Finding Work-Life Balance Through Playfulness (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

When you find yourself thinking negatively, when anger is kindled too quickly, when everything and everybody seems chaotic, and when you have not had time to do your favorite thing, there is a secret to unlocking a work-life balance. Most important is, you must give yourself permission to relax. Play is every bit as important as work. If you have been depriving yourself from doing what you love, you are being a grinch and a scrooge to yourself. It is justified to be a hard taskmaster when you have taken too much time off so that the work you committed to is not getting done. Then, being a harsh parent to yourself is justified. But if it happens that you have developed the unconscious belief that doing what you love is frivolous because it is not getting you closer to your financial goals, well then, you are frustrating your inner child, and this restriction-driven attitude will cause you to become sour and difficult with others. Have you noticed how happy you are on a long-awaited vacation? You are even happy to return to work when it is over because it feels as if joy is spilling out everywhere. Your face is open and smiling, and you have gratitude in your heart. You feel like a king or queen, don't you? Why is it that you do not feel like this every day? Because you have nothing to look forward to, only miles of work stretching endlessly ahead. The kid in you loses hope that you will take them out to play, and your brow is knitted. No smiles cross your face because there really is an inner child inside. You may not pay attention to them, but they pay attention to you. When you are being overly restrictive, they crawl into a corner of your heart and sit balled up and silent. Why do you treat your child this way? Don't they deserve to go out and play like the rest of the kids?

You may object to this idea because you see yourself as a mature and hardened professional who does not want or need to play anymore. All you need to do is to earn money to be happy. All you want is financial stability and a little bit of security for yourself and your family. It would be irresponsible of you to use your time, even your days off, doing what you enjoy. Then ask yourself: why is it irresponsible to relax as an adult? Because you are not being productive in the traditional sense. Because you may spend money rather than earn it, although money is made to be spent. Because others may criticize your need for relaxation and think you lazy when you have a list of tasks at home that never seem to get done.

Let us discuss this grown-up idea of responsibility. What is it that you are responsible for? You may have a family to provide for, a pet to take care of, and children who need your time and attention. You may have a partner who has been shoved to the side so you can get your work completed (although it is never completed). You are responsible for all these important things—it is true. But let me ask, if you are burned out and imbalanced, aren't you less of a productive employee, partner, and parent? You are the friend who disappeared and is now "too busy" to participate in the fun activities you used to. You have become a "stick in the mud"—stuck in one place, mired in responsibilities that have weighed you down. You are discouraged, not playful. You are unimaginative and overly critical. Is this the person you want to be?

Your inner child only wants one thing for you: a proper work-life balance. It is difficult for adults to remember the joy of being a child. Gone are the days when you jumped out of bed and greeted the morning sunshine with a smile. Now you rush. You gulp down your coffee (or breakfast if you are lucky), stuff yourself in your car, and race to work. At work you face a list of to-dos that you know you can never accomplish in a day and probably not in a week, but you push yourself from one task to the next because you are eternally behind. Because you are in a hurry to finish, you make errors, which takes more time. And all along stress is piling up until your shoulders are bunched in a knot and you've given yourself a headache or stomach ache. You daydream a lot because you are bored with much of the project, and what are you fantasizing about? You are escaping to do what you love, to relax. 

Your inner child is nothing more than your subconscious mind. It is your psychological operating system. It is the iceberg below the surface of your conscious mind that you cannot see. It understands you much better than you do. It is also your warning system. It will send you signals when you have gotten out of balance. The signals look like negativity, boredom, frustration, and anger. When you see these surfacing, it is the unconscious mind warning, "Danger—iceberg ahead!" Time to relieve stress. Sex is a wonderful stress reliever, and you should never feel guilty about it. God would not have given you the equipment if He did not want you to use it! Beyond that, doing what you love can reset your frame of mind and refresh you. I hope you will get into the habit of planning a play date when stress has piled up. Nobody will come along and say, "Why aren't you out having fun?" because the other adults are fighting their own battles with finding a balanced life. You must look out for your own well-being.

You must retrain your mind with the thought that there is nothing to feel guilty for when you are having fun. You are burning off stress, which is absolutely essential for remaining mentally and physically healthy. Your well-being depends upon your willingness to play more. When your mind is free and clear, you will be twice as productive at work and focused at home. When you are out of balance, those around you know it. They may not say it, but they can see it in your dark and worried face. If they resent your play days, remind them that you want to be happier when you are with them, and for you to achieve that, you must do what you love. First and foremost, you are responsible to yourself. Never forget that. Take better care of yourself, and you will surely take better care of others. I relieved stress by smoking and drinking since I had a body that I could not exercise. Being confined to a wheelchair or a bed really limits how free one is. However, I could have found healthier outlets. I ruined my health and passed before my time. I regret treating my beautiful machine that way. However, I did let my inner child out to play. She liked to draw and paint, and I encouraged her to be a great artist, to paint daily. Though I did not listen to my body and its warning signs, I listened to her as she said to me, "Thank you for letting me paint." Inner children are so very appreciative, even for the smallest of kindnesses. And I came to understand that she was my best friend because she kept me alive. In her sweet, persistant voice she'd say, "Cmon, Frida," as if she were pulling my arm. I couldn't say no to her. She would tell me I smoked too much and I shouldn't drink anymore, but I didn't listen. I was too busy punishing myself for my perceived failures. Does this sound like someone you know?

Promise me that you will take your inner child out to play soon. They deserve it, and so do you.

With Love,

Frida

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Anger and the Modern-Day Martyr (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

Anger is an important emotion. It is critical for your health and peace of mind that you learn what to do with it. And it is no use pretending that you are not an angry person. Of course you are, and so was I. This is because there is so much to be angry about. The world is set up so that you are pushed to the brink and about to lose control when here comes a program or a product telling you that unless you have it, there is no hope for your sanity. Unless you buy what the con artists are selling, you are not in the know, not outperforming other people, and are going to be beaten out by more savvy minds than your own. In addition to making you feel less-than and inadequate by comparison, corporations are setting the standards. So while you are not measuring up, it is their measuring stick! It is a no-win situation. And why are advertisements engineered to make you feel second-class? It is to create a perceived need in you for their product. Their marketing is contrived so that you feel hopelessly inept and desperate to buy what they are selling. Do these corporations have a conscience? Do they stop to consider the poor, vulnerable consumer who is the unwitting victim in their corporate web of lies? They do not think of you as a person. They only see your fragility and gullibility and aim to exploit it. Every social system, including educational, financial/banking, and many more, is founded upon consumerism, which has set up society so that it benefits the rich stockholders alone. Why then shouldn't you be angry? You are being manipulated! You are being played like a puppet on a string, told when to dance and how to dance. Why shouldn't you be indignant about being taken advantage of, for you are being gouged at every turn? They have inflated prices, and each year it gets more expensive to afford the bare necessities. Corporations are putting the squeeze on you like a python wraps and smothers its prey. You, my friend, are being smothered while being told that you should remain calm and pleasant in the face of injustice.

They do not want an angry mob—they want clueless consumers who are so under their spell that they will trample their neighbor for the next new product. Forget that they are asking many times what it costs to produce it—they have shareholders to please. All you are to them is a meal ticket. You are their prey, and if you object, they will squeeze tighter because they are the puppetmasters. And you will back down and be quiet because, after all, you have to get to work and gasoline is the only way to get there. So you dummy up and stuff the feeling of powerlessness and smile benignly. You are just one in a sea of helpless consumers who are feeling the squeeze, so you do not feel right about complaining. You do not want to be seen as a trouble-maker; you might lose your job or a boss might label you as difficult. You grin and bear it, and every year the squeeze gets tighter and more constricting. But you will not let yourself feel the rage because it has been pushed deep inside, hidden from polite society, hidden from coworkers, and hidden from your family. Because you are a modern-day martyr, you grit your teeth and keep your head down. You don't question; you obey. You don't object; you agree with your oppressors. And the most distasteful part of this dysfunctional and morally corrupt system is that you, on behalf of your company, victimize the poor stiffs who buy your product. You must, or someone will replace you. Then how will you pay the exorbitant bills coming due? It's the way of the world, you tell yourself. If I didn't do my job, someone else would. I'm just a small cog in a big wheel. I am powerless to change such a giant system. If I squeak, they'll only crush me flatter.

But now I want you to tell the truth to yourself. Nobody has to know except you and I have the answer to this. Is it better to be the python or the mouse? If you had to choose one, my guess is you would rather be the python, for at least he wouldn't be dinner. But how do you live with yourself knowing you are the python? You do not stop long enough to think of what you are doing to that consumer as long as you have your dinner. And this is how evil triumphs. The good people look away as the python does its dastardly deeds. You have looked away for a long time. You may even be like that python, squeezing innocent people for a profit. What to do about this never-ending injustice? 

Anger is the answer. You may not have expected that, but anger is not always a negative. Sometimes, anger, turned against wrongdoing, motivates change. It is not wrong to feel angry. It is not wrong to show that you feel angry. It is not a sin; it is nothing to be hidden or ashamed of. Anger under control is authority. When you are deeply moved by anger at injustice, you have taken back your power. You have refused to play their game and broken free of the chokehold. Only then will the rule-makers step back and regroup. If you gather a group of angry people-consumers who have had enough, if you will band together, your collective voice becomes much louder. If you stand quietly by and wait for someone else to lead you, you may be waiting forever. I am saying to use your anger! Do not misdirect it at loved ones—they are not the ones to blame. If you are feeling anger, look closely at what the cause is. If it is your relationship causing it, present your case in such a way that you yourself would stop and listen. If you are feeling anger because of work, what exactly is bothering you? Come up with a way to solve the problem. Every time anger stops you, it is trying to give you a message. Don't pretend that you are too good to feel angry because everyone feels it. And if you can't feel it, you are denying it is there. It lies beneath the calm exterior and logical responses. It may be deeply buried many layers out of your conscious awareness, but it is there in a cellar that your conscious mind has padlocked. Find the key, my friend. Without freeing the raw anger bubbling beneath the surface, how can you heal? How can you grow and progress emotionally? Psychologically you need anger as much as you need happiness. You cannot be genuinely free unless you process the anger that you say you do not have.

Modern-day martyrs may be a favorite of their bosses and families because on the surface they do not cause issues. They are the nicest people! Always smiling, always sunny, never a cross word to be had. Be like me in this regard—I had a perma-unibrow that shouted from a mile away: "Take advantage of me and you will regret it." I was a serious character, and because I did not suffer fools, I was treated with respect. If you let others walk on you, they will. It is your job to teach others how you expect to be treated. Take yourself seriously. If you have talent, carry yourself as if you do. Respect yourself and others will follow. I was not concerned with whether people liked me personally or not. I was not born to be liked or disliked. I wanted the public to appreciate my talent, but if they did not like me personally, I did not care because maybe I did not like them. Stop expecting people to like you. That is a trap. If someone does not like you, they are missing out, but do not give it a second thought. You must like you. If you like and genuinely respect yourself, then others' opinions of your life should not matter.

Anger has been misrepresented as a destructive force. It can be, just as a knife can be used for good or for ill. It depends upon how you use the anger you are feeling. Put it to work for you. Let it teach you what you want and do not want. You don't have to walk around being a mean and angry person; I was not. But I was in touch with anger as much as other more "positive" emotions because it can be a teacher. It is not comfortable or easy to feel anger, which is why most people won't let themselves feel it. But if you live in denial of it by trying to make everyone love and accept you, nobody knows the real you. Let all of you be seen—the good and the angry. My one caution is this: deal with your anger in private. Talk to God about it and let the tears come. Get in touch with what's been bothering you. Then, after you have processed it privately, you are ready to share it. Share it calmly, but honestly. Don't sugarcoat it. It is fine if your face looks serious—they will take you seriously, because being a modern-day martyr is getting you nowhere. 

I want for you to get to know your anger very well. Do not be scared by your anger. Understand where it is coming from and what is causing it. Then you can heal it. If you avoid it, if you say you do not have it, you cannot know it. There is much shame when you admit your anger; shame is placed on the person who admits it is real. But when pushed down, buried, and unseen, it has the power to harm you and others. To get rid of anger, you mustn't ignore it. The longer you ignore and deny it, the greater power it will have over you. Conversely, if you face it squarely, you can reduce and control it. To hide anything is to be functioning out of shame. Admit that you are human and therefore feel anger as well as many other emotions. This openness will empower you to bring the dark into the light. Feel it to heal it.

With Love,

Frida

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Doing Things in a Big Way (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

All it takes is confidence to do things in a big way. If you want to be a leader, if you want fame and fortune, you'd better learn what steps to take to get to the top of the mountain, for leadership is not for everybody. You can be successful at whatever you do and still not be an industry leader or a top performer. Achieving notoriety requires something extra. The leader so thoroughly believes in themselves that followers do not question their veracity. Followers only have the space to agree or they will need to move out of a leader's way. There is a bit of the steamroller in every leader because the moment they entertain doubt, it is like leaving the front door open. When they are not looking an unknown doubt can slip through unnoticed. It is dangerous to doubt oneself. That first bit of doubt is the open door for all manner of negativity to step in. Once inside, doubt eats away at your confidence and resolve. When others say discouraging things, do not be dismayed by their lack of vision. It is your vision that matters, so ignore them. When you encounter pessimism, counter it with the reply: "That may be your opinion, but it is not mine." Someone else's pessimism is not your problem, so do not allow it to influence you.

But how, if you are not a naturally outgoing, enthusiastic, and confident character, do you get the public to see things your way? Not all salespersons are extroverts, but all successful people are salespersons. You see, "image management" is a term I favor because if you wish to develop a public persona or a brand that consumers are familiar with you must be the manager of your own image. Keep a finger on the pulse of your popularity. Pay attention and notice when awareness of your name and brand has risen, and when it declines. Not all venues will be the right showcase for your talents. Figure out which boosts your popularity, and what detracts from it. Pay attention to what your business competitors are doing to sell their brand, and do likewise. If it worked for them, it may work for you. Otherwise, you will waste time and resources on events that may be entertaining but are not advancing your agenda. Manage your image by tracking your sales. 

As far as your personality is concerned, there is a sure way to succeed in business with any personality; yes, any. You can be the most introverted person and still become popular if you have certain qualities, the most important of which are tenacity, and politeness. These can go a long way towards getting your foot in the door. You can either bowl them over with a big personality, or if you are quiet or a private person, rugged persistence and a dash of charm will get you where you need to go. I was not a salesperson by nature. When in a group I would sit and observe the characters all taking up space with their egos, each trying to outdo the next. I did not play that game. Not because I was not savvy and could not keep up, but because that was not my style. Instead, my facial expressions spoke for me. And what they said was a mouthful. My traditionally Mexican outfits and braided hair, my simple makeup, and the flowers that adorned me said, "I am proud of being who I am." Nobody disparaged Mexicans in my presence because they knew I would not stand for it. My unibrow, which was masculine, and my serious demeanor communicated that like a man, I was not anyone to fool with. How you present yourself to the public must be considered carefully as you will be judged in part by first impressions. Though I was not pushy, I was determined. If asking did not open the door, I would find the back door. I encountered many doors slammed in my face because I was a female artist. Women were wives, mothers, socialites, lovers, and, in the professional world, secretaries. But a woman who spent her time painting and traveling to art shows? Men considered us a waste of a good canvas. Like all things in the traditionally male art industry, women were art connoisseurs, but they left the stage to the men. Single women were busy finding a husband and settling down to domestic life and cocktail parties. I never fit into that mold. Being a wife suited me, but I was not content to stand in my husband's shadow (and he cast a big shadow because he had become famous). I wanted my own time in the sun. I wanted to be a household name apart from his. I did not want to be a tag-along. I was a proud Mexican who had been raised to fight for what I wanted. Therefore, when a door was not open to me, I did not take no. I would approach it from a different angle. Who did I know that could talk to the owner for me? How could I position my art so it would be more attractive? So, look at problems from many different angles but do not give up because you were rejected the first time, or even the second time. Keep knocking on different doors and the right one will open. And here is a secret about politeness that I learned: speak to the decision-makers as if they were your friends. Do not be overly professional, because then it is easier for them to turn you down. If you can find anything in common with them, bring it up. Make small talk to establish a personal connection. Have they traveled to where you want to go? Then ask their opinion about it. Discuss a trade subject they know about and can advise you on. Everyone loves to be asked to give their opinion, so let them educate you. In these small ways you are establishing a deeper connection than the others who are all business, and they will remember you as friendly. Be appreciative of thier time and always respectful. 

You do not have to be a dynamo personality to become a household name; you have to be talented and genuine. What can be said of me is that I was always my truest self. I did not strive to fit in. I knew I stood out, and I preferred that because it meant I would be memorable. Being like everyone else is not going to distinguish you. Whatever it is that is unique and strange about you, accentuate that. Women with heavy eyebrows like mine plucked them until they were thin lines. I went against the grain and kept the masculine look. It was a stark contrast to the feminine clothes I wore. Therefore, I was a study in contrast. I presented both female and male, which appealed to both sexes. I also happened to be bisexual, so my appearance was neither here nor there. I was just Frida. Keep the public guessing. Be an enigma. Do not be so eager to fit in. Instead, stand out by refusing to compromise your identity. Some of the public will never appreciate your talents. But you are not an avocado that everyone is supposed to like. Find your niche. Who understands your message? That is your audience. To be all things to all people is to be a sell-out. Then you are only doing it for the money. Let people criticize you; they are not your target audience. Whatever is most unique about you, that is the talent you should exploit. Humans are drawn to the new, the cutting-edge, the strange, and the curious. If there is anything that distinguishes you, any feature that sets you apart, exploit this. Show the public how you are the only one offering this product or service and they will try it. Consumers are not so difficult to figure out. They have always been easily led like a bull with a ring in its nose, by curiosity. So, lead them right to whatever you are selling.

Also, if you are vulnerable, open, and unafraid to share your struggles and pain with an audience, they will relate. Do not look invincible unless that is what you are selling. If your product or service advises others, you will not want to showcase your vulnerabilities with the world. Instead, manage your image so they are attracted to your knowledge and strength. But in other industries and especially in art, vulnerability can be a selling point. Show your audience what your journey of life has felt like to you. My journey felt like death as I was always near to it, and I felt that I was being chopped up into pieces and sold here and there. I felt at the mercy of my circumstances and that there were two Fridas—the public her and the real her, who was crying inside. I gathered up my feelings and allowed them to paint. The rest is history. What sorrow and pain does for you is to make you soft or hard. Invariably they will make you one or the other. You will soften towards others who are hurting, or you will harden your heart and not care about anyone but yourself. It molds you into a philanthropist, or a narcissist. The public can see a narcissist coming and avoids them. However, some people admire the narcissist's "strength," which is not what it seems but a carefully constructed deception. A soft and approachable person will attract those who need healing, which is pretty much everybody. To do things in a big way, you do not have to have a big ego. The smaller your ego is, the more relatable you will be. 

I began by saying that the most important quality for doing things in a big way is confidence. For most people, being supremely confident is not second nature. Most people would not volunteer to lead; most would rather follow. To be a leader means that you have the qualities of a leader: confidence in one's decisions, the ability to communicate your vision, and the persuasion necessary to enlist others to join your group. Confidence, communication, and persuasion are key elements. However, there are good and bad leaders. Good leaders have goals that will benefit the majority. Bad leaders have goals that will benefit themselves. If the leader's agenda is hurting other groups, this is not positive leadership; it is a hoax. They pose as a good guy when their motivations are selfish and even unfair and cruel. If you want to know if someone is a good leader, ask yourself: do thier policies benefit the majority? If they do not they are no better than the devil who wears a mask.

Take it from me that fame is a very pleasurable thing. Fame and fortune are even better. But fortune is dispensed with quickly. Fame has its own price, however. Anonymity is comforting and safe, whereas fame and popularity pushes you into the spotlight where at times you would rather not be. This is because privacy is important to most people: your own space in which to be yourself and to be imperfectly you. Fame takes that from you. Suddenly you arent yourself; you are some thing. You are not Frida from Mexico. You are Frida the 'great painter' with the unibrow from Mexico. And suddenly, everyone wants a piece of you. If you can be pieced-out and still maintain your ideals, your sense of simply Frida, then fame won't move you. But most people suffer when they lose thier privacy. Their egos baloon so that thier loved ones hardly know them. If fame finds you, realize that adulation; the praise and worship is not for what you have done or who you are. Popluarity happens because the public needs someone to idolize and to look up to. They need someone to adore. Icons are necessary because the world is full of imitations and replicas. Genuine talent is hard to find. When it is found it seems like shining gold. You may have talent. You may even be extraordinarily talented. But remember that once the public has enjoyed your offering their attention will wander to the next shiny object. Do not be so stupid as to think that you are so special that you cannot be thrown away. Anyone can be replaced-it will happen to you no matter how talented, how beautiful, or how magnetic you are. So, have your moment in the sun and then let it go. Otherwise you will suffer, chasing youth which is fleeting. You will get too old for the public to love you. You will look too wrinkled and heavy for them to call you beautiful, and will suffer when you see other less-talented fresh faces sucking up all of the limelight. Of the advise I gave today, perhaps this is the most crucial: have your moment in the sun. Then, let it go. 

With Love,

Frida

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You Must Hold Yourself (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

So, you are convinced that it is I speaking and no one else. How shall I convince you, from these great distances, which in my reality is no distance at all, of what I will next say? From where I stand, you and I are in the same room, yet also as far apart as the farthest planet from Earth. For we exist in different realities, which is to say, different dimensions. And yet, our parallel universes touch one another like cellophane wrapping laid over leftover food. I am not calling you yesterday's meal, but in truth, compared to my freshness, you are! You are a stale leftover compared with my level of aliveness and vitality. For my realm is crackling with beauty and bursting with potential, while the earth is billions of years old and its health is faltering. Like an old flower, it is withering and wilted, scattering its petals here and there. Once humanity has had its run, the earth will regenerate when humans are a thing of the past. You see, this upright creature with a brain that worries over the smallest things, preferring appearances rather than spiritual substance, cannot last. The human race is self-destructive. Isn't this a fact? Admit it—even the best of you sabotage yourselves in every possible way. Only look at my short life to see how I built it, and then wrecked it with my own self-condemnation. I did not criticize others the way I did myself. For I know myself far better than the adoring public, who are still under the impression that I meant to become the 'great artist,' which I did not. I passed the time with great artists such as my twice-husband, who was a famous muralist when we met, and through him I was introduced to the art scene, names you would surely know such as Georgia O'Keeffe and Pablo Picasso. And though I played it cool as a cucumber, I was not a cosmopolitan artist, not in the commercial sense. I did not care how much an art patron paid for a painting—only that it went to a good home. I was never a money-hungry person. All of you are hungry for something; you must contemplate what you are most hungry for. I hungered for love, and while I had my share, it was fleeting. It never stayed. I could never convince it to. And once my art was recognized, I was always and still am Frida, the Mexican girl with a limp, to myself. And because of this, my thirst to be loved was so desperate that it drove me to paint. Art became my outlet—I am sure you have heard that said. Art was my lover, in bed with me—and I was so in love with it that I decided to stay in bed with it forever. In this way, I guaranteed myself a lover. For if you have an unquenchable thirst, you must find a way to give yourself a drink. Do not wait for someone to give you a drink—they will let you starve to death! Besides, it was nobody's task but mine to give me what I craved the most, which was unconditional love. And this is the subject of today's love letter.

You may be like I was, feeling that someone owes you love. Someone owes you the kind of faithful and true love that you offered. Someone owes you a debt, and until they make good on the promises they made at the altar before God and man, you cannot go on. It is not that you cannot go on; it is that you will not. Your ego has been wounded, and so you refuse to carry on. You stopped right where they dropped you. You shattered, and looking at the mess made, there was no way to pick up all the pieces. There is broken, and there is shattered. When you are dropped hard enough, you splinter into such tiny fragments that you become nothing more than a crunchy kaleidoscope. They are pretty, aren't they? You move the eyepiece, and the glass falls and collides, making jagged art. This is what happened to you. If this has stopped you from moving forward, it is because you are stuck, as I once was. Maybe your entire life is not immobile. You may get yourself to work and home again; you may be a good parent; you may put on a smile and say positive words about how pretty brokenness can be, and others may find you appealing. While inside you may be dying of thirst, as stopped as a dead baby (Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar). 

When you get to these wretched places, which are like deserts, complete with cactus and the scorching sun, there is only one course of action. I wish I had followed this advice, for I wasted too much time waiting to be loved. You must realize that nobody is coming. You may think me cruel to say this aloud. It is only because I know; I remember acutely the longing for true love. While on earth, that impulse, that drive to reach and capture adoration and to adore another, will never go away. It will haunt you mercilessly, for every person has the same hole in their heart. You will fill it or try to fill it with other broken humans who will stay awhile but who will eventually drift away. This is because nothing lasts forever. Oh, I know you do not care for this truth either. But what is causing your pain is not someone else, for pain always originates inside of you. "If they had not dropped me, I would not be broken." It sounds logical, but there will always be another broken person to come along and drop you. There is not a single person on earth who can love you the way you need to be loved. These are facts, my good friends. Because of this terrible truth, stop waiting on love. Nor should you sit on the side of the road and hitchhike, taking a lift from the next handsome stranger. Instead, put an end to this self-sabotaging, disappointing, and fruitless campaign to find love.

You may believe that finding the love of your life, or winning back the love of your life, is your purpose. You may have made it a goal, and all the rest that happens is collateral damage. But I guarantee that one day, probably when you are much older and have whittled away your life chasing love, all the tears, the broken heart, the longing, and disappointment will appear suddenly like wasted time. And one thing you can never get back is time that you have given away. A life span is only a short blip. Why not use it in a more meaningful way? And do not despair—the whole reason you are here is to learn the lessons you are learning, so in that sense you cannot waste a moment! Eternity is paradoxical. It gifts you with a few decades to see what you will do with it, and even if you wasted all of it, you did not waste anything. Nothing is wasted on you, darling. You are so worth the time and energy it takes for the universe to look after you. That makes you a winner in my book. But so you do not look back at the end and sigh with regret; realize, won't you, that you do not chase love? If you have to chase anything, it was never yours; it was running from you. If it wants to run, let it. Watch it go, but allow it to go, because for whatever reason it feels it must be free. 

Your purpose is not to attract love or to win affections. Your purpose is to become the very person that is loveable and to love yourself. Once you have accomplished this, not only in word but also once it is truly and deeply established in your heart, this love of yourself will strengthen and carry you through the worst that life can throw at you. Nobody can break you when you are holding yourself. And then if someone comes and decides to fall in love with you, terrific—there is no better feeling. But your worth absolutely must be established in a foundation of self-respect and self-love. If you were not taught how to be with yourself and be happy with your own company, what are you waiting for? There is no time like the present. It was not until the last chapter of my life that I stopped running after love and settled down into myself. When I did, peace and calm stayed. Peace only comes to those who will accept and not deny the truth. When you accept what is true, even if it is painful, peace and hope will rest on you. I am not promising that life will be rosy and you will never feel lonely again. You will be lonely, I promise you this. But again, tell yourself the truth: loneliness will not kill you. Aloneness will teach you and make you stronger, so learn to tolerate it. Make isolation your friend. In stillness and silence is every answer found.

Have I convinced you that it is I, your friend Frida, and that we are in this together? I am looking out for you, sending you these love letters hoping they will encourage you in some way. Life can be so hard. It is good to have a faithful friend, and this is what I mean to be to everyone who is reading. Do not be satisfied with a shattered heart or with sitting by waiting for good news because it may never arrive. You deserve so much more than you have been giving yourself. I wish for you every good and perfect gift that comes from above (James 1:17). 

For I am your friend, always.

Frida

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Fair-Weather Frida (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

Some people only want to have a good time so that when you need them, they've disappeared. I don't know what these friends are called today; In my day they were called fair-weather friends. Unless it's fine weather, they are not interested in helping. I've also heard them called "good time Charlies," always up for a laugh, but they only cry for themselves. Most do not shed tears at all. This is because they have seared their conscience so it hardly bothers them. They are a favorite of the group, the life of the party. They are social and seemingly kind and compassionate, though they do not know others deeply, because it is easy to fool acquaintances. Even their families see them as sweet and considerate, and they may well be. But when the chips are down and you really need them, if it is an inconvenience, Mr. Nice Guy is running in the opposite direction for they see other people's problems as none of their own. Unless there is a payoff, their interest wanes and they disappear like a puff of smoke. They are dependable as long as it doesn't require them to change their plans. These types, who only want fair weather, may marry, but will emotionally desert their partners. They make promises they do not keep, and it is not long before their attention has wandered to greener pastures. 

Does this sound like someone you have known? The difficulty is that they cannot clearly see themselves as they are, as reality is. Like their commitments, they are paper-thin; there is no substance to them. They are shallow, hollow people, full of emptiness. They are like a beautiful house that has no furniture. The outside looks enticing, but the inside is eerily vacant. "Vacant" is perhaps the most apt descriptor: "The lights are on, but nobody's home." If you dare get close to them, you begin to see an obvious lack of intellectual and spiritual depth. Ask them for their opinion, and mostly they do not have a substantial thought in their heads; vacant, and empty-headed. Despite these warning signs, they are so magnetic and friendly that people are drawn to them. How is it that these drifters who go from one romantic relationship to the next get away with leaving a trail of broken hearts in their wake? Because life allows all manner of persons to operate however they will without having to answer for their misdeeds. And this is a hard fact, that the criminals and immoral people "get away with it." On earth they do; all manner of horrible acts, and nobody is the wiser. They think they are getting away with it because Earth is not a place for justice. Earth is a planet for creating karma, and unknowingly, this is what they are busy doing: creating negative karma that will follow them into the afterlife like a shadow you do not see but cannot shake. Your karma will haunt you, going everywhere you go. But because you do not see it, you keep adding to it.

Why am I taking time to discuss fair-weather friends? Because it is easy to be one. At times, everyone has looked the other direction when someone needed help. You see a beggar, and you look the other way. You see trash on the shoreline, and look the other way. You see a mother with children struggling with the groceries, and you do not give her a helping hand. An elder needs help, but you're in too much of a hurry. Or someone is struggling to find a few more cents in their pocket, but you look away. You may do this every day because life is full of such opportunities. You look the other way, and the problem goes away, right? I tell you the truth that when you look away, it suddenly becomes your problem. You may indignantly say, "Their problems are not my own. I've got my own, important problems," and maybe you have. But when life gives you an opportunity like this—yes, I said "opportunity"—do not squander it. These very moments when nobody seems to be looking are what matters most to eternity. For in the midst of your own struggles you have been given a chance to step outside of your own myopic world. You are like a fish caught in the net of Samsara—caught in the wheel. A fish caught in a wheel. What wheel, you ask? Samsara is the wheel of birth and death, the wheel of reincarnation. In its grip, you can hardly see anything else. Only your needs matter, much like the fair-weather friend who leaves you high and dry. Are you so different from them, or aren't you similar? You both look away. The only difference between you is that occasionally you lend a helping hand. Narcisists will help, but only when guilted into it. I am guilting you right now! I am reminding you of the most universal, but unrecognized fact: that you answer not only for your present life, but you are also responsible for every problem and need that exists elsewhere. On every planet, in every galaxy in this ever-expanding cosmos, you are being asked to care, to be a caretaker for all of it. For all the beings and even nature you are responsible, as a parent is responsible for the misdeeds of its child. "What a ridiculous, ludicrous idea," you may be thinking. "How can one person among billions and billions of people be responsible for the entire cosmos?" 

On the Other Side, you will be able to see that you are not who you took yourself to be. I am not Frida anymore, though I once was. Frida had her chance. The mask I wore known as 'the great painter,' was tossed aside the moment I stepped out of my body. Then I became a cosmic citizen again, my true identity. You are reading this book in part because it was attached to my name. You may have seen my picture and thought, "I like this unibrowed artist; she was a good egg. I will read what she has to say." While in truth, Frida does not exist anymore. I am not she. I am a spirit formally known as Frida. Do you understand? I am saying: your identity—the collection of things, behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes that you are—is only good for this life. Then you expire! When your expiration date is up, you drop the identity; you outgrow it. The strangest thing about death is that as soon as you step out of that heavy, cumbersome weight that was attached to your spirit, you cannot recall who you were on earth. You may know what your vocation was: "Oh yes...I was a painter," but even that which characterized you so strongly will drift away until it will seem comical that you thought of yourself in such confining terms. It is like saying, "Who am I? I am the color blue" because you liked that color. Such a minuscule description as a name or a vocation cannot contain you or accurately characterize you because you were the sum total of many likes and dislikes, many talents, many beliefs, and many behaviors. 

For me to say, "I am Frida" makes me laugh. I might as well answer by saying, "My consciousness is as big as an ant." I am no longer Frida the artist, the family member, the ex-wife, or the revolutionary. That very well-meaning Frida lived for a blip of time on the cosmos' clock and calendar, and is no more. You immortalized her, but I cannot recognize her as me anymore. Now I am a citizen of the cosmos. Even that description, which seems big to you, Frida the cosmonaut, is too narrow for me. I tell you, humans are so pathetically myopic it makes me laugh. Everything about that woman died when I did. What you celebrate is your own idea, your own conceptualization of her. The real her—the me that once was her—is so gigantic as compared to the Frida you have memorialized. This truth, that you belong not to yourself but to the cosmos, is why you are responsible for everyone and everything in it. Because you are a part of the fabric of life as a whole. It is like this: Do you say, "That piece of cloth is part of my shirt," or don't you say, "This is my shirt"? You point to the whole garment when referring to it. Likewise, I cannot point to my life as Frida and say, "This is Frida." Instead of being one measly life, I am and always will be a part of it all. I am the me who lived thousands of lives before I called myself Frida, and I have lived on the outside of the physical body in the afterlife as a cosmonaught. My earthly identity was but a tiny dot, a dash in time like the dash of a gravestone: From date of birth to date of death. That Frida was nothing more than a dash on a gravestone.

Being this great entity that you really are, you are not the you that you see in the mirror, nor the dead body you will leave behind. For you cannot die; that is a lie. You may have a heart attack; your spirit may be jolted out of your body in any number of ways. But who you are is not a matter for debate. You are a cosmic citizen, and that is a fact that cannot be changed. Belonging to all and everything, you are free. Free of that body. Free from any thought that once possessed you. A free being who is liberated and emancipated. Free to do, go, and be anything you long to. You are not bound—you are free! You are unattached to your body, your family, or your work. Being any of these trifling concepts is binding, and therefore, you are not any of them. Isn't this liberating? Say aloud: "I am not bound—I am free!" Repeat it with conviction.

Given this truth, you are no more bound to any identity that you have taken on as a butterfly is not bound to the cocoon. If a butterfly refused to leave the cocoon it would perish there. It must exit the dark confines so it can spread its wings and fly. Your current identity is so fragile and tiny as to be laughable. You are not you anymore than I am that one-time painter named Frida. It is a fairytale. It was a once-tragic story that you keep replaying over and over: "Poor unibrowed Frida; look how she suffered. Look how brave she was." Ha! That was not bravery; that was survival. She struggled to survive for 40-odd years and then she laid down the old musty cocoon and left! "Poor Frida, what a terrible existence she had!" And it is true; at the time it was terrible. But now I can scarse recall that blip on eternity's clock. It was like one second which ticked away. Goodbye and good riddance to the shell, I have not missed you because I still have me. 

I will tell you a funny or strange thing about eternity. Here we have no need to call one another by a name such as "Harry" or "Sally." I already know who you are-totally and completely. It is like me saying to my mother, "What did you say your name was?" I know her so well, I do not have to ask that. Here, you are known to everyone but not for what you did, or your name. All is known to all. When I meet another soul I do not shake their hand and introduce myself as Frida (peels of laughter). Oh what foolishness to be a human! To stick out your hand in a greeting. It is really very comical when you stop to think about such worldly customs. You stick out your arm and grab a stranger's hand and squeeze it, pumping it back and forth (more laughter). What a crazy thing to do! On the Other Side, all such customs and greetings are archaic. You might as wll put them in a museum. "Hello, I am Frida" (laughter). Who thought that up? "When you meet a stranger, do something intimate like grab their hand and squeeze it" (laughing). We laugh so much here at all the comedics of earth. It seems so ridiculously unnecessary now, foolish even. But then, it was necessary then, wasn't it? We have dispensed with all the foolishness; such a waste of time.

Because of this instantaneous familiarity, you are known everywhere to everyone, known as the cosmic form of you. I suppose if you had to introduce yourself here you could say, "Hello, I am the soul formally known as Frida when I lived on earth. You may now call me Cosmic Form of Frida" (laughter). But that is a bit cumbersome, isnt it? When we meet, no introductions are necessary and would only muddy the already clear situation. Here, it is two souls meeting who know each other in totality. Interestingly, when you meet a new soul, you might pick up that they were once this or that, maybe even famous. But rather than be impressed or intimidated, you could care less. If I were to announce, "I used to be Frida Kahlo, the great Mexican painter," you would stare at me and think I need a tuneup, because those things, labels, are superflous and tiresome. They are unnecessary and thus, sound stupid. Nobody is impressed with me here. They could care less who I used to be. It is like reading your resume to them: you would not do it because they hold it in thier hands!

The point is: you are not a collection of attributes. You are not your so-called personality. You are a soul who is everlasting, and invincible, which needs no justification nor introduction. You are a living piece of God in this world, and so is everybody else. When a living piece of God is in distress, when God is in need of help, are you really going to turn away? I dare you to. Next time someone needs a helping hand, remember-this is not a personality. This is not an identity like "mother" or "beggar." This is a peice of God struggling before you. You are tied to it, and it to you. because you are one. You are exactly the same. You are two parts of the same whole. You are both fabric of the same shirt. Turning your back on them is to turn your back on yourself. So, the next time that you see you struggling, remember that God is struggling, and reach out. Don't be a fairweather friend.

With Love,

Frida

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New Hellos: On Death (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

What happens after the time of death? I am sorry to be so morbid, but death is a fact of life, just as birth. You will not die only once; you will die more times than you can count. Why not openly discuss it? We do not hide the subject of birth, so let us not pretend about death. But birth is a happy occasion. We are saying hello, not goodbye. Goodbyes are unwelcome. But once you die, the goodbyes are all finished, and there are a thousand new hellos. Once you leave the body, you will not think about it a minute longer. You will not stay to see it cremated or buried. It is like traveling on an aeroplane. Once you are seated, you are not getting off the plane until you arrive at your destination. And you have a one-way ticket! This is how death goes. You leave your baggage with the baggage handlers, and away you go. It is just as exciting. It is a wonderful feeling of breathless anticipation. You are headed for new and exciting destinations. The difficulty is in getting to the plane. The process of leaving the body behind is often painful, a struggle, and scary. I wish I could report differently, but the body does not give up easily. Your will to live is enormous, and your brain will keep you alive as long as it possibly can. It is programmed to keep fighting, keep surviving. Throw yourself in the ocean and see how your body will struggle to survive! Even after your will to live expires, your body will keep up the fight. The body will, like an old motor, keep chugging on very few cylinders until it can chug no longer. Your will to survive is an automatic drive and is virulent. You will hang on until every last cell has been used for survival.

Then, bam! Like a jet taking off, you are up, up, and away! Do you go upwards like an aeroplane? It depends upon your destination, and people go to lots of different places. Some go to Heaven and see loved ones. Some are met by angels. Some encounter Jesus, God, or other religious figures. Others do not have a religious experience because they were not religious. And still others have "less than positive" experiences, which people have called hell. These may be frightening and hellish, but if they are having it, it is what they needed to see. Do I believe that God condemns anyone to Hell forever? I am not God, so I cannot answer for God, and neither should you. But the loving God I have come to know would not leave a soul there for eternity. To teach the soul, I can imagine that, because the Other Side is about learning. Sometimes we are taught what to do and other times what not to do. Your earthly life is a big lesson. But the evolution of your soul does not stop on earth; it continues.

And what is here? Heaven is not one big wonderland as you may have been led to believe or imagined. In fact, it is not a place, like the Taj Mahal, that you can visit. Instead, you meet your family, the angels, divinity, and even long-lost relatives and friends from many lives. Rather than a destination, it is a kingdom made of lands with vast geography. It is multidimensional. While you will die and go to one level of this kingdom to begin with, there are layers upon layers of Heaven. It is impossible to describe how it is constructed; it is too complex to begin to accurately describe. It is like earth but without the encumbrances. What I mean is, teleportation is the method of travel. You think, and you are there. No more waiting for anything—everything is instantaneous. And you do not have to speak aloud; telepathy is used. Think, and you communicate. And time is a no-thing. Meaning, it is irrelevant. You have no idea what time it is because you do not have any set schedule. You do as you will to, and whatever time it takes is of no concern because you have all the time in the world. And all manner of strange things happen here, things that never happen on earth, such as the trees being able to talk to you and animals being able to talk, too. Everything here has a consciousness and, therefore, a voice or a sound. It is not noise pollution because the sound is soft and muted; everything speaks in a whispered tone. The laws of physics are very different, which keeps you always surprised and delighted. There is laughter here. You laugh at yourself a lot. Things are not overly serious. No use for my famous unibrow here! There is no anger whatsoever. I do not know how that is possible, but there is no frustration, anxiety, or depression. Negative emotions are not allowed to be here. It is not that we run around trying to be polite. But "nice" is the only way you can be here. And that is the biggest difference: no negativity. No problems. And you do not have a physical body to drag around. You are a spirit, so you are light as a feather but sharper than you ever were on earth. You do see others, but you would not sit down with others for a meal unless it were a special occasion. Usually you are working diligently on your own projects or working in tandem with helpers. Helpers can be angels, spiritual guides, ancestors, or teachers. You are guided all the time so you stay on track. It is not a social place as much as an educational, learning place. If you did not like school on earth, not to worry. You will learn in a way that suits you. Everything in Heaven is tailored for you and your needs. 

As much as possible, do not worry about where you are going—focus on where you are now because that is where all the trouble is! Earthly life is one trial after another. It will test your endurance. Earthly life is a big marathon race. Marathons test everything in the runner. It pushes them until they hit a wall psychologically and far beyond that. Have you ever gotten to the place that you felt you could not go on, yet you had to? You may have felt that what you were facing exceeded your strength, yet somehow you persevered? At the time, it may have felt as if you were marching through hell itself with demons licking at your heels. Still, you outran them. And why are you pushed to your ultimate limits and beyond? First, it proves to you how strong you are. The human brain is the most ingenious invention known to mankind. It can keep you going far after you have exceeded your limits. Secondly, it teaches you that feelings are not facts. Feelings are ever-changing and cannot be counted on. Lastly and most importantly, you will need to have shed as much karma, or should I say, karma left over from other lives, before you arrive. Just as a marathoner burns off every calorie that they have available to finish the race. You will be burning off karma from past lives in order to get to the destination where you need to be. You may think that reincarnation is not real, and go ahead and think that. But when you get here you will see that it is very real. It is best to know that now. The next time you are faced with a mountain you think you cannot climb, reassure yourself that you are strong enough.

Now, back to dying. You fear it because regardless of what anyone says, all humans fear it in varying degrees. This is because it is a process that you do not know. It is exactly like being asked to walk through a dark and lonely tunnel, and you do not know what you will meet. It is natural to fear the unknown. I wish I could lend you some strength when it comes your time, for regardless of what destination you are off to, God and your loved ones will meet you on the Other Side. It is a joyous homecoming. But "joy" is not an adequate description for what will transpire. The words I would pick to describe heaven are awe-inspiring, surprising, and wondrous. The best overall description might be the word "unbelievable." You will not comprehend how you are seeing and hearing without a body, although you will have a body made of light. You will not understand how you are speaking without words and how you are traveling in the blink of an eye. It takes some getting used to, and I am still in amazement at the things that happen to me. I have been here a long time in earthly years. In heaven's years, I have only been here a short while. Our time passes much slower than does Earth time. An astronaut who leaves the earth's orbit and stays in space for 5 years would return to Earth only 5 years older. But the people they left behind would have lived many more years than the astronaut. Still more incredible is the ability to bend time. When heaven's citizens go about their activities, if desired, they can slow or speed up time. This is not accomplished by a time machine. Merely by thought. Let us say you are running late and need to stretch time out. By desiring, it happens. Or you can speed things up at will. You are not God, but you will have divine powers because you are, even now, partially divine, or I should say, part of God. 

I hope this has given you less pause about death and the afterlife. While it seems daunting and scary, it is actually more natural and easier than you think once the body is dispensed with, and a peace comes over you when it is your time, so the anxiety melts away. Finally, do not worry if you are an irreligious person. I will say a few things next that may offend, and I do not mean them to offend, but say them because they are true. And that is, take every "holy book" with a grain of salt. Or, a whole bag of salt. Remember, when you read any book that describes heaven, it was written by a man who lived some thousands of years ago who was describing visions, and he had to use the descriptions he had at that time. In Jesus' day, had an alien spaceship visited, there were then no engines, planes, rockets, or spaceships. Only birds flew. How would a man with only the wheel and fire describe a spaceship? He would use descriptors familiar to him, wouldn't he? The holy books are holy not because they are scientifically accurate, but they are considered holy because they communicate God's love for humanity. And please remember that the authors were humans with prejudices and biases and were observing the social mores of the time. Not everything that is written in them is accurate and contemporary. The Bible describes slavery as an acceptable social practice, but you know today that it is not morally correct and God does not condone slavery of His children. Jesus taught against it. 

I was not a religious person and yet, here I am, safe and sound on the Other Side. God cares nothing for your religion. The practice of religion is the practice of rules and is helpful for society as a whole, but God does not require your worship. Is God honored when you pray, chant, meditate, or have a devotional? Absolutely, and God answers your prayers. So keep it up. But it is not for God's benefit that you worship. Please see: you grow spiritually because of your devotion; that is what you do it for. But if you do not worship God will not hold it against you. However, that also means you may not be evolving spiritually. Spiritual growth is important for the soul, to shed karma. However, once you are here you begin the process of a different, more advanced type of growth. It is just that those who started this spiritual process on earth will be ahead of you.

At the end of my life I began to feel gratitude for my time on earth, though it was, by any stabdard, a grueling race. I began to pray, and this opened for me a bridge to the heavens. By the time death came I was ready for death, meaning that I felt peace inside; I had made my peace with God. This is something that a priest and last rights cannot do for anyone. You must humble yourself before God. If you will, a peace will settle in your heart. Even if you do not believe in a God, no matter, for God believes in you. And you will find out after death that you were mistaken, and be pleasantly suprised to discover that even yet, God still loves you as His own. 

Are you still hesitant? I hope not. Why be afraid of going someplace much happier where you can live carefree? Why be afraid of a heaven that welcomes you? It is only the unknown that is fear-producing, and I have dispelled many unknowns today so you can have a safe and peaceful flight. See you soon.

With love,

Frida

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Why Leaving a Legacy is Important (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

 

 

 

This is the unvarnished truth: that everyone and everything will one day go away. One day the chair you sit upon, the bed you sleep in, and everyone who you love and who loves you will go away and never return. But you will not allow thoughts of this nature to disturb the order and predictability of your world. When reminded of the temporary nature of reality, you quickly change the channel on your thoughts, for who wants to dwell on loss when there is work to be done? But you see, even the work that you call "mine" will come to an end. And what will be left of you? What will be your legacy? Will you be remembered for anything, and if so, what? Maybe you will be remembered by your friends and family, though briefly, but then they will have their work and daily lives to attend to, and day upon day your memory will fade until you are nothing but a distant memory. And when they are gone, who will remember them? You may take me for being unnecessarily morose, but the fact remains that most people will never stop to consider what their legacy will be until it is too late. And I do not mean what will people say about you—that is meaningless because it is only one person's opinion, which is subjective. No, I mean, what are you leaving behind for future generations? And if your answer is money, while it is the most common form of inheritance, it will be gone quicker than anything. The money will be spent in a hurry, and you will be forgotten. The inheritor will appreciate you for leaving it, but it has no meaning for society as a whole, other than your intended care and concern for your loved ones. 

Why is this important? Because you do not want to be asked what you did for others or how you improved the world by being in it and not have an answer. You can bet that you will be asked this question, and your answer better be a good one. You do not need to be famous to make a difference. Fame has nothing to do with good works. It is less important who you were in life ("I was Frida, the great painter") than what you accomplished with the talents and time you had. If you were given much, much will be expected of you. If you were wealthy, how did you use that money to benefit others? If you could build houses, or fix plumbing, or repair cars, how would you use your skill to help somebody? Everyone is asked the same question because you are a steward, whether you know it yet or not. Christ said: You are given coins and the master goes away. When he returns he asks, "How did you use the coins I gave you?" Even Christ wanted you to think about this matter of stewardship (Matt 20: 1-16). Because, though it may not seem like it, a human birth is one of the biggest boons. Animals are not able to reflect on their existence like a human can, and they do not know that they are in relationship with a higher power. Animals follow their instincts and do not dwell on matters of spirituality, philosophy, and psychology. They do not have the ability to be self-aware in the same way a human can consider their behavior and choices. Therefore, being the top of the food chain with the largest intelligence means that you have a responsibility to self-reflect. You were given so many abilities that other mammals do not have. In the afterlife you will give an account for how you used them.

At this point you may be feeling slightly uncomfortable because you are not sure what your answer would be, because you have not given it much thought, and that is OK. Today you are looking at this subject so you can get clear on the issue. Ask yourself: Have you ever helped other people? If so, how? It does not matter who it is you helped, or whether you were paid for it—help is help. If you helped a grandparent pull weeds, that counts. If you cook for your family, that counts. If you take good care of a pet, that counts. If you wish to see all the ways that you have been helpful, make a list, and you may be surprised at the many ways you used your talents in service to others. After this exercise you may be feeling better about that question. Most people do not give themselves enough credit for all the ways they pitch in and get the job done. 

If you are not able to help out due to a disability as I had, then how are you exercising your artistic abilities or using your brain or hands in some fashion to make the world a better place? Everyone can do something! You are not in competition with anyone else; each person's situation is different. What you can do your neighbor cannot. Do not compare yourself with someone else because you are not them, and they are not you. If it seems that your talents have been under-utilized, perhaps it is time to see where you can get plugged in. You will feel better when you are contributing to your fullest. If you are retired, it is understandable that your gifts are not being utilized as they once were. Instead of returning to work, find an organization that needs volunteers and give them a little of your time. In this way you are still pitching in and getting the job done.

I hope you will take to heart what I am saying, because at some point, probably sooner than you think, it will be your turn to explain how you invested your time. 

With Love,

Frida 

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Broken Frida (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

My body is a story I know all too well. Trapped as a princess in a tower or a prisoner in a dungeon, I could not get free of it, and freedom is the only thing worth having. I hated the fragility of the body because my will was an iron rod that nobody could break, while my spine had been shattered by an actual metal rod. I was the opposite of a potted flower. A clay pot protects a delicate flower; I was the indestructible center surrounded by a cracked pot. They say in Japan that a cracked pot is more beautiful than the perfect original, that its many imperfections make it a piece of art. Then my body surely was my finest work of art. 

It is true of people who live in a broken casing that, by default, their will becomes fortified beyond the average person with fine health. This is because their challenges are nonstop and never-ending, and therefore one must muster the strength to push on. You must also not complain about the walls you scale on a daily basis. Walls that are not noticed by others, so if you were to complain, they would think you a weakling. What they do not see is how hard you must try to do the simplest things from a wheelchair or a bed. They do not stop to consider how their life would change if they could not walk or even sit upright by themselves. How would they bathe? Would they cook if they could not stand? You need your spine for so many things, which supports the entire framework. I had a broken spine from a terrible accident when I was an adolescent, and for the remainder of my existence, I fought to preserve my self-efficacy, my dignity. Over the years my spine deteriorated, so I elected to try back surgery. It would help for awhile, leading me to hope, and then the experimental device would fail. The doctors were doing all they could, but what worked best was pain medication. It allowed me to sleep at night and to function during the day. 

However, your body becomes accustomed to prescription pain pills so that you must take larger doses for the same effect. And at a certain point the body becomes addicted. There were many times when I was filled with such rage and anger that I was in a pitiable predicament, for friends and family were going and coming wherever they liked, whenever they liked, while I stayed home in a wheelchair or bed-bound. Can you imagine such a thing for yourself, being a wing-clipped bird? I did not know who I was more enraged with. Was there a God who would leave me in such a dilapidated condition? The church had said that God is love, but leaving a child this way for her whole life—that could not be the love they spoke of. 

And then my personal life was always falling apart, another accident. Married twice to the same man who tended to my physical needs as best he knew but who did not know what to do with the rest of me. He respected and admired my determination with which I tackled life, but he was intimidated by my strength and life force of will when it came to our relationship. Rather than stay and learn how to love me, his attention wandered to women who were easier to love, women who did not ask as much. And of course these wanderings were the reason for our divorces, though I pretended not to care. He liked the idea of loving a force of nature, but did not know how to. I thought of him as my little bird, for he would alight with his giant mitt-sized paw on my shoulder and stay awhile, then fly away when the demands of married life became too great. I took his rejection to heart for a long time and tried to devise ways to make him stay. But it was not me he wanted, and this was the core issue. He wanted to explore, to travel, and to live in other places than Mexico, where I was. He did not want marriage, but he married me to give me a sense of security, which is what I needed. It was not until after the second divorce that I stopped blaming myself for not being enough. I was too much for him! He was not up to the task, but I say this with love in my heart for him. We can love someone with our whole being and not be a good match. Love is not all you need. It is a foundation for a relationship, but if you do not want the same things out of life, like it or not, you will be headed in opposite directions. 

It is clear that my physical disabilities were a weight on his shoulders, and I detested that I, who loved my little bird more than life itself, was the cause of his discontent. My relationship is recounted so it can be known that those who have disabilities abhor it more than anyone and would give anything to live a normal life. You have no earthly idea how much anxiety, guilt, sorrow, depression, and frustration they feel not being able to do what the body was designed to do. Likewise, those with mental disabilities are perhaps worse off than anyone, because while they deal daily with impairment and medications, it cannot be seen like a physical problem can, so it is assumed they are not suffering or inconvenienced. There is no worse suffering than debilitating feelings of depression due to high anxiety or crushing despair. As a physically disabled person, I naturally dealt with these two off and on due to my ailments. But to feel the crushing weight of them without respite is one of the worst fates to befall you. It takes enormous courage to face a new day knowing you will be met by these monsters. If you or someone you know has a brain that is not working like it was supposed to, please realize that they do not want to face the hellish reality that they do and are trying some days to get through the day without screaming. Having a dysfunctional brain is no different than having a dysfunctional spine. Both are problems of the physical body, with different symptoms.

It is easy as a non-impaired person to look down on a disabled person and think they are not trying hard enough or they are lazy. But you do not know what it would be like to get through the day with the symptoms they face. Remember, they will not be complaining about their pain, anxiety, or depression, because nobody wants to hear it. They are suffering in silence. It may look like they are doing fine; what have they got to complain about? How nice not to have to work. When the disabled person would give their arm to be normal, to be able to work. Do not be fooled by the brave faces you see. I painted on the face of a strong woman every day because I did not want the public to pity me. I wanted them to marvel at my courage. So every day I became the Frida you know and love. Truth be told, that was not me. That was a caricature of Frida. The real Frida was someone who endured loneliness, heartbreak, frustration, and even apathy. I became so despondent that only my animals or children who came to visit me could cheer me up. And the real Frida was afraid, a lot more than you might guess. I was afraid of my condition worsening, afraid of never seeing Diego again, afraid of death, even afraid the public would forget me and no longer call for my work. Fear was a familiar emotion. But I would not show it; otherwise, the myth and mystique of Frida Kahlo would die, and I had worked hard at making all of you believe that I was stronger than I really was.

My heart is with each of you who put on a brave face every day because life decided to play a rotten trick on you. I know you fight hard to keep your head up, and you do not let others see how going on can seem impossible, yet you do it. Regardless of what anyone thinks or says about you, I know how hard you try. I have to believe that all of it has a higher meaning and purpose and that you, like me, will do something wonderful with the little bit of life you were given. That is all that matters: not that you are "normal," but that you faced the challenge and said, "I can," and so, "I will."

With Love,

Frida

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Women: Staying Composed When Facing Workplace Criticism (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

Everyone has experienced being the target of acrimony. The word "acrimony" derives from "acrid," which is a strong, bitter taste. This is an accurate description of revenge. Revenge results from a strong bitterness. For example, I was under fire from men in the art world who did not want to share the spotlight with a woman. The famous painters of my day were mostly men, save a few brave females. To be included, we had to sleep with an artist in order to arouse their sentiments towards us. If I appealed to their sexual prowess, then my art was not taken as competition. This is an interesting psychological fact about men; if they can "conquer you" sexually, anything else you will do will not be seen as threatening to them. They will see you as "their" girlfriend or mistress, and because they enjoyed the sex and hope it will continue, they will do professional favors for you, such as introduce you to the right men to further your career. Today this is known as "sleeping your way up the ladder" and not seen as respectable, although it still is the way the game is played in many corporations. But in my day, because successful artists were men, if you were a woman, your art was not going to be seen based on its merit alone.

When I did not sleep with them, male artists and art critics critiqued my art harshly. They used words such as "quaint" and "colloquial," pointing out that I was a Mexican woman with no formal education in art. I was puzzled as to why men were so staunchly against women in the arts. Then it occurred to me that if women were allowed to perform alongside them, their talent would not shine as brightly. Women needed to make inroads to the art scene. I became an artist's wife and thus a member of the art community. I sat at cafes with the boys, smoking, drinking, and debating the different artistic movements late into the night. I traveled to America where I met influential art patrons and their favorite artists. This was the only way to break into the art scene as a woman. 

Once my art began to be shown in public, I gained a following and momentum. Mine was a style the critics had not apprehended before. It did not strictly fit into any category but was a blend of Mexican peasant traditionalism and surrealism. Critics also did not know what to make of me personally. Like my art, I was an amalgam of old and new. The old Mexican Tehuana skirts and braided hair, and the new statement that women were making in the workplace as depicted by my strong uni-brow and serious, unsmiling demeanor were both feminine, and masculine. This duality confused the critics. They were uncertain of how to approach me: as a vulnerable woman susceptible to manipulation, or as a formidable man who cannot be easily influenced? Had I not appeared as feminine, they would have rejected me outright. A woman dressing as a man would have been too much for them. I always thought about how I presented myself; how I must be careful not to intimidate or threaten male artists. 

The male artists were free to be themselves and seldom had to "fit in" with others' expectations. Therefore, when a woman entered their domain she was subjected to intense scrutiny. I was seen as an anomaly and a source of intrigue. When not sleeping with them, I was criticized, critiqued, evaluated, and adjudicated at every turn. They would offer their opinions on my art without being invited, and explain to me as if I were a senseless child how I could improve my technique. I didn't mind if they were trying to help, but many used it to say, "I am your superior." In my naivete, I believed that artists would be a unique group of men, too cultured and refined to engage in competitive games, but I was mistaken. I eventually believed it is within the male psyche to conquer his environment. He must feel he is number one in something. If not, someone else will be made to feel inferior. This is the disappointing conclusion I came to. Funny, but men do not see this as a problem. They see their need to conquer as a means to achieve success. All men are constantly jockeying for position, and none of them thinks of it as a pathetic character flaw. However, I can tell you that women see the ego-mania in a different way. Humility is seen as strength by a woman, so men and women look upon the ego in a totally different way. 

Because I was a female artist in a sea of men, I learned to survive their ego-stroking competitions by being silent. Men do not concern themselves with women who are quiet. In private, among family and friends, I would smoke, talk incessantly. and talk out of turn. But among my male colleagues I was quiet as a church mouse. I would ask questions, and the male egos were happy to offer me an abundance of free advice. But I did not speak unless spoken to. In this way, the men had nothing to fear. They knew that Frida would hold her tongue in public, never crossing them. Because more than anything, men fear being made a fool of in front of their peers, and especially by a woman. There were many occasions when I had to stop myself from smiling or laughing at what largess egos were on display. And it seemed the slighter they were in stature, the larger was their ego, which I saw as compensatory.

The surest way, as a woman anyway, to escape criticism is to say little when you are the target. Let the egos boast and ignore most of it. If your work is worthy, it will stand alone and stand the test of time. Art critics are never remembered for their smart words. Can you name one critic whose opinion was remembered? But the art endured, minus the criticism. These days women need not sleep with the boss to get ahead. This is because women who came before you did what was necessary. The work world has changed for the better in many regards, but men are ever men with fragile egos, and women must be mindful of this. A man will ruin your career if they feel threatened by you. So, take it from me—tread lightly with men. All men. And let your excellent work speak for itself.

With Love,

Frida

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The Unfortunate Soul (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

You have heard, no doubt, of the spirit, also called the soul. Religions claim that each person has one. In life I was not a pious person. I did not see an indication that God was merciful; if there was such a God. And who wants to pray to an unkind God? If you are familiar with the story of my life, you know that from the time I was a sickly child with polio, only one mercy was shown to me. And that one favor was greater than every pain that I suffered. One could say that this one gift was equal to or greater than my many tragedies. But as in everything, it depends on how you look at it.

If I were to list my misfortunes, they would stack up like this: As a young girl, I contracted polio, which left me with a weak and withered leg so that I limped and could not run as the other children did. Then, as a teenager, I was the victim of a trolley accident. I was crossing the street when a trolley collided with a horse and carriage, and somehow, a metal rail from the trolley impaled me. It pierced my uterus, making me unable to bear children, and it nearly cost me my life. Worse, it caused irreparable damage to my spine so that I endured chronic pain and surgeries that were unsuccessful. I wore body braces, which kept my spine erect, but at that time doctors did not know how to repair me. Due to the chronic pain which became my closest friend, I chain-smoked. I became an alcoholic, and was addicted to pain medication.

If my medical troubles were not enough, there was no greater misfortune than my undying love for my ex-husband, Diego. Family and friends could not see in him what I saw. They saw only the shell, which was an obese, average-looking fellow with sad eyes under a tuft of curly black hair. He was a muralist, and for some reason he glimpsed my potential as an artist. He encouraged me to develop my skills in drawing and painting. Having a famous painter see something in me worth praising was all the fuel I needed. Had he not taken me under his wing and introduced me to his group of friends and colleagues, I would have been alone in my misery. But art gave me a method to express my innermost longings. Every person needs an outlet to communicate their inner world, because when so much angst is contained within the body, without a healthy outlet of expression, it can turn into an illness. It manifests as cancer, arthritis, or some other chronic disease. I am not blaming all disease on repressed feelings, but I am saying that denial sometimes expresses itself as illness. 

Diego was simultaneously the worst, and the best thing that happened to me. I felt loved unconditionally and seen by him. I also felt rejected and forgotten. How is it possible for the same person to inspire deep feelings, both positive and negative? As a result of our on-again, off-again relationship, we married and divorced twice. Subsequently, we concurred that maintaining a friendship was the most appropriate course of action, yet I never ceased to love him. That unreciprocated love ultimately manifested in substance abuse and self-reproach. I blamed myself for driving him away, for he was by nature a little bird, while I was a cuckoo bird (that is a joke). I was a force of nature; I had to be to survive polio, the accident, surgeries, miscarriages, and heartbreak. One becomes strong by way of adversity.

Now that I have recounted my life as Frida, I want to tell you who I am today. The ironic thing is, though I am no longer in a body and now am only what you would call a spirit, I am still an irreligious person. Although, I have changed my position on God. There is an afterlife; I am proof of that. And there is a spirit world. But I do not ascribe to any way of worship. I do not keep a traditional routine of worship, for my very existence, my being, is that Thing. How can I be a part of that Thing and not be worshipful? My being is contained in it, and I am made of it. A soul is like a cloud. Clouds are separate but part of the sky, like ocean waves are part of the ocean. In the hereafter, worship is not something you do or where you go, like a temple. It is localized. In every breath I exalt my Maker. For the soul is part of creation, which is immaterial. I am a living temple. I exist in many different dimensions and planets. I am composed of light and energy. You are a light wave, too, but so slow in vibration as to appear in solid form. I am vibrating at a higher speed so you cannot perceive me, just as when the blades of a fan whirl so fast that you cannot see the blades anymore. We are both in motion, but at different speeds. What is important to know about the soul is that you are in it, but for now, you are also the body. When you die, you will leave the heavy, useless body behind like an old, ugly shell, and you will be born again. You will be weightless and made of light. You do not realize the burden of a body until you are free of it. You carry a boulder-like ball and chain during earthly life, and when freed of it, Oh, what a relief!

You will have at least two new faculties after death. And don't be sad when you hear of your death; it's the best part of life. Slogging through the mortal cesspool is what saddens you, for death is a truly celebratory occasion. Your two new powers will be teleportation, and telepathy. Imagine thinking it and immediately being wherever you want to go. Or having a wordless conversation. You will eliminate the inconveniences of a material body. Given these advantages, there is nowhere you cannot explore, and nobody will not talk to you! You will remember your life on earth and shudder, or marvel at the trials you endured. Your loved ones on earth will lament and grieve your passing, while for you it is a wondrous miracle of freedom, especially for a person like me who suffered. 

It is said that God never gives you so much adversity that you cannot handle it. I do not know who said that, but they could not be more wrong. The truth is, some people have so much piled on them that they break under the weight of it. But those people needed to be broken. You may think, "That is not a very kind thing to say." But it is true. Earthly life is for getting rid of the ego, for humbling oneself, and for learning to make better choices. If someone has a strong sense of will, what is called the ego, it must be confronted, or else they will never submit. It is like breaking a wild horse. It will go on running forever, never being of use to anyone unless it is broken. And what is being broken? An unwillingness to submit to a higher authority. But you say, "Maybe the horse wants its freedom." What if it wants to go its own way? Then it is having a very good time running here and there while some poor cowboy walks. There is an order in the universe. Depending upon your position within that divine order, you may need to be broken. I am not saying it is easy to be broken. That horse will fight the handler—kick, buck, and bite. But eventually, no matter how vigorously it resists, it will realize it too has a job to do. Its resistance will be transformed into acceptance, and it will become an asset instead of a liability. By the end of my life, I was broken. It is not an quick, or a pretty process. It will seem unfair, even brutal. But I was a strong-willed horse. It took a lot of pressure, but by the end I was praying and had made my peace with God. I was not angry anymore; I was accepting. I accepted that Diego could not handle a wild horse like me. It did not make me bad, nor was he; we were mismatched, but I did not want to accept that fact. And I saw that so much of my suffering I myself caused! Had I gracefully let go of him, I could have enjoyed more peace. 

If you are still in the process of being broken, it will not be pleasant. It will seem unwarranted and unjust. It will seem that God must hate you, for He has no sympathy. Truthfully, those who are loved are chastised. Otherwise, God is a bad parent to let you get away with the sins that have bound you. Good parents give you a slap on the head when you are acting the fool. Isn't this true? When life is rebuilding you, when it hurts very bad, it is intelligent to ask yourself, "Have I done anything to contribute to this problem?" Then you can learn from it. You see, your soul will migrate from one body to the next in its effort to evolve. The system of soul development is just as the Eastern religions tell it. You have many chances to grow. But now you are weathering this harsh life, suffering many troubling circumstances, so sometimes it is impossible to feel hopeful or happy about the path you are on. And God understands this. And who is God, anyway? That is the ultimate puzzle, and you will not solve it until after you pass from this life when you will be reminded that God is all, in everyone and everything, and God is love. This is who God is and what God is, and most importantly, who and what you are. 

You may not feel loving. You will experience negative emotions that all humans endure. You will be happy for a day, and the next day that jubilation evaporates like it never happened. This is the way of emotions; they are passing fancies. If you wait it out, things always seem to improve. This is because, like the weather that changes from night into day, there is always a sunrise. Life is cyclical, as are emotions. The older you get, the greater your patience and tolerance become. This is because you have seen that life's miseries come and go. You gain perspective, and become long-suffering. When you are hard-pressed on every side, the lemon juice flows out, and you will act in less than loving ways. It does not mean you are not part of God, which is love. It means that in the moment you are under pressure. But ultimately, your soul will find its way back to love. That is a true and very lovely statement. In this life you will be the grouchiest, the meanest, and the toughest. But in the next life you will choose to be sweet, kind, and tender. You think in terms of one life to live but the cycle is much bigger than that. So, when you are having a bad day, year, or life, it is not the end of the story. It is only a chapter. If you could title your life, what would you title it? I would have titled mine: The Two Fridas, which is the name of one of my paintings. It illustrated that there were two of me. One was a conventional Mexican female, while her twin was the inner me who was in pain. There are two sides to everybody, remember that. 

If you, like me, are an unfortunate soul, there is still a purpose for you. It may seem impossible that any good ending can come of your disappointments, but try not to despair. There is plenty of time to turn things around. The problem is, it looks like you are running out of time and must solve all of your problems, while in truth you have an inexhaustible cache of lives. Do not be fooled by a sense of false urgency. Realize that most of your problems are with other people and because of this they cannot be resolved successfully as you would like. You cannot control how others respond. The pressure you feel to resolve "unfinished business" is social or familial pressure resulting from guilt, regret, or resentments. You must accept that many relationships will not be repaired as you would like. So much is outside of your control. And yet, the so much time and effort is spent trying to win. If you knew how much is out of your control you would worry much less. You are laboring under a set of "rules" that are not even factual.

My parting thought is this: misfortune may not be the worst of your troubles, for at least it tells you that you are being corrected, transformed into an ever-stronger soul. The worst that can happen is to get everything your way all of the time. Then you would have an easy life full of wealth and health, but would not improve. You would learn nothing and waste your time. You would wish at the end that you had developed and grown and wonder what it was all about. That would be the worst case. I hope this has given you food for thought. Life is not good unless you are developing and growing. If you plant a seed and it never grows, is that a successful seed? Because it did not attain its potential, it is a waste. Don't be that kind of plant.

With Love,

Frida

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