Plans go bad, especially with lovers. This is due to the volatility of romantic relationships. The instability stems from the fact that in romance, we rely on our hearts rather than our heads, and the heart may be fickle. It is unstable and unreliable. The brain represents rationality and fair play, but the heart represents passion and acts without hesitation. It merely feels. To make love last, both the mind and the heart must be employed. It's a mistake to rely exclusively on passion to get you through, since that tank runs out soon. When you notice your beloved's imperfections and inconsistencies, you understand they are only human after all. Then, you have a choice to make. If you want it to last, your desire for thrills and excitement must be satisfied elsewhere. This isn't to suggest you won't have recurring spurts of fresh desire for them; you will. But passion is cyclical. It flies away and then unexpectedly reappears. To remark, "I don't love you anymore," means, "I don't feel the same passion for you as we did before." But love does not necessitate intensity. That's not even love. Passion is a rush of intense feelings that makes you feel cherished. It does not mean that the person truly loves you. So, while love might inspire passion, it is not the same as love itself. Rather, love is a choice to stand by the other. The object of your love may not stand by you, but if you genuinely love the other, their lack of love towards you will not erase your feelings for them.
What if you had intended to spend your life with someone, but now you are facing the future alone? How awful to have planned and hoped of never being apart, only to discover that they were simply a fair-weather friend in the end. Of course, I'm referring to commitment. Commitment is required if you want to maintain long-term partnerships. If you have a job, you must be devoted to being on time and working hard, or you risk being fired. If you have a child or a pet, you must be dedicated to placing their needs ahead of yours. Even owning a home necessitates attention to its care. Am I correct? Romantic relationships are no different. They necessitate a willingness to endure the highs and lows of the heart. However, the heart is not concerned with establishing or maintaining a marriage or commitment. It seeks only powerful and charismatic romance, ignoring everything else. This is why any meaningful connection needs commitment, which stems from the mind. You cannot compel someone to be committed when they are not. People "move on" to what they consider "greener pastures." Someone else seemed simpler and more thrilling, just like your first relationship did. However, each new connection looks to be just what you've been seeking for. It is simply because you are looking through "rose-colored glasses." You don't notice the flaws and difficulties that the following person will create. Then they look back with regret, wondering why they didn't try more to make it a success. Simply because, when it comes to romance, they have listened to their hearts rather than their heads.
My parents stayed together and were devoted, but their marriage lacked love. They remained together out of loyalty to their family and to convention. This taught me that while commitment brings security, it does not ensure that the heart is happy. My parents were both disillusioned with each other. Instead of finding emotional pleasure through hobbies or social engagement, they grew to despise each other because they felt uninspired and "tied down." They felt like their wings had been clipped. I realized that each individual is accountable for their own happiness. Do not give someone else the power to make you happy. Couples should have individual interests, aspirations, and creative outlets. So, dedication alone does not ensure a happy marriage. It is a combination of the two: the head and the heart produce a good marriage.
A mutually satisfying relationship is not easy to build, and by easy, I mean thoughtless. You do not build a house without a blueprint, do you? Yet couples enter the biggest commitment of their lives minus a blueprint. Wedding vows are not the same as a plan to build one's life upon. They are promises, but promises are not plans. How much better would it be if couples sat down and crafted a blueprint for their relationship? Do you think they might fare better through the hard times? Enter into long-term relationships having hammered out a blueprint first. Make goals, and craft agreements that both can commit to. Make relationship, and financial goals. Then both of you sign it, committing to the plan. When the feelings of romance fly away as they inevitably will, you have the blueprint to fall back on. You can point to the signed document and remind them, "That is not what we agreed to." You would be amazed how much more committed people will be once they have signed their name to something.
Unfortunately, despite the fact that I signed my name to our marriage twice, we had no agreements or a strategy. My tiny bird disappeared when the grass seemed greener elsewhere. Yes, he returned when he realized he loved me, but he flew away again when things became tough. And for those of you who do not want to stay if your partner becomes ill, please do not marry because everyone will ultimately become ill, grow old, and die. Be absolutely upfront and honest about your intentions and what you do not want. It will save everyone from heartache in the long run.
The most common issue I find among couples of all ages is a failure to express their true needs and desires. Because they do not ask for what they want, they will seek it from others. But if you never ask for what you need, is it your partner's responsibility if you don't get it? They can't read your mind, right? Maybe if you offered them the opportunity to meet your requirements, they would. It is unjust to take your wants elsewhere and violate your vows when you did not give your partner the chance to try!
I am not the queen of relationships; I have had a turbulent romantic life filled with mistakes. However, in retrospect, I realize that we were both lacking in communication skills. And this is where it all boils down: how clearly and effectively you can communicate. We are hesitant to communicate with those we care about for a variety of reasons, the most important of which are our desire to avoid disappointment and conflict. However, understand that conflict is unavoidable in an intimate relationship, and failing to communicate invites conflict. If you are willing, you may be able to resolve the problem. Suppressing your feelings, resentments, and regrets never helped anyone.
It is like sitting on a porcupine. You can only sit so long before it hurts too badly to sit anymore. Eventually the truth will come to the surface. So do communicate, but in such a way that you are not a bomb exploding. This was my issue. By the time I conveyed my sentiments it burst out like a firehose going off. You must find a method to share without overwhelming the other person. We could all be better communicators. Be willing to admit this and change your approach. When romantic plans go haywire, as they always do, or when love abandons you, remember that it was not entirely their fault, no matter what they did. You both missed the mark. And if romance should give you a second chance, use your head at least as much as your heart. True love is both a choice as well as an emotion.
With Love,
Frida
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