The Comparison Trap

The Comparison Trap by Nina Bingham

It is a senseless act to think I've suffered more than you. For what one person considers suffering, another would call a blessing. It is our selective perspective that determines our attitude about life; how we "hold" our life, whether we cherish it, or curse it. There is a distinct cross to bear in every life. A "thorn in the side," as Saint Paul deemed it. Every life has it's own share of pain and turmoil. It is futile to compare my problems to yours; we are different souls. Therefore, our challenges will be different. It is said, "What is one person's trash is another person's treasure." For example, one person can be single and hating it, while another person, recently divorced, is shouting, "Freedom at last!" What one person believes is a cross to bear can be another person's salvation. Ironic, isn't it?

Slippery Slope
Comparison is a slippery slope. The mind likes to compare; it is a simple heuristic (rule of thumb) that the brain uses to judge one thing from another. We start comparing early. By the time we are in kindergarten, we can judge between boys and girls. Between good behavior and bad (just look at the teacher's face), and that glue is good as an adhesive, but not so good to eat. We use comparison as a measurement between one thing and another. It helps us make choices. We utilize this common heuristic all the time without thinking about it. It is one of the brain's most useful reasoning tools. However, I mentioned that it can be a slippery slope, because there are times when it is better not to judge; yet our brains, which have been "wired" by the neurological pathways to compare, have difficulty not thinking this way. For example, take the issue of suffering. I may look at my circumstances, seeing clearly the cross I have to bear, and compare my circumstances with yours. I may conclude: they have an easier time of it than I do. And you may be doing the same. You may be envying my life, thinking that your cross is heavier. We slip into this deceptive game of comparison early in life, and unless we use our critical thinking skills, we can fall prey to taking the role of "done to." There are people who feel completely uninspired by life because comparison is taking all the wind out of their sails.


Keeping Up With The Joneses
Americans are the worst when it comes to gratitude. It's not that we intend to forget our blessings, but, travel to any developing country where the citizens live in poverty, and you'll be grateful upon returning to the U.S. We live in a country where life's necessities are met for the majority of Her citizens. Our nation is so developed that immigrants worldwide long to live here. The majority of Americans do not live with disease and starvation. Most of us have never gone hungry, and have never been homeless. And yet, we forget our affluence and complain. We complain because we compare. If the Joneses get a vacation, we deserve one, too. If they get a newer car, ours suddenly seems dingy. As a bumper sticker declared, "He who has the most toys wins." This is what Capitalism has come to. Yet, it is our affluence that makes us greedy, or is it that our brain likes to compare? I have known wealthy people who were generous, and I have known poor people who were greedy. I believe what makes a person generous or greedy, complaining or content, is one ingredient, and that is gratitude.

The Attitude of Gratitude
You've probably heard this analogy, but it bears repeating: "You can see the glass half empty, or the glass half full." Returning to our earlier example of the single person,  if you were able to see singleness as a blessing instead of a curse, you would be able to make the most of your singleness. You would celebrate your freedom. You would focus on the positives. You would feel grateful instead of griping about what you don't have. We can get so problem-focused, so problem-centered, that we stop seeing the positives about our lives. We loose our objectivity, our perspective, until that is, someone comes along whose circumstances remind us that maybe our glass is not as "empty" as we had made it out to be. Their problems put things into perspective and we feel, if only momentarily, a reprieve from our troubles. The critical difference between the satisfied and the dissatisfied is an attitude of gratitude. By simply "counting our blessings" we can turn a day around which got off to a bad start. I'm not suggesting slapping a phony smile on your face and chirping irritating aphorisms all day. I am saying that, "If you are having a bad day, simply decide to start over. Re-choose your day" (Matt Garrigan). We have the power to choose, at any point, to disengage from the stress and decide to start over attitudinally. When we choose to think positive instead of negative, the emotional field of our mind will become clean and clear, like the de-fogged window of a car, and we'll be able to enjoy the ride again.

Starving In A Country of Plenty
You wouldn't think that something so basic and necessary to reason as comparison could get us in so much trouble! However, a common theme heard by mentally ill clients is comparison. What Freud called the Superego, and what Dr. Fritz Perls called the Topdog are names which describe the critical, judging, complaining voice which also compares. Some people's lives are ruled by the wrong use of comparison. There are people who have harmed themselves or committed suicide because they compared themselves to others and felt they "came up short." Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa are eating disorders which are a direct result of the ill use of comparison. A young girl reasons, "I have to be thin to be liked," because American society has glamorized being thin. She begins a tireless comparison game which she can never win, because there is always someone thinner...unless she starves herself. The maladjusted use of comparison can lead to starvation and death. This is the ultimate in irony; starving in a country of plenty. And it all started by taking a lethal dose of comparison.

Don't Worry, Be Happy
Listen to the words of this popular reggae song by Bobbie McFerrin: "Everybody will have their troubles, if you worry, you make them double. Don't worry, be happy." If it was only that easy to stay focused on the positives! However, when you have what is known in Psychology as an "Internal Locus of Control," life seems quite manageable. What this term means is to be self-directed, and have self-efficacy, or to believe in your own abilities. It means following an "internal compass" and being self-determining. An Internal Locus of Control is opposite of having an External Locus of Control, which is being controlled by one's environment. An External Locus of Control is not proactive; it is reactive. It waits for something to happen, rather than making it happen. It is the dependent role, which waits for the circumstance, or another person, to determine it's fate. Individuals who have an Internal Locus of Control have liberated themselves and are self-propelled. They do not need a map because they are the map. It is scientific fact that individuals who have an Internal Locus of Control are much happier than those who do not: "Locus of control is a MAJOR part of our psychology which affects our lives and our happiness. People with an internal locus of control believe that they are in control of their lives. They accept full responsibility for what happens. They tend to understand the theory of cause and effect - every outcome is the result of a cause. They tend to blame other people or uncontrollable events less than externally focused people. This means that internally focused people are often achieve more and are generally happier. Simply because they feel in control of their own lives" (maximumlearning.co.uk). People who have an Internal Locus of Control see the glass as "half full." They prefer to take a positive, can-do attitude towards life because they are the architect of it. An architect may become discouraged during a project, but if she wants a structure built, she cannot "scrap" her plans because someone else's building seems better than hers. I am saying when we hold ourselves responsible for the outcome of our lives, we will persevere through the challenges to erect our own monument! When you are using an Internal Locus of Control, you will stop the senseless comparison game. You will be so interested and absorbed by your own goals and projects that you will hardly have time to notice what others are doing! You'll be so engrossed in your own growth that it will make little difference to you what the Joneses are doing this year for vacation. Every time you look to your environment to make decisions for you, a piece of your own powerfulness is eroded. I'm not saying to resist help offered, nor to make all decisions by yourself! What I am saying is that in the big decisions of life, nobody gets to choose but you. And, nobody can choose your attitude except for you: whether it be grateful and optimistic, or complaining. Whether it be to compare, or decide your going to use your own compass as your gold standard. Like the song reminds us, we can be happy when we DECIDE to be. The next time you're stuck in miserable, fruitless, frustrating comparison, reclaim your joy by re-focusing on who you uniquely are, and what you already have to work with.

So don't compare, be happy.