and honor it rather than lament it. Given what I've been through, arriving at age 52 in one piece is proof that I'm strong (only the strong survive, right?). Beyond that, willingly giving up the appearance of youth is a sign that my soul kept growing...maybe that's what I'm documenting. I'm not pausing my life to note that I survived the suicide of my daughter-it's more than that. I'm pausing to see that in the process of surviving, my hair shed it's color, my eyesight went from bad to worse, and the crinkles and creases decided all on their own to make a statement about me. My body seems to be saying: there is beauty in the cracks. But can I say the same thing?

When I look in the mirror what I see first is the damage. There are age spots on my hands, and more hair than any woman should have to endure on her lip. My eyelids are drooping (that's the latest find), and the "fine lines" have revolted, cementing themselves into deep crevasses where I smile and frown. I won't even tell you what my neck skin is doing (hint: it has something to do with a turkey). I wish I could see beyond these alarming changes, because I don't enjoy feeling this way about myself. The 40's forced upon me the harsh reality that my youth was over, and at 52 I'm giving up the fight. I'll surrender the hair dye and put my glasses on. I'll lose the extra weight my doctor says I need to lose so I can live an extra 10 years because suddenly I realize...I'm ganna need it.

I don't like the idea of getting old and I don't think that I'm alone. When I told Facebook friends I was going to look my age most of them politely supported me, offering an enthusiastic "thumbs up," but I wondered how they really felt about aging. Will they think I'm as pretty when the first thing they see is a head of grey and the glint of designer glasses? Will they think I'm still cool? I admire women who have managed to age gracefully rather than look like a worn-out tire, because it's a lot of work to keep it all together-you know, "the look:" there's fashion to consider if you want to maintain some personal panache (if I can't be young, at least I can be stylish). I wonder how important style will be in my final years. As the river flows, will it wash away my last bit of concern over what people think, and will I abandon myself to purple hair? Gosh I hope not...but you never know.

What concerns me the most about aging is that I'll start slipping in my ability to relate to popular culture and find myself in a perpetual time-warp of 1982, but it's already happening. I scoff at the hipsters and their trendy beards. I pull up next to a driver who looks like a child behind the wheel, and I panic-who gave this kid the keys?! The clincher is going to the doctor and realizing that the sweet young lady you've been politely chatting with while waiting for the doctor is in fact your doctor and trying not to appear startled because she holds your tenuous life in her smooth, age-spotless little hands. I'm re-thinking 1982...it wasn't such a bad year.

I'm calling this a "reverse makeover" because most women come out looking younger than before while I'm doing the opposite. But when you think about it, is moving forward really going in reverse? Isn't moving forward the natural direction we're supposed to move? Then why are most of the middle-aged women I know still trying to shove themselves into reverse? I started asking myself questions about age when my grey hair couldn't be quelled any longer. It's come to this, I said gravely to myself...this is it, the jumping off point. There's no more denying or masking it, the grey has won the turf war. My eyesight is about as good as a moles, and if my neck and arms flap any more someone's going to mistake me for the American flag.

I've decided right then to let myself off the hook. Why prolong the inevitable? Then I wanted to shout: I am a 50-something woman, and if you want to salute me when my arms flap, go right ahead, because I've earned a little respect, dammit. If you don't like the Youth to Wisdom Makeover results, I won't be offended-just don't tell me. I'm still working on loving me-all of me, even the chips and cracks because this embracing your wisdom stuff is tougher than it looks.

Beauty In The Cracks-My Youth to Wisdom Makeover

                         
           See all Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Monday, October 12, 2015

Letter To My Younger Self



Letter To My Younger Self (things I wish someone would have told me):

Dear Younger Self,
Style counts. Your personal panache says a lot about you. My motto has always been: "If you can't be good, at least be stylish." I don't mean it in the fashion sense. I mean that if you're going to make mistakes, make them big and make them your own. Be 100% invested in whatever you do, even your missteps. If you compromise, you'll forever wonder what could have been, and is there anything more torturous than knowing a dream was within your grasp but you didn't reach for it?
When you live true to yourself, people may not understand, and they may not agree. You've got to get past the need for approval because if you don't, you're never going to belong to you. There are energy vampires just itching to drain every last drop of authenticity and originality out of you. You were not born to live someone else's dream; you were born to be an original. Yet we keep competing and comparing as if we are cookie-cutter people. Being the same only breeds boredom and low self-esteem.
The irony of low self-esteem is that you were the only one who couldn't see how super fantastic you were. You couldn't see it because your eyes look outwards. You could only see others and they became your mirrors. They could only see the outside of you and not your eager heart, so they discouraged you from making a bold statement. They didn't realize how much you'd been given and how much you had to share. But that was way back. And here you are, miles and miles from where you started, yet your heart never outgrew the miracle of you. You never imagined it would take so much time to grow into you. All the while looking for answers outside of yourself-a detour from the main event: your precious uniqueness. The answer's been walking around in your skin the whole mixed up, messed up time.
My advice to you, younger self, is to never "dummy down" your bright sheen for someone who doesn't like sparkly things. Never apologize for your inherent quirks, oddities and original ideas, because that's what makes you...you. The world obviously needs you just as you are, or you wouldn't be here. I say: Be the freak you are. Be extravagant, be outrageous, be too much if you must, but flaunt your panache. Be the sun-kissed, fierce daredevil that was born to shake things up.
Learning your worth will take a lifetime, but it's worth the search. You'll forget who you are along the way and leave behind little pieces of your heart, given to other broken-hearted superstars. Gathering those pieces back won't be possible, there's no glue strong enough to hold it all together. Take what's left and re-invent yourself. Give the world a second version of you but make it the real one. The next you will either be hard, unyielding and sharp to the touch, or unapologetically unforgettable.

Whatever you do, don't let your greatness get you down. Wear your crown for the world to admire. If others can't see it, pity them. Perhaps they haven't discovered how to live true to themselves yet. Remember, nobody said it was going to be easy, seeing as how you're royalty and all. But nobody can do it like you can, in the exact way you can. I hope you'll fall in love with the girl-woman in the mirror. Until then, take my advice: at least be stylish.

See all of Nina's bookshttp://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Destiny vs. Fate




Sometimes your inner Astral Self tries to warn you that something is going wrong. Your Astral Self is sort of like the guardian of your Destiny. We all come into the world equipped with two things: a fate, and a destiny. There is a difference between the two-and it's important you know the difference. If it's fate, you can't fight it-it will follow you; some things were meant to be. As Paul Coelho said, "I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfill our destiny, but our fate is sealed." But if destiny is haunting you, there's nothing you can do to shake it. No amount of resistance is strong enough to keep the tidal wave back. It's like getting caught in a Universal rip tide: you can swim against it, struggling to free yourself of it's magnetic pull, but the harder you swim, the deeper you'll be sucked in. These emotional riptides are the hand of destiny. I wish someone would have explained to me the difference a long time ago. It would have saved me the chaos and hurt that comes when we swim against what is meant to be. If I listen to my heart it will always guide me in the right direction because it's encoded with destiny's directions.

A strong indication that I've been headed in the wrong direction is when I feel the need to rescue; when I can't see how the other could possibly do without my assistance. It's at that moment that I need to let go. They need to swim out of my karmic riptide to safer shores. When the impulse to do what I always do strikes me (which is to rescue), I need to remember to do the opposite. Why I keep "rescuing" has to do with my karma, which is a complicated thing. My karma, or what I was handed in life, is my fate. It was my fate to be born to a dysfunctional, abusive, and mentally ill parent. It was my fate to experience serious depression. It was my fate to get a divorce because it was my fate be a born a lesbian. It was my fate to birth a teen who would take her own life because of the depression she inherited. And it was my fate to write a book about that journey. Fate's severity can take our breath away. Fate is the myriad of circumstances, both the heavy and the wonderful, that were presented to me to face in this lifetime. Fateful circumstances came to me instead of me finding them, which is what makes it seem so unfair. I didn't ask for this! How many times have I said that? But in truth, I always had a choice about how I responded to my karmic linchpins. I could survive them and make the most of them, or I could turn sour and bitter, claiming that life dealt me a losing hand of cards. The Guardian of Your Destiny, that cosmically wise heart inside that has seen you through your darkest hours, is still at the helm, and if you want to change your fate, you still can.

Your most precious quality is the willingness to keep your heart unreasonably open. When it would be easiest to harden, to turn away or throw an insult, it is the practice of compassion that helps us manage the impossible. Sometimes the most compassionate response is no response at all, because truth always bubbles to the surface. Keep yourself open, humble and available; that's all you need to do. Allow Infinite Love some time to work on the hearts around you and get out of the way. Then you'll see the wondrous hand of Providence, and you could never do any better than that. The key to avoiding disaster is always found in a compassionate response. But how do we find the strength to keep our hearts open when they are aching or begging us to strike back?

The Guardian of your Destiny is your astral inner self.  You've got this compass inside that knows where you should go, who you should meet, who you should love, who will break your heart, and who will tenderly and carefully hold it. Your heart broadcasts these subtle but persistent messages. But when fate comes along and presents itself we can mistakenly assume it's "meant to be." We mistake fate for destiny and welcome it with open arms. The irony is: what looks like destiny ("meant to be") may actually be fate-a circumstance to test us, something we have control over. The repeating circumstances in our lives try to show us in living color what we have learned, and what we have yet to learn. Fate will tap dance into your life time and again, waving your life's lesson right under you nose. Some of us have discovered what our lesson is, but even those of us who have figured it out still struggle with the lesson (My life lesson is: "You can't rescue anyone, you can only love them"). Fate and destiny can look so much alike that we are fooled, and consequently made a fool of.

The events that are truly out of your conscious control are destined, and soul mates which were prearranged to meet you are destined. This is not the same as fate-that which you can change. Destiny is like the iceberg that you are going to hit, regardless of where you steer the boat. The ship's steering is gone, the wheel is spinning and when you hit it, you're definitely going down. Life is swimming along when suddenly you are tossed into the ocean and you've just entered dangerous water that's way over your head. The Guardian of Your Destiny is the captain in these situations, and she holds the map of your life in her capable and certain hands.

Mythologist Joseph Campbell equates the Guardian of your Destiny to the archetype of the Old Crone; an all-knowing, supernatural Fairy Godmother and protective figure:[3]

Destiny will surely leave us in darkness just as it will bring us the light. In The Dark Night of the Soul (St. John of the Cross), confusion reigns, and castles crumble. The crone comes in with a wrecking ball, or she gently and mercifully washes away your plans and dreams. Either way, what you planned is going to be shredded and offered to the wind. That's when you have the opportunity to become a sweet sacrifice; you have a chance to grow into a person you could have never been without the dreadful hand of destiny. And after she has gone, you'll look back on what you'd planned and will say in awe: "What I got was so much better." But while you're going through The Dark Night of The Soul, it will look like chaos, for destiny will persistently and doggedly steer you towards that which you think will finish you. But as they say, it's not over until the fat lady sings.

At the end of your journey the fat lady will be there to welcome you back to the Other Side with open, if flabby arms. She'll be singing with such gusto that you'll be forced to smile or to laugh out loud. She'll be laughing with you now (instead of at you), because you discovered in the struggle to survive that not only could you swim, but you were tougher than any shark and you developed night vision. Yes, you survived the murky, dark waters more times than you thought possible. Yes, it was terrifying, but the journey was also more breathtaking beautiful, more fascinating, and much more dramatic than any movie you ever saw. The best part-what the fat lady is singing about, is your happy ending. There's one written for every single one of us by the Guardian of Our Destiny. She's standing tall to light your way-and although a lot of people will, she will never fail you. When you wonder if you're headed in the right direction, never fear: remember, you are the Daughter (or Son) of Destiny, and she will see you safely Home.


Click here for all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0
  











          

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Courage To Be Vulnerable

Today I drove past my daughter's High School, the Dairy Queen we used to make late night ice cream runs to, and the condo where she died while I slept soundly in the next room. The tears gushed even as I fought them back. I sobbed over my steering wheel like I sometimes do when I travel down this road. Yet rather than avoid it, I make myself go down this terrible street. Why? Because I never want to forget what I learned at such a terrible price. Even when it reduces me to a broken pieces, I choose the road that I don't want to travel. Now when I am lost, I choose to reach out for someone's hand and let myself be comforted for awhile. This is what vulnerability looks like. It isn't pretty, is it? It's messy and often humiliating. But there in the car, sobbing out my anguish, I was my most beautiful self, because behind the tears and all the confusion, a heart was being healed. When people open their hearts, they get better.

We are easily disassembled and not easily mended. Yet the strongest heart demonstrates a willingness to be torn so it might be healed. A heart that demonstrates a willingness to suffer is the same heart that has unknowingly called angels who will scatter the demons. Looking at our mistakes is hard and embracing them takes such immense honesty; to sit with our pain is an act of courage. When you see another person trudge on despite the pain, tears stinging their eyes, a miracle is unfolding right in front of you, a miracle that only those who are vulnerable enough to explore their darkness will ever know. An infinite power is calling them to push upward past the hard ground and around the boulders on top of them. Love's reach will push you upward so you can find your way to the top.    

When you love someone, your heart is broken open against your will, again and again. It has to-love can't go deeper unless it shoves its tentacled roots even further into the soil of your heart, until you surrender to the softness of the sweet earth all around, into the possibility of sporting a different color and to the allure of becoming a sweeter fragrance. When you really love someone, you give a piece of you that can't be taken back. You hand them the key and whisper: 'Please don't lose this key.' And when they drop it or give it back to us, we shatter, and pieces of us are scattered. The winds sweep in and blow our dreams away in a million wicked directions. The most grown up thing we can do is to hand the key to someone else, again and again, because the rose that blooms in the Spring must grow out of its agonizing seed. The spot that eventually grows the flower is the same spot you thought would open and swallow you. When you have hurt more, and suffered longer than you imagined a person ever could; when you have been stretched until you thought you would surely snap, in those precious and terrible moments you were standing at your holy mountain. There is a sacredness about a completely broken person, because a person who is led through a fire becomes an inestimable treasure.

Vulnerability is the only authentic state and the only appropriate response to pain. Pain isn't asking you to keep a stiff upper lip. It's begging you to draw close; it's wooing you. It was designed to bust the hard outer shell. It must dig you out-either gently, or if it must, with a cruel pick. The soft inner seed was planted to reflect the sky, not the earth. Either way you get there, love's original intent is inescapable: love will always find you. Inside your unwanted and scorned vulnerability, it will find you. It will come to you in the wet gift of your bitter tears and in your surrender to another imperfect soul who might drop you. When you no longer need to be powerful, that is when love can find you.
Love will always make you into what you were meant to be. It is inescapable. And you will be all together lovely, all together worthy of love.     

    
Click here for all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Treating Addiction Using East & West Practices

Abstract   
This article reviews various treatments of Addiction Disorders for co-morbid and multi-morbid clients, found in a combination of Eastern and Western Psychotherapeutic applications, and Psychopharmaceutical interventions. It will show that clients with both Substance Abuse Disorders and Mental Illnesses require a more comprehensive treatment plan than substance abuse clients. Etiology foundational to Substance Abuse and Mental Disorders will be discussed: trauma, stress and neuroadaptations. A synthesis of information presented in this paper concludes that use of Eastern and Western Psychotherapeutic best-practices, along with Psychopharmaceuticals, may be the best hope for treatment of co-and multimorbid clients. This article suggests an agenda for future clinical integrative interventions for such clients. 

This article presents how Psychotherapeutic clients suffering from mental illness and addiction can benefit from a more comprehensive and integrative treatment plan, combining Western and Eastern Psychotherapeutic methods, including the use of Psychopharmacology. The respective branches of Medicine and Psychotherapy have historically approached treating psychopathology differently. The medical model employs an arsenal of neurological agents which work to supplement neurotransmitter imbalances. Psychotherapists use cognitive and behavioral therapies to effect emotional, thought and behavioral regulation. While these two “camps,” the medical psychiatrists, and talk-therapy psychologists and psychotherapists, will often work collaboratively on the client’s behalf, there is a certain type of client which may go underserved, despite therapeutic “best practices” of both these approaches. An analysis of co-and multimorbid Substance Abuse Disordered clients reveals serious challenges facing mental healthcare practitioners: First, clients who are mentally ill are also likely to suffer from a comorbid substance abuse disorder, and while Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has a modest rate of success with treating addiction disorders, most therapists are not prepared by Universities to treat dual-diagnosis cases which include Substance Abuse. Second, chronically mentally-ill clients can present in counseling with multiple mental illness diagnosis, as well as many substance abuse problems. These clients are referred to herein as multimorbid individuals. Thirdly, expecting an alcohol and drug treatment program which has had success among single-diagnosis substance abuse disorder clients to be as effective for co-morbid or multimorbid clients may lead to lapse and relapse. Research shows that the current system of treating co- or multimorbidity with a single clinical approach (either medical, psychotherapeutic or addiction treatment) is shortsighted. Before exploring solutions to these complex cases of addiction, one must first consider the effects of three often-concealed addiction etiologies: trauma, stress, and neuroadaptations.
     Substance Abuse Disorders develop often in patients with mental illness, particularly in those with exposure to trauma in childhood. Therefore, mental illness and trauma are risk factors in development of substance abuse disorders. Co-morbid clients exceed 50% among younger, chronically mentally ill clients (Brown, Ridgely, Peppe, Levine, & Ryglewicz, 1989). This high percentage of younger clients would especially benefit from a multi-therapeutic, integrated-care approach. While clients use drugs to self-medicate, alcohol and drug use has been found to hinder almost every aspect of care for young adults with chronic mental illness (Brown, Ridgely, Peppe, Levine, & Ryglewicz, 1989). If the cycle of drug dependency could be resolved among co- or multimorbid young adults, both their mental and physical health would improve. Unfortunately, these clients may not view their addiction as part of the psychological problem, and may be reluctant to engage in drug treatment. Clients may prefer not to present with a Substance Abuse complaint to a clinician, and why should they? After all, it is their coping mechanism! Instead, they often present to the counselor or medical physician complaining of depression or anxiety, or another mental health condition. This is when the clinician is in a position to effect important intervention in the client’s life. “An educational format and approach is a promising way to engage reticent clients in treatment. With a psychoeducational framework, the client does not feel “singled out” (Brown, Ridgely, Peppe, Levine, & Ryglewicz, 1989). By gently yet honestly informing the client of the duality or multiplicity of his mental illness and addiction, by showing him how mental illness can understandably lead to substance abuse, the client who is building a therapeutic relationship with the counselor or physician can begin the process of accepting the truth about his condition. I believe it is the therapeutic alliance that the client has with the clinician, and the support of his family, which will enable him to accept treatment. Even among those clients with the best clinical psychoeducation and family support, the chronic dual or multimorbid client may fear the two giants looming on the horizon of his recovery: the thought of dealing with memories of trauma, and his mountain of perceived stress. What he may not realize is that in addition, his brain has been changing to accommodate and adapt to his addiction; he has developed neurology which may now support his addiction.
    As mentioned earlier, addictive behaviors are coping mechanisms. Experiments in operant conditioning proved that humans will, to their detriment, continue unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviors if there is a positive enough reinforcer. That reinforcing agent for addicted clients is the alcohol or drugs. “An operant model posits that drug abuse disorders stem from deficiencies in the environmental contingencies of reinforcement rather than from defects within the individual. That is, the individual’s environment does not contain adequate sources of positive reinforcement, and drug use, which results in immediate and powerful rewards, becomes a frequent source of reinforcements” (Bigelow, 2001). When the addict’s environment and support system is not a positive enough reinforcer, he finds his reward via the addictive payout. Further bolstering his addiction are the negative consequences of physical and psychological withdrawal he suffers when he attempts to stop: “Although positive reinforcement may play a particularly important role during initial exposures to drug effects, the role of negative reinforcement assumes increasing importance as the individual learns that the drug alleviates unpleasant affective states, including aversive states associated with drug deprivation (i.e., withdrawal)” (Bradizza & Stasiewicz, 2009). The brain becomes conditioned to expect its pleasant rewards, and to avoid cessation of the drug. Neuroadaptions occur as a result of the drugs themselves, leading to development of habitual use. What should have been self-directed goal attainment becomes habitual, compulsive substance use instead. These neuroadaptations can affect two areas of cognitive functioning: inhibitory control and decision-making (Schwabe, Dickinson, &Wolf, 2011). Common brain circuitry is involved in the development of both mental illness and addiction. As an example, chronic use of illicit drugs results in changes in the amygdala which in turn may cause chronic depression. Substance abuse disorders often occur in patients with other psychiatric illnesses, yet few such individuals receive comprehensive treatment for their dual conditions (Kuehn, 2010).
    An explanation of why substance abuse is frequently paired with mental illness is the strong association between exposure to stress during childhood or adolescence (Kuehn, 2010). Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has been associated with poorer Substance Abuse Disorder (SUD) outcomes. Poorer alcohol and drug outcomes appear specific to PTSD rather than to greater psychopathy in general. “The comorbidity of PTSD and substance abuse disorders has been documented, especially in women” (Marich, 2010). Women with PTSD were found to relapse more quickly than women who did not have PTSD, and patients relapsed faster, drank more, and drank more heavily post-treatment. It has been speculated that PTSD patients fare worse than their non-PTSD counterparts because they do not receive adequate treatment for PTSD: “Only1 in 4 of the PTSD patients had received any type of psychiatric treatment. This study speculates that SUD-PTSD patients were not referred for psychiatric treatment” (Brown, Stout, & Mueller, 1999).
          In addition to trauma being correlated to SUDs, the effects of stress cannot be underestimated in the development of psychopathology and addiction. Among 2,784 clients of an outpatient program at a comprehensive addiction treatment facility, multimorbidity (a combination of multiple mental disorders combined with multiple substance use disorders), was significantly correlated with female gender, unemployment, less social support, cannabis problems, and increased treatment engagement (Costel, Rush, Urbanoski, & Toneatto, 2006). This large study shows that environmental stressors such as unemployment and low social support can contribute to multimorbidity and SUDs. “It is well known that stress is a significant risk factor for the development of drug addiction and relapse” (Schwabe, Dickinson, & Wolf, 2011). Acute stressors trigger habitual coping methods which can, without intervention, lead to relapse. Chronic stress may encourage re-emergence of the addiction, or development of a new addiction. Trauma, stress, and neuroadaptations due to addictive behaviors are at the root of the problem of addictions. How a client manages stress is at the heart of substance abuse recovery therapy. The way in which an individual processes stress can either perpetuate the addiction, or prevent a relapse. How then should a Psychotherapist proceed to effectively treat co- and multimorbid addicted clients?
    Research studies have shown that unmodified Psychoanalysis is not an effective treatment for addictions, because traditional Psychoanalysis ignored the addiction and the client’s dangerous behavior. They proceeded in this way because they were taught to treat the underlying condition first, and in so doing the addictive behavior would be “cured.” Today we know that ignoring dysfunctional behaviors is not in the client’s best interest, nor will the addictive behaviors dissolve once the root psychological problem has been treated (Yalisova, 1989). While traditional Psychoanalysis ignored the substance addiction and treated the client’s underlying cognitive distortions, today’s substance abuse clinicians may be making the reverse error: treating the behavioral symptoms of addiction while not attending to the underlying psychopathology of trauma/PTSD and stress. An eclectic way of psychotherapeutic practice, where both Western and Eastern Psychotherapeutic approaches are utilized may be the best hope for treatment of co-and multimorbid clients.
    The Western medical model utilizes medication in conjunction with counseling, and consistently ranks among the most effective substance abuse treatment interventions. However, pharmacotherapy remains underutilized and presents one of the greatest implementation challenges for community-based treatment programs. Staff attitudes towards addiction medications varied significantly between treatment units (Fitzgerald, & McCarty, 2009). While some recovery programs are equipped to treat dual or multimorbid clients, others are not. A good share of clients being seen on an out-patient basis or in Psychotherapy are co- or multimorbid, and will be looking to the clinician for comprehensive answers. Several Western Psychotherapeutic approaches have shown promise in treating clients suffering from comorbid trauma/PTSD and addictions: Western Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy treating trauma (Marich, 2010).
          Traditional substance abuse programs may not have fully understood the dramatic and leading role that trauma plays in the lives of the addicted. Moreover, because the brain has adapted neurologically to the addiction, stimulation of the brain’s information processing system through Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can access suppressed or repressed memories, allowing the trained EMDR Therapist to navigate the painful, emotional and dreaded trauma memories to a safe and peaceful resolution. “Unfinished traumatic business” as well as symptoms of depression and anxiety can be effectively treated through this psycho-neural process (Marich, 2010). An additional Western Cognitive Behavioral Therapeutic modality that has been proven effective in complex cases of Substance Abuse Disorder is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
               Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was used to study the effect that shame has on substance abuse disorders. The results showed that both Eastern Mindfulness techniques and ACT produced better attendance in treatment, as well as reduced substance use (Louma, Kohlenberg, Hayes, & Fletcher, 2012). Shame is a common experience among substance abusers; one might describe it as feelings of failure and worthlessness. These powerfully painful feelings can trigger substance use and relapse. Shame stigmatizes the individual, making them more prone to: treatment-seeking delays, treatment drop-out, and social withdrawal. Curiously, few substance abuse treatments comprehensively address the problem of shame. When Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was applied to reduce feelings of shame, researchers Louma, Kohlenberg, Hayes, & Fletcher (2012) reported that the ACT group participants evidenced less days of substance use, had higher treatment attendance, and as shame was gradually reduced so were the substance abuse rates. While advances in Western neuropsychology have given clinicians the relatively new therapy of EMDR, and while Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy offers answers to the puzzle of addiction, there is another ancient therapy from the East which is finding renewed popularity and effectiveness for co- and multimorbid clients, and it comes to us from Buddhism.
         Psychotherapeutic clients suffering Addiction Disorders can benefit from Eastern Buddhist Mindfulness training; Dialectical Behavioral Therapy being one such successful therapeutic application of this training in the West. Mindfulness training, a 2,500 year old Buddhist tradition, has been shown to be effective in treating addictions (Brewer, Elwafi, & Davis, 2012).While traditional Western behavioral treatments for smoking have been mildly successful, with abstinence rates between 20% and 30%, mindfulness training has only recently been empirically “put to the test” for treatment of addictions. The results show that gradually, if the student continues to practice, mindfulness training can disrupt the addictive cycle of smoking and drug usage through the use of distraction from the drug stimulus, and concentrated focus on the here and now. By teaching individuals to more objectively observe the craving body and breathe through it, and to recognize triggers and cognitive distortions, habitual reactions to addictions eventually lose their grip and give way to a more self-determined way of life.
          At this time, due to Psychology’s relatively short history as a science, we may understand more of what doesn’t work in treatment of complex Substance Abuse Disorders than what is effective for the comorbid or multimorbid client. Individuals who suffer from trauma, stress, and a shame-based self-concept, and who are substance users or abusers may benefit by a carefully constructed treatment plan which takes into account the history of trauma, PTSD, environmental stress and shame-based beliefs. By applying simplistic methods of substance treatment to complex cases of mental illness and substance abuse, we may be supplying a therapeutic “band-aid,” in which case the client may lapse and relapse due to the underlying psychological trauma, stress, and shame he is carrying. While modern Psychotherapy doesn’t condone ignoring addictive behavior any longer, clinicians may be overlooking the perplexing complexities of co- and multimorbidity. “Clients with multimorbidity have been neglected, and assuming that knowledge about comorbidity can be transferred to the population with multimorbidity is in error” (Costel, Rush, Urbanoski, & Toneatto, 2006).
          This article suggests that a careful and thorough investigation of the clients past and present  be initiated through psychological assessment, and should alert the Psychotherapist to possible underlying deeper issues of dysfunctional thought and self-assessment which the client is evidencing through substance abuse. “It would come as no surprise to mental healthcare professionals that co-morbidity is common. Indeed, co-morbidity is the rule rather than the exception in clinical settings. Yet when formulating a treatment plan for people who present with co-morbid problems, it is difficult for clinicians to know where to start” (Kay-Lambkin, Baker, & Lewin, 2004). In the past, existing treatment strategies have been applied unilaterally, instead of tailoring the treatment plan specifically for co-morbid clients (Kay-Lambkin, Baker, Lewin, & 2004). Co-morbid and multimorbid clients require a more comprehensive treatment plan, and could include psychopharmaceuticals, as well as a blend of Eastern and Western Psychotherapeutic best-practices.
         While Universities are doing their all to equip counselors with evidence-based methods of Psychotherapeutic training for mental illness and substance abuse, there is a work to be done to unite these two schools of training within the University systems. If counselors are to practice treating the psychopathological issues in whole instead of only the presenting issue, an integration of substance abuse and mental illness curriculums should be the future foci of counselor training programs. “Clinicians and clinicians-in-training must not only acquire skills in accurate assessment and diagnosis but also be alert to the patterns of co-morbidity. At this point, clinicians have more information about the existence, patterning, and sequencing of co-morbidity than they do about effective treatment strategies. The next generation of treatment manuals for clinical trials will need to address this issue specifically” (Clarkin, & Kendall, 1992).
          To bridge the gap between research and clinical treatment of co-morbidity, the medical and psychological clinicians who are on the “frontlines” of intervention of complex substance abuse disorders can strive to become more eclectic and integrative in their approaches to what remains a very difficult psychological puzzle. “Clearly,” states Berman, Jobes, & Silverman (2006), “one-size treatment does not fit all, and there is tremendous value in judiciously combining theoretical perspectives, treatments, and interventions from across the spectrum of options.”  Norcross, Karpiate & Lister (2005) studied self-identified eclectic psychologists and found that, “Between one quarter and one-third of contemporary psychologists identify themselves as eclectic or integrative.” One psychologist in their study wrote, “People are different and have different diagnosis and needs as well as viewing therapy differently. Therefore, I suit the therapy to the patient.”
     In conclusion, while research has suggested an integrated treatment approach to co- and multimorbid clients, the clinical reality is structured in such a way that Substance Abuse Counselors and Psychotherapists treat complex cases of substance abuse and mental illness differently. Among Western approaches to psychotherapy, effective neurological and cognitive treatments have been proven effective, and Eastern mindfulness techniques are experiencing a resurgence of popularity in treating substance abuse and mental illness. In the future, both Substance Abuse Counselors and Psychotherapists would benefit by being equipped with a broad range of therapeutic skills, so clients can be treated in a holistic and integrative manner. As co- and multimorbid cases increase, so must our clinical response to them.
     References:
Brewer, J.A. Elwafi, H. M., Davis, J.H. (2012). Craving To Quit: Psychological models and    neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness training as treatment for addictions. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors. Advance online publication. Doi: 10.1037/a0028490.
Marich, J. (2010). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing in addiction continuing care:     A phenomenological study of women in recovery. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, Vol. 24, No. 3, pp. 498-507. American Psychological Association.
Yalisova, D.L. (1989). Psychoanalytic approaches to alcoholism and addiction: Treatment and research. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 0893164X, Vol. 3, Issue 3.
Kuehn, B.M. (2010). Integrated care key for patients with both addiction and mental illness. JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association, Vol. 303 (19), pp. 1905-1907. US: American Medical Association.
Louma, J.B., Kohlenberg, B.S., Hayes, S.C., Fletcher, L. (2012). Slow and steady wins the race: A randomized clinical trial of acceptance and commitment therapy targeting shame in substance use disorders. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 80 (1), pp. 43-53. US: American Psychological Association.
Schwabe, L., Dickinson, A. Wolf, O.T. (2011). Stress, habits, and drug addiction. A psychoneuroendocrinological perspective. Experimental and Clinical Psychopharmacology, Vol. 19 (1), pp. 53-63. US: American Psychological Association.
Fitzgerald, J., McCarty, D. (2009). Understanding attitudes towards use of medication in substance abuse treatment: A multilevel approach. Psychological Services, Vol. 6 (1), pp.74-84. US: Educational Publishing Foundation. Psychological Services, Vol. 6 (1), pp. 74-84. US: Educational Publishing Foundation.
Costel, S., Rush, B., Urbanoski, K., Toneatto, T. (2006). Overlap of clusters of psychiatric symptoms among clients of a comprehensive addiction treatment service. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, Vol. 20 (1), pp. 28-35. US: American Psychological Association.
Brown, P.J., Stout, R.L., Mueller, T. (1999). Substance use disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder comorbidity: Addiction and psychiatric treatment rates. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, Vol. 13 (2). Special Section. Substance Use Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Comorbidity. Pp. 115-122. US: Educational Publishing Foundation. US: American Psychological Association.
Brown, V.B., Ridgely, S.M., Peppe, B., Levine, I.S., Ryglewicz, H. (1989). The dual crisis: mental illness and substance abuse: Present and future directions. American Psychologist, Vol. 44 (3), pp. 565-569.
Bradizza, C.M., Statsiewkz, P.R. (2009). Alcohol and drug use disorders. In: Behavioral mechanisms and psychopathology. Advancing the explanation of its nature, cause and treatment. Salizinger, Super; Washington, D.C., US: American Psychological Association.
Bigelow, G.E. (2001). An operant behavioral perspective on alcohol abuse and dependence. In N. Heather, T.J. Peters, & T. Stockwell, International handbook of Alcohol dependence and problems, pp. 299-315. New York: Wiley.
Clarkin, J.F., Kendall, P.C. (1992). Comorbidity and treatment planning: Summary and future directions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology., 60 (6), pp. 904-908.
Berman, A.L., Jobes, D.A., Silverman, M.M. (2006). An integrative-eclectic approach to treatment. Adolescent suicide: Assessment and intervention (2nd ed), pp. 207-257. Washington D.C., American Psychological Association, pp. 456.
Norcross, J.C., Karpiate, C.P., Lister, K.M. (2005). What’s an integrationist? A study of self-identified integrative and (occasionally) eclectic Psychologists. Journal of Clinical Psychology, Vol. 61 (12), pp. 1578-1594. Wiley Interscience.



           
                                                           





























Monday, August 31, 2015

Mae West and Other Wild Women



Rules have always gotten in my way, and free spirits will understand what I mean. I don't mean it in the law-breaking sense, I mean it in the "not-able-to-relate-to-that-idealism" sense. "Ideal" is something I could never be. I guess I'll always be a traveling sister looking for my rainbow. But despite living in a morass of not-fitting-in, I stumbled into self-love.

What did following the rules ever get anybody? Throughout history, haven't the law-breakers been the discoverers, the innovators, the imaginers, the creators? The most misunderstood artistic souls have been, most frantically and desperately, trying to forge something of aesthetic worth before they exit this boring conundrum called "civilization." Locked in a box with a light that burns them, they shine. They turn it on, hoping for fellow travelers who recognize the light. Until someone does, they quietly labor, their art speaking eloquently for them; their gift and legacy a lonely miracle.

I've seen what living by a strict set of rules can do. The first thing to go is your sense of humor, and a humorless person is a joyless person. Repressed, they tight-fistedly try and squeeze happiness out of a mistaken sense of monetary security. This "sense" which I consider non-sensible and nothing but a frightened response to living, does them little good in the end. If money is your life raft it is a poor substitute for the whitewater thrill of self-discovery that only the rule-benders know. The next thing to be sacrificed is their creativity, their self-expression. Can you name a single artist whose work wasn't (at one time) maligned, criticized, or at the very least, misunderstood? I think of Salvador Dali, the greatest surreal artist of the 20th century who accepted his not-fitting-in-ness so well that he proudly proclaimed about himself: "There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad."

The third thing that is sacrificed is individuality; or maybe it's the first thing that goes, but it may not be apparent they have lost their original spark until much later in life when it's too late to do much about it. This is perhaps the most tragic consequence of conformity: the soul will never know the unique and genuine contribution it could have made. To rob the soul of its right to a voice, even an odd, ill-fitting voice, is to rob the entire world of something rare and extraordinary. It is like clipping the wing of a bird so it cannot fly, something a bird knows instinctively to do.

How do we embrace and celebrate our inner madman, or the wild woman that lurks inside, if we were raised to obey and not to question? For extroverts, it's more of a natural response to object than to obey, and to head in their own obtuse direction. But for well-meaning people caught in the whirlpool of the status-quo, and those caught in ritualized and confining organized religion, to depart from the expected in favor of the road less traveled is more than risky; it is suicide...or so they've heard. Yet history is filled with trail-blazers who traded their halos for more amusing mischief. Some of these mischief makers even made history.

Take my favorite sultry movie maven of the 1940's and 50's, sex siren Mae West. When asked how she clambered her way to the top of Hollywood's female motion picture heap, cinema's cardinal sex symbol quipped in her tangy Midwestern drawl: "I used to be snow white, but I drifted." Being a clandestine garment worker in a sweat shop didn't fit her precocious personality, so at the tender of age of 14 Mae West fearlessly established her professional stage career, and the rest is history. Her temperament was brazenly extroverted so it was Mae alone who set her sails for the waters of stardom at an early age. Along the way there were bitter disappointments for the beautiful and gutsy Mae. Soon after her play entitled, Sex opened, it was raided and West was arrested along with much of the cast for public indecency due to the racy themes of the play. She was prosecuted on morals charges and in 1927 sentenced to 10 days in jail on Welfare Island in New York. The incarceration was cordial; West reportedly dined with the warden and his wife on a few occasions. She served eight days with two off for good behavior. That kind of financial loss and public humiliation would have stopped most playwrights cold, but not Mae who got right back on the horse. Undaunted by accusations of impropriety, Mae wrote and directed her next play, Drag, that dealt with homosexuality. Mae even went out with a bang; at age 83 she was still acting in a major motion picture. To say Ms. West was ahead of her time, undaunted by what others thought of her, would be an understatement. Mae is an example of a wild woman who lived by her own words: "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

Salvador Dali, Mae West, and other wild women (and men) have lived to tell the tale, so odds are good that you will, too. And hey-when you get free, "come up and see me sometime" (Mae West).

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Monday, June 1, 2015

Brave Enough To Be A Woman


We all start out with a dream. When I was a kid if you asked little girls what they wanted to be when they grew up, they would quip that they longed to be a ballerina or a pretty actress, and little boys would lower their voices and reply that they wanted to grow up to be football players and astronauts. But today's kids are a new breed. More tuned-in to the everyday harsh realities of life, they are uninterested in worn out answers requiring them to bow to the gender Gods. "Surprisingly, more boys than girls dream of becoming dancers - while girls put footballer ahead of dancer in their list of favorites" (DailyMail.com). Kids have become less gender-restricted and these modern, hard-nosed elementary-school students are already going for the brass ring. The number one career choice for the leaders of tomorrow? To become a doctor. It's evident that these kids are dreaming big. But what is motivating them? Is it money and prestige that goes with becoming a doctor, or do they genuinely care about becoming a healer?

When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd get an egghead look on my face and reply with a straight face: "I want to be a psychologist." I remember adults chuckling at that. A puny fourth grader, a girl no less, whose ambition in life was to become a shrink? More than one adult walked away shaking their heads. In those days, everybody knew that although girls were admitted to medical schools (1970's) it wasn't going to be an easy road. Those brave women would have to compete with chauvinistic men for the class seats while male professors looked upon women in medical school as trouble-making bra-burners who were just out to prove something and take a seat a man could have had. Although I didn't know exactly what a psychologist did, I understood that they helped people who had problems, and that's what I wanted to do. I subsequently wandered away from the ballerina pack. But as a magnet on my refrigerator asks: "I chose the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?"

I never made it to the PhD level, although I did climb the academic ladder  enough to glimpse it from where I was standing in my master's counseling program. And while it is said that everyone will have 15 minutes of fame, I've had much more than my share: I became a writer (which happened completely by accident), and that path has lavished me with many unexpected and delightful moments of glory. However, I never attained my dream of becoming a full-fledged doctor because in the process I discovered that intellectual prowess and money couldn't buy me happiness. In fact, I watched each subsequent academic degree make me into a person I didn't even want to be around anymore. I became competitive and envious of others and I unwittingly evolved into a narcissistic know-it-all whose lofty ambition in life was to out-smart and impress others with my academic acumen, a far cry from my innocent childhood motivation of simply wanting to help troubled people. Maybe it's a good thing I never became a doctor-we already have enough of those kinds of doctors in the world.

What I did wind up becoming is a suicide survivor, a writer, a counselor, and most importantly, a decent person. I've to the conclusion that you cannot be money-hungry and be truly compassionate at the same time. When my teen daughter committed suicide and my career as a counselor was consequently flushed down the grief toilet, I had a decision to make (or was it made for me?). I had to either choose to forgive myself or I could go on with the stuff-shirt charade, wearing a mask of feigned strength and superiority while covering up my feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing that her suicide had brought on. It took me over a year to forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a parent and to choose to love myself again. 

During that time of mourning a strange and wonderful thing occurred. Without manipulation, without any contrived effort on my part, I began, for the first time in my life, to truly and genuinely care about other people as much as I cared about myself. I began to really hear others for the first time. Not just because they were my clients paying me to hear them; I was relating to them. I was feeling with them, not just feeling bad for them. I realized with astonished amazement that I was...one of them. My daughter's death forced me to see what I had tried so hard to avoid seeing: that I was a fallible human being. I was no better and no worse than anyone else. I was quite simply a flawed and fumbling biped who could get as lost as anyone. In the end, I decided to go back to what the little girl in me knew was right and good: to simply help people who were hurting like I was, minus the bravado. Funny how lost we can get when we're all grown up.

While I didn't become a doctor, I think my daughter would be relieved to know that I finally found my way back to compassion. I sure am rooting for the kids of tomorrow, because like me, some of them will get lost before they find their way back to their original selves again. Here's to more boy ballerinas and girl footballers who are brave enough to be true to their dreams.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2392971/Girl-footballers-boy-dancers-What-todays-children-REALLY-want-grow-up.html#ixzz3brA7D9CE

 Click here for all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Gratitude Gives



I was the mentor and advocate for a young woman who was homeless, pregnant, jobless, and only 30-days sober. But I'm wondering who was helping who? She was faced with monumental challenges in every area of her life. And even though I've been academically trained to help her as a mental health counselor, honestly, even I don't know where to begin. Yet looking into her eyes, I saw myself. This is the heart of compassion-seeing your own humanity reflected in another's pain. I knew I couldn't solve all her problems but I determined to do my best to work a few miracles for her because someone had to love her with more than words. Words are cheap; words don't feed you, house you, or get you to your appointments on time. They are well-intended but useless. I didn't need to feel like a hero because friends, family and even strangers have selflessly given to me over the span of my lifetime-so many times in so many ways that I've lost count. I figured it was my time to give a little. When I looked into her empty eyes I saw all the times I came to dead-ends. I saw all the times I wished I'd had a big road sign to say: wrong turn,  time to turn around. I saw all the times I was disgusted with myself for letting myself and others down. When I was with her, I was seeing a younger, struggling version of me.

Gratitude happens in moments when we realize how much we've been given, and how many people have contributed to our success. Nobody's an island, which is why arrogance is such a disdainful quality. The CEO taking millions of dollars in salary is standing on the backs of workers making minimum wage. He may have gotten his position because of an education and good breeding, but he surely didn't arrive there alone. All of us, regardless of our fine qualities, had help along the way. If you can't recall the people who were there in key moments then you're not thinking hard enough. I think back to the time I lost my teen daughter to suicide and how many complete strangers reached out to me; how many poured out their sympathies and prayers. Knowing that others, even complete strangers, deeply cared is what kept me afloat. I survived on their borrowed faith when I wanted so badly to silently slip beneath the waves of grief. Their tender words and wisdom became my flotation device and their practical assistance became my life preserver. I stayed alive because of their belief in me. I can never repay all the compassionate people who have accepted me unconditionally, despite my jumbled and chaotic existence. What I can do is to reach my hand out when someone else is about to go under; it's the least I can do.

There's nothing uglier than a person without compassion, and there's no more breathtaking sight than a person who quietly practices it. The word mercy is synonymous with forgiveness; wiping the slate clean. Mercy means leniency; not being overly heavy-handed if you can help it. Mercy is gentle and shows tolerance and forbearance of others' failures. When we're laser-beam focused on our own worries, people around us don't even register on our radar. Key to tapping our innate tenderness is being aware of other's pain. If we are always concentrating on our own worries and gripes, there's no room for mercy in our hearts. The Christian tradition tells the story of Christ's birth, that there was no room in the Inn, no place for Christ to be born...nobody was willing to make room for him. Christ's birth showed us that mercy is only born in hearts that make room for tenderness, hearts that have been swept clean by the bristles and pain and a humbled existence. Your ability to shine with a quiet glow is dependent on how much compassion resides in your heart. Spiritual teachers of all traditions have advocated self-denial for a reason. Forgetting yourself is key to finding compassion and seeing other people.

I learned this lesson too late. My teen daughter's death was a poignant reminder of my relentlessly self-focused, "single-parent" mentality. I won the battle of being a bread-winner while I lost the war of being a tuned-in parent. I was so focused on my "duties" as a single mother, so consumed with making sure my teen was getting good grades, steering clear of drugs and unwanted pregnancy that I failed to consider what she was seeing. Did I bother to look through her eyes, or was I only seeing the world through the narrow lens of a stressed-out working mother, worn thin by her daughter's four year struggle with severe depression, a mother exhausted by never-ending power struggles? I was in survival mode, and so was she...until she couldn't see through my eyes anymore. That's the moment her flame went out, the moment she made the decision to say goodbye. It's imperative we all try hard to see though one another's eyes. I regret that I trusted my tired eyes. I should have realized I needed a different pair of glasses; I wasn't seeing her clearly anymore. The biggest lesson learned on the road to tenderness was how it only takes a second to watch everything turn to ashes. Sometimes we can't go back, we can't mend what's been broken; sometimes we don't get a second chance. It only takes a second to pull the pin out of a grenade, yet the mess and tears can echo for a lifetime. When we are consumed with our own wants and worries we lose sight of others. When the lonely heart breaks and no one sees, the next word may be goodbye.

If there's someone in your life that's asking more from you than you think you can give, remember: it only takes a minute to ask how they're feeling, what they're dealing with. Tenderness may require you to lay aside your own agenda for awhile; to extend a helping hand and to show some grace. Don't forget where you started, because the minute you do, you've lost the only perspective that means anything: how to be a human with a heart that beats and breaks for another. Just another lesson learned on the road to tenderness. 
  
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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Turning Your Demons Into Art

In 2013, I would have assured you that my life was over. My beloved teen daughter had just committed suicide in the next room as I slept, and I awoke to a horrible nightmare that became my constant tortured reality. In my journal I wrote: "An atom bomb has been dropped, and I am melting in the blast." I had already been through enough in life; I was no stranger to suffering. My childhood was abusive and traumatizing as the result of an alcoholic and Bipolar father, and a single mother who insulated herself behind the veil of religion. I endured disabling clinical depression until I was in my 40s, had weathered a divorce, and thereafter had a string of unsuccessful relationships. The only thing that kept me going was my teen daughter, until without any notice, she walked out of my life forever. 

After her suicide, I was reduced to a heartsick, empty-handed, open wound, a shell-shocked mess. I became 80 pounds overweight; I started binge-eating to cope. Because I'd been trained as a mental health counselor, I was suffering from a double-dose of survivor's guilt and shame; this wasn't supposed to happen to educated people like me. When I tried returning to my counseling office, I was daily triggered by my client's problems. When they talked to me about depression, grief, and eating disorders, common topics in a counseling room, I'd wither inside; an eating disorder had triggered my daughter's depression, and the depression had caused her suicide. Professionally, I knew I was dead in the water, because my wounds were immense and were interfering with my client's treatment. After 10 years as a mental health professional, I closed my practice because it was the only ethical and sane choice to make. After that, I was adrift at sea. 

My grief was the immense, dark and endless as the sea I was lost in. For over a year I was engulfed in a private "dark night of the soul." I wandered the endless halls of my unraveling mind trying to make sense out of chaos, trying to find purpose in the pain. That first year I decided to write a book about my journey through grief; I thought maybe it would help somebody. Besides, I had to write to save myself from drowning. I'd been raised in the Christian faith and taught that every problem was a trial and test designed by God to perfect our characters; ultimately, the tests would forge us into better people. But this trauma wasn't making me into a better person. Instead, it had made me into a shame-riddled, insecure, phobic, unemployed person whose hair had turned grey overnight. It made me into an angry and demanding partner, and had unhinged my spirituality, leaching out every last bit of hope in a Higher Power. I reasoned that perhaps scientist-like aliens who were cruel, cold and calculating were controlling us all in a demonic experiment and we were just unfortunate and unwitting amoebas in their cosmic petri dish. In truth, the only demons were my own dark thoughts, and they stood taunting me, dutifully reminding me at every turn of what a big fat phony, failure I was. The confidence I'd always had was stripped away. The protective outer-skin of self-respect that every person needs and deserves, what keeps our self-esteem intact, was peeled away revealing a hyper-sensitive open wound that couldn't withstand reality.

I'd completely given up on the idea of a benevolent God and all this nonsense talk of God's love and mercy (where was the mercy in my life?). Not long after her suicide, I went for a "grief walk," and found myself chucking rocks at the sky in an open field. Cars whizzed by with incredulous looks at the dippy woman screaming obscenities and throwing rocks at...nothing. Yes, I was having a breakdown. Long overdue and it felt...wonderful. For the first time I was really telling the truth about how angry I was at God (or the aliens) or whoever was up there engineering this whole mess. I broke down in a heap and sat in the middle of the dusty field sobbing, my voice hoarse, my arms wobbly. I half expected a lightning bolt to strike me for the names I'd called God; in truth, I would have welcomed it, it would have put me out of my misery. But no lightning bolt was sent, and in the stillness of that moment which I now understand as sacred, I saw that I was going to go on living. For some unfathomable reason, I was meant to go on living, even though my reason for living had vanished. 

I stood, brushed the dust from my jeans, and started chuckling through the blur of tears. What a sight I was! And while on the outside I had gotten my jeans dirty, on the inside I felt squeaky clean, roomy, and new. The words of an old hymnal flooded me then. Perhaps some empathetic angels were singing the words: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound..." and although I'd heard that song in church many times, the words sounded new; they made sense to me like they never had before. They meant that somehow, there was grace for me. Whatever I blamed myself for had all been erased. My daughter was free now, and she had wanted me to be free. I hummed the hymn as I wrapped my arms tightly around my shaky body, hugging myself as I stumbled home. It was a pivotal moment, because I gave myself permission to love myself again. 

I tell you this story of my undoing, and the beginning of my rebuilding, because we all have the ability to turn our demons into art. We can transform our pain into something useful, something meaningful, something helpful, something brave, and something beautiful. It will require one necessary ingredient: forgiveness. We must find a way to forgive ourselves and forgive each other for the ways we have all let each other down. The power to forgive only comes once we have stopped demanding that life be a certain way. Joy fires up the moment we abandon our unrealistically high expectations and fully accept the reality of our humanity. Embracing my humanity means that it's okay to admit when I'm human: I make mistakes, sometimes big, irrevocable mistakes. You are human, too-which means you will make mistakes, sometimes big, and irrevocable. And I'd venture to say that even the Universe has and will continue to make errors on occasion (hey, nobody's perfect). We will have to forgive the Universe, too. 

Turning your demons into art is the definition of bravery. Bravery doesn't mean being perfect. It means dusting yourself off after the storm is over, and rebuilding; that's the definition of bravery. Turning demons into art means forgiving yourself for mistakes of the past and believing in your potential-because that's all and everything you are: pure potential. Life is a do-over; a blackboard with a giant eraser with your name written on it, an empty slate eagerly awaiting your unique signature. The thing about demons is that they are more frightened of you than you are of them, because they know who you really are, you demon slayer, you. 


Click here for all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0