Let us say someone has been unkind to you. You do not know this person well; they are an acquaintance only. Your first impression of them has not been a good one. Over time you get to know them because they are a neighbor or coworker, and while they are not overly friendly, they are tollerable. But because of the first impression you will always think of them as an unkind person. This is the power of a first impression. Also, let us say the first time you meet a criminal, they are as sweet as a peach. They speak warmly as if you were a close personal friend. Later, someone tells you, "Didn't you know that person is a bank robber?" But because he was so kind and greeted you warmly, your response is, "I would have never thought that; he is such a nice fellow. " You are shocked that the same person could have such a different side to him. And this is an illustration of the power of kindness. There is a saying: "Love covers a multitude of sins." When someone has been loving towards you, that person can be accused of a wrongdoing, but because their attitude has been sweet and loving, you will defend their character based upon the way they have treated you. By living in this world you have experienced that people can be two-faced. They will say one thing while doing another. Or they can be like a coin with two different sides. Yet, while you know this about people, you will believe the best about someone as long as they have been a good person to you. This also is human nature. You are starting to see how influential kindness is and also first impressions.
Being kind is easy as long as others are kind to you. But a bigger person is impartial and fair with those who have been unkind toward them. This is what Christ meant when he instructed, "If your enemy strikes you on the cheek, turn the other cheek" (Matt. 5:39). He was not suggesting that you be a doormat for someone's abuse. He was saying, "When someone does you wrong, rather than respond in kind, show kindness." Kindness is more an attitude of acceptance and cheerfulness, and in some situations you will not be able to muster a genuine feeling of kindness for somebody. In that case, be as honest and fair in your dealings as you can with them. This temperance is also a show of kindness. You do not have to feel kind to be kind. Kindness can be pleasant words, or it can be treating someone in a positive way. However, most people are disinclined to respond to unkindness with anything other than how they were treated. When someone is rude to you, your first instinct is to dish it right back. But Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" (1982, Gandhi). It does not improve the situation to return poor treatment. It only exacerbates an argument. Proverbs 15:1 says that "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Bible). You know this to be true, because in many instances you could have been unkind in your reply but decided you would be the bigger person. And your soft reply calmed the storm. So why forgive one person's retort but not another's?
You may know that person well enough to know when they are having a bad day and they have talked out of turn. You forgive in those situations. And, if you love them, you extend grace because you care about them. Or if the person has a history of speaking roughly, you may say to yourself, "They speak like that to everybody," and you will not take it personally. However, in other situations you will be offended at the slightest thing because that person has not been nice to you, and you have had enough! I did not allow anyone to speak to me unkindly. If they did, I would bring it to their attention: "Why are you speaking to me this way?" If you ask them to explain themselves in a voice that is firm but mild, they may change their tone. Diplomacy is the ability to turn a difficult situation into a functional, or winning, one. With unkind retorts, the most effective strategy is a diplomatic approach. When someone responds unfavorably, they may dislike what is happening, but you won't know unless you ask. You could say, "It sounds like you may not agree. What do you want?" If you stop the unkind momentum from rolling away, you are using diplomacy, which can work wonders. The unhappy person is usually grateful to get off their chest what has been bothering them. Asking questions rather than making statements is the best way to manage a disgruntled person.
All of what I have explained are basic principles of good management and communication, though they are easily forgotten in the heat of the moment. These tips about kindness and politeness are especially useful between couples and family members, as "familiarity breeds contempt." In other words, the closer you are to someone, the less formal you will be. The less formal you are, the more likely that you will offend. You act in this manner because you trust that they love you and will forgive your foolishness. However, saying things better left unsaid is a recipe for hurt feelings, which can lead to arguments and separation. This is one area that I needed to change. I would store up many grievances until I exploded. Rather than calmly talk them over, I ignored the things that hurt me and became a ticking time bomb. When I went off everyone would exchange worried glances as if to say, "Why is she so upset at such a little thing?" But they did not know that there was a list of hurts that I smiled benignly through, and this one happened to be the wick. When a person blows up, it is usually not the one thing alone that they are reacting to but many things that have piled up. I should have learned to value my feelings, but I was afraid of scaring people away, so I swallowed my pain—literally. I drank to numb the pain. Remember, won't you, that people's anger is a cry for help? Anger is a response to hurt. And what is beneath the hurt is usually fear. I was afraid to give voice to my true feelings until the hurt turned into anger. Then they came bursting out. Once it turns to anger, a depressant like alcohol will submerge the feelings, but only for so long. When I painted, it helped sublimate these deep, dark feelings. Artists have the ability to channel their existential angst into their work, which is why my paintings were not lighthearted. Mine depicted the horrors I had been through.
And while artists will paint placid scenes, for many it is a way of creating beauty and peace, things they lacked in life. Think of Vincent Van Gogh, who painted water scenes and fields of flowers from an insane asylum. My existence was a struggle from the age of 6 when I contacted polio until my death at age 47. Some have to fight just to live. So, the next time someone is unkind to you, remember what I said. They might be struggling to survive. They may be hurting; they may be ready to explode. You cannot know what another person is going through because some of us will not tell you. Be a diplomat and ask them, "Is everything ok? What's going on?" and they may open up to you. Keep in mind that the first impression you make is what people remember long after. And remember that kindness is a powerful potion that will never be forgotten.
With Love,
Frida
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