Self-control in all things is important, but especially in the area of sexuality. Few are comfortable openly discussing this private subject, but I have never been one to back down from a challenge. Men are especially cursed with strong sex drives and due to the veracity of their urges, many give up trying to restrict themselves. This phenomenon is why every woman has been on the receiving end of unwanted advances, rapes, incest, and pedophiles. The majority of men will not cross the line for fear of the law. But what about both men and women who abandon their partners for affairs, whether they are actual or emotional? Isn't that a lack of self-control? You are free to leave a relationship anytime as long as it is a conscious choice. But to be led away by lust, as unthinking as a goat, is a lack of self-control. Doing anything in excess such as overeating, watching too much TV, or chain-smoking (my favorite), is all the same issue with different manifestations. My guess is that each of you, in some area, should restrict yourselves more. Even worthy activities like working and exercising can be taken to extremes.
Why did I chain-smoke and overindulge in alcohol and drugs? Wasn't I content being a successful painter during my lifetime? Lack of self-control is not a simple problem. People let themselves go for many reasons. If you are willing to damage your health with addictions, as I was, perhaps it is time to work through why you feel that it is acceptable to hurt yourself. For my part, I experienced an increasing doom about my body's broken condition, and a dark depression descended upon me like stormy rain clouds. Anxiety over having become a burden attacked me like birds pecking away at my mental well-being. In the end I only wished for the misery to end.
Let us examine what self-control is, and is not. Self-control is the ability to say no to an urge or drive. Sex is a strong drive, which is why men get into so much relational or legal trouble. A lack of self-control can manifest as an addiction, which is a pattern. A man who has a pattern of acting out his fantasies and urges may prey upon children, and this is the most damaging addiction of all. It spoils that child's innocence and their ability to trust in men. The pedophile has been sucked into a circular pattern of violating the child's rights, and only prosecution will stop him. Before it destroys your health, relationships, or innocent lives, you must make a sobering inventory. Anytime you cannot control your behavior with a "no" is where you must begin.
As I mentioned, reasons for poor self-control can be numerous. You may be unhappy in an area of your life, dissatisfied enough to let your guard down and to slide into trouble. That slide seems not to be a conscious choice; you simply ignore the inner voice warning you. You look the other way and it almost feels unconscious. You betray a child's trusting nature, or you take advantage of the vulnerability of a woman alone, or you ignore the smoker's cough that has developed as I did that was trying to warn you. Or, you push your promises to your partner aside. You disregard the caution of the conscience and you step over the line. It is not a slippery slope at all—it is a definite bad choice.
So here is what to do about it: if you are tired of being led instead of being in control, it is possible to rid yourself of bad habits, or worse, criminal urges. What you must do to rescue yourself depends upon how serious the habit has become. If it is a regular, repeating pattern or if it has become criminal, you must treat it as serious and seek professional attention. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can single-handedly save yourself from yourself. That is like a drowning man giving himself a hand; it is not going to work. If it is an addiction, which is what a daily pattern is, it has already progressed beyond your ability to self-regulate. Your impulse control has been damaged or compromised so that nothing you try will pull you out of it. You cannot treat yourself. Even doctors do not perform surgery upon themselves. This is the work of physicians and counselors, which you are not. Accept that if you are addicted, self-sabotage has become a way of life. Getting help does not mean you are not strong. It means you are strong enough to get help. It takes more fortitude to get the help than to go on denying that you need it.
There are those who, with the support of self-help books and discussion groups, can put an end to self-sabotaging behaviors. Try these as a first line of defense. But if the pattern is stubborn and continues, a stronger approach is needed. Those who successfully beat their addictions do so because they are no longer hiding it. You must come out of the closet. You must be willing to out yourself, because bad habits will shrink in the light. Therefore, give some thought as to who you should tell this secret to. It may not be someone close to you, as it may upset them. Usually the best people to tell are a counselor or a friend who will not betray your confidence. Listen to what they suggest. Give them your permission to ask you about it in the future, and talk to them more than once about it. This step is so important. Let someone in and you won't feel so alone. But do not continue to play a pretending game by saying, "What I am doing isn't hurting anyone; it's not that bad." When you are hurting yourself or someone else, if you are willing to gamble your relationship, perhaps it is time to work through why you feel it is acceptable. You can learn to manage your pain and stress, be it physical or psychological, in more productive ways. What you do not want to do is to allow pain to destroy you the way it nearly destroyed me. I was a strong soul; nobody ever called me weak. But even the strongest among us needs a helping hand.
With Love,
Frida
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