Balancing Head and Heart in Love (Dedicated to Frida Kahlo) by Devi Nina Bingham

Plans go awry, especially plans with lovers. This is because affairs of the heart are volatile. The volatility is because we do not use our head in romance, but our hearts, and the heart can be fickle. It is unstable and unsteady. The head is reason and fair play, while the heart is passion and does not stop to consider its actions. It only feels. If you want love to last, both organs, the head and heart, must be used. It is a mistake to rely solely on passion to carry you through, because that tank runs dry quickly. When you begin to see your beloved's flaws and inconsistencies you realize they are only human after all. Then, you have a choice to make. If you want it to last, the need for thrills and excitement must be found elsewhere. This is not to say you won't experience reoccurring bouts of renewed passion for them, for you will. But passion is cyclical. It flies away, then unexpectantly returns. To say, "I do not love you anymore," is really to say, 'I do not feel passion for you like we used to.' But love does not require torrid passion. That is not even love. Passion is a cascade of strong emotions that makes you feel loved. It does not guarantee that the person actually loves you. So, love is not passion, though it can generate passion. Rather, love is a choice to stand by the other. The object of your love may not stand by you, but if you genuinely love the other, their lack of love towards you will not erase your feelings for them.

What if you had planned to spend your life with someone and now you face the future alone? How tragic to have planned and dreamed never to be parted only to find that in the end they turned out to be a fair-weather friend. I am describing commitment, of course. For commitment is necessary if you want to have lasting relationships. If you have a job, you must be committed to showing up on time and working hard, or you may be fired. If you have a child, or even a pet, you must be committed to putting their needs ahead of your own. Even owning a house requires commitment to maintain its upkeep. Am I right? Romantic relationships are no different. They require a commitment to weather the highs and lows of the heart. But the heart is not concerned with building or maintaining a marriage or a partnership. It craves only the powerful and charismatic romance and be damned with all else. This is why any relationship of substance will require commitment, and this comes from the head.

You cannot force anyone into being committed when they are not. People "move on" to what they think are "greener pastures." Someone else looked easier and more exciting, just as your relationship first did. But every new relationship appears perfect, exactly what you have been looking for. It is only because you are seeing with "rose-colored glasses." You do not see the imperfections and problems the next person will cause. Then they look back with regret and wonder why they did not work harder at making it successful. Simply because in matters of romance they have listened more to the heart than to the head.

My parents stayed together and were faithful, but their marriage was loveless. They stayed together out of commitment to the family, and to convention. I learned by this that stability comes by commitment; however, commitment does not guarantee that the heart will be happy. My parents were both disillusioned with the other. Instead of finding emotional fulfillment by taking up a hobby or becoming socially engaged, they came to resent the other for they felt uninspired and "tied down." They felt that their wings had been clipped. I learned that each person is responsible for their own happiness. Do not give the power for your happiness to someone else. Couples should have their own interests, goals, and creative outlet. So, commitment alone does not guarantee a happy marriage. It is a balance of the two: the head plus the heart delivers a healthy union.

A mutually satisfying relationship is not easy to build, and by easy, I mean thoughtless. You do not build a house without a blueprint, do you? Yet couples enter the biggest commitment of their lives minus a blueprint. Wedding vows are not the same as a plan to build one's life upon. They are promises, but promises are not plans. How much better would it be if couples sat down and crafted a blueprint for their relationship? Do you think they might fare better through the hard times? Enter into long-term relationships having hammered out a blueprint first. Make goals, and craft agreements that both can commit to. Make relationship, and financial goals. Then both of you sign it, committing to the plan. When the feelings of romance fly away as they inevitably will, you have the blueprint to fall back on. You can point to the signed document and remind them, "That is not what we agreed to." You would be amazed how much more committed people will be once they have signed their name to something.

Unfortunately, while I signed my name twice to our marriage, we did not have agreements, and no plan. When the grass looked greener elsewhere, my little bird was gone. Yes, he returned when he realized he loved me, but he flew away again and again when times got hard. And for those of you who do not wish to stay if your partner should become ill, please do not get married because eventually everyone will get ill, will get old, and will die. Be very clear and honest about what you will do, and what you do not want. It will save everybody heartbreak in the long run.

The biggest problem I see with couples of all ages is that they do not speak up and say what they really need and want. Because they do not ask for what they desire, they will go find it with others. But if you never ask for what you need, is it your partner's fault if you do not get it? They cannot read your mind, can they? Maybe if you gave them a chance to fulfill your needs, they might. It is unfair to take your needs somewhere else, breaking your vows, when you did not give your partner the opportunity to try!

I am not the queen of relationships; I had a tumultuous romantic life full of mistakes. But in hindsight I see that we were both deficient in our communications. And this is what it comes down to: how clearly can you communicate, and how effectively. We hesitate to communicate with the ones we love for a variety of reasons, but mostly we do not want to be disappointed again, and we are avoiding conflict. But see that in an intimate relationship, conflict is inevitable and if you don't communicate, you are inviting conflict. If you are willing, at least there is a chance of resolving the issue. Squashing down your feelings, your resentments, and your regrets never helped anybody. It is like sitting on a porcupine. You can only sit so long before it hurts too badly to sit anymore. Eventually the truth will come to the surface. So do communicate, but in such a way that you are not a bomb exploding. This was my issue. By the time I shared my feelings it came out like a firehose going off. You absolutely must find a way to share without blowing the other person away. We all could be better communicators. Be willing to acknowledge this and to amend your approach. When plans go awry in romance as they will, or when love leaves you high and dry, see that it was not all them, regardless of what they did. It was both of you missing the mark. And if romance should give you a second chance, use your head at least as much as your heart. For real love is a choice as much as it is a feeling."