Everybody loses. Grief is the great equalizer. Each one knows what it is to cry, to experience longing, and to suffer loss. Nobody must explain sorrow and pain to us for we came into this world through a traumatic and bloody process. A baby's first reaction is to cry, not to laugh. It seems we are programmed from our first breath to expect difficulty. Yet, when we lose what our heart loved the most, whether it is another person or a pet, it always catches us by surprise. The Hindus have a saying taken from a sacred scripture: "All is ash." They smear ash on their foreheads to symbolize the ash each one of us becomes at death. It reminds them of a sacred truth: that they are not going to live forever, and neither will anybody else. Civilizations that seem invincible now will rise and fall as time marches on because absolutely nothing in this world lasts forever. It is important to remind yourself of your temporary status, for there are worlds beyond which cannot be accessed until you have proven yourself worthy in this one. Thus, it behooves each one to think daily of their fragility, and their responsibilities towards others. Yet, how many people sit and say to themselves, "All is ash?" while feeling gratitude for the life they have been given? This is what it is to be a spiritual being: to reflect on the truth of impermanence.
The Buddha's teachings assert that suffering is caused by clinging to that which will be taken away. It is alright to love another, but love is not the same as attachment. Attachment to things, people, and places happens when we cling. Buddha taught that it is our clinginess, our neediness that eventually causes pain. Why is it bad to cling? Because in our neediness we only think of one person's desires: our own. For example, if I need food, if I am starving, I am not as concerned about anyone else's welfare as I am about my own. My physical need for food will take center stage. In neediness, other's needs come secondary to my own. This is natural; it is the drive for self-preservation ensuring we stay alive. But when applied to love, the other's needs must also be considered, at least equally. If I do not consider your needs and wants as important, you will think me selfish and rude, and our relationship will deteriorate. This is because love gives. It is what love does. Love does not seek to take; it wants to give. When we cling, making our own needs paramount, we are effectively saying, "You must give to me." This is not love, but attachment.
Yet, attachment happens within every relationship. It must, or a bond would not form between two people. Attachment between a parent and child is necessary to form a strong bond. Attachment is a natural, normal, healthy part of being a human and relating successfully. Here is the dividing line between healthy attachment and unhealthy neediness: who comes first. If you put your beloved's needs ahead of your own, that is love. Jesus said as much: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). This is healthy attachment. Unhealthy neediness demands that your need be met. You may say, but what if the other person takes advantage of me? What if I put them first and they do not appreciate it, or worse, they abuse my kindness? I would say: you must expect that this will happen. We are talking about humans here, not perfect angels. People will take advantage of your kindness and generosity because they are imperfect beings. But their immature responses must not dictate your own. You keep being your sweet self, and one day they may wake up and see that you genuinely loved them when others did not. Now, being loving in disposition is not the same as being a doormat. If someone is abusing you in any way, you must not stand for that. Taking abuse is not being loving. It is being a martyr, and you are not here to be anyone's savior. That is not your job. Your task is to the healthiest, most loving version of yourself, but to distance yourself when you have been abused. You see, love is not attachment, and neither is love taking abuse. Love is giving out of a full heart. And it is important to daily remind yourself that you are no more than walking ash, for this perspective on your own mortality will put everything into right perspective.
It is not an easy feat to be a human. I would say it is the most difficult path that can be trod. The great adversity you face is mostly from your own self. Because you struggle with emotions that can overwhelm you and drives and desires for things which are not helpful to you. Nobody has hurt you more than you have hurt yourself. Just look at my life to see. I was a chain smoker, and though the dangers of cigarettes were yet to be disclosed to the public, my own body was telling me of its struggle to breath properly. However, I chose to ignore it. I preferred to rely on cigarettes to dispense with my nervous energy when I could have exercised instead. We get into addictive traps because we are trying to cope with the stress of living, and our own states of mind, especially anxiety and depression. Temporarily these crutches give us relief and momentary satisfaction. But in the long run they can become the nails of our coffin. We make poor choices because we are drowning in negative emotions, and bad habits give us the perceived ability to lift ourselves above our problems, and to breathe again.
The only solution, of course, is to make different choices; to substitute a bad habit like smoking with a better habit. You might make a fearless moral inventory and ask, "What bad habits have I gotten into?" and "What better habits can I substitute?" Try to remember that making changes is not going to be instantaneous. Your brain will crave and react the way it always has even after you've "made your mind up" to change. Change is a process of alternating failures and successes. I was terrible at making changes that I didn't want to make! Believe me, I am not coming at you on my moral high horse. I am only sharing what I have learned in hindsight. Being willing to improve yourself is a tremendously evolved attitude, and if you try, you are far, far ahead of most people.
Finally, what is the benefit of being morally superior? By that I only mean that you have an open mind to change. The benefit is first to yourself, for you will be improving your health, your state of mind, and how you spend your money. Perhaps as important is that you will be setting a good example for others. When youth saw a cigarette always in my hand that sent them the message, "It is perfectly acceptable to smoke because Frida does." Had they asked I would have warned, "Do not be like me. This is a terrible habit." People are watching what you do more than what you say, and you want your actions to say, "Be heathy, like me." The world is in the dark place that it is in because there are too many people doing whatever they fancy without thinking about the kind of message it is sending. Please remember: It is fine to make yourself happy, but how you make yourself happy has a ripple effect. Choose carefully.
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