Unimaginatively Beautiful Vulnerable YOU

"I wish people would know when they break down...that they are just unimaginatively beautiful."-S. C. Lourie (from "Butterflies and Pebbles").

This author is affirming something we all know is true: people are most beautiful when they are soft, when they are open, when they let their guards down, and when they speak truthfully from their hearts. Why then do we have such a difficult time with vulnerability, when we know how precious it is?

An odd thought crossed my mind (which is not odd at all, considering I have odd thoughts all the time). It said: what if for one whole day you risked being vulnerable with everyone you met-what would happen? Would I die from acute honesty and softness? Would they take advantage of me(who is "they" anyway)? I can't say exactly what would happen if for just a day I opened my heart wide to the whole world. I know what it feels like to completely open my heart to a lover, to my children, sometimes to select friends (when I've had enough wine), and I've even opened my heart to clients when they open their hearts to me in the privacy of the counseling office. But to be vulnerable to the whole wide world for a whole day?? Gulp.

Dr. Brene Brown is a research psychologist and professor who studies human connection. Dr. Brown was trying to figure out what key elements were important for one human to connect with another, and one word kept popping up with surprising regularity, a word she never expected to find: vulnerability (what I call the "V" word). In her book, "Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live," she concluded this:“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” What an extraordinary statement coming from a research scientist! As a scientist, she admits the “V” word scared her. But enough about Dr. Brown; let’s talk about you and me for a moment. We aren't any more comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable than Dr. Brown is. The general concept of being open, honest, and transparent might not seem so bad; we might even say that on our best days we are all those things. However, the following words describing vulnerability aren't as sweet and harmless: Exposed. In need of support. Susceptible. Succumbing. And my very least favorite, the Latin origin of the word vulnerable, which is vulnerabilis, meaning: “to wound.” Ewww. 

If I may, I’d like to offer my own humble opinion of what it means to be vulnerable: the willingness to risk being hurt. It is also the willingness to look foolish. The willingness to give without strings attached. The willingness to respond authentically. The willingness to not know. The willingness to be taught. The willingness to be led. The willingness to be receptive. The willingness to be judged. The willingness to stand up for whatever I believe in. The willingness to ask for help. And the queen mother of all vulnerable situations: the willingness to risk being hurt time and time again by the same person (not abused, however); what is commonly known as "commitment." Dr. Brown says without the quality of vulnerability  we have less of a chance of connecting with others. Hmm.

I’m getting more comfortable with the real meaning of it instead of the distant concept I used to be a fan of. I used to be of the opinion that a strong person couldn't be vulnerable. Now I’m of the opinion that a vulnerable person is the epitome of strength. How about that for a 180 turn-around? How did I come to the conclusion that vulnerability may be the most powerful force on earth? I hurt bad enough, that’s how! In 2013 when my teen daughter committed suicide, I had this concept of myself...actually, it was a wall. My wall was about a mile high, but I would have told you then it was my professionalism, my scientific objectivity, or my academic knowledge that gave me special permission to hold back all the things inside that were hurting, that were weak, that were imperfect, that were unacceptable and ugly (according to me they were). Looking back, I clearly see what I looked at in distaste and disgust was really my willingness to risk being hurt. My daughter’s tragic death brought that wall crashing down. 

I stood in the rubble that had become my life and I couldn't hide behind the wall of perfection anymore. Furthermore, once I was free of it, I didn't want to live behind it anymore. I was sick of hiding, tired of being too strong, and for the first time I could see over the wall…and what I saw amazed me. I saw a bunch of faces-faces just like mine. I saw myself in everyone. I either saw their feigned strength, or I saw their need. For the first time I was seeing life as it really was. Although my heart was trembling and my knees were quaking, I was ALIVE. I could acutely feel pain, but curiously, my heart had also expanded with enormous joy. What shattered the barrier was the fall I took. I fell a long way down. As I was falling, I simply surrendered. I let go of control because I realized the truth: I never really had any control over life-I just pretended I did. The next thing I knew I woke up on the concrete and I limped away, leaving the old me behind.

The new me walks with a limp, but I walked away a free woman. Most importantly, I embraced my humanity; exquisitely messy and mistake-riddled. Vulnerability is like the perfume inside the alabaster jar; it has to be broken to be released. You will either set if free, or life will simply drop you. In either case, your heart will be opened and you will see your true nature-unimaginably beautiful yet vulnerable you.    

To see all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0