The Cougar Phenominon: How To Know When Attraction To Older or Younger People Is Problematic by Nina Bingham

     Abstract

This article is a case study based on a sexually problematic client with a paraphilia of attraction to

older women. I will explore the phenomenon socioculturally, and clinically. My personal knowledge about

sexuality and ageism will be narrated. I will include ethical guidelines for counselors when treating such

sexual problems, and how to distinguish a sexual addiction (paraphilia) from a simple case of attraction to

older or younger people.

    Recently a handsome, virile, seductive young man (young enough to be my son) made an appointment to see me. He began the interview by disclosing that he had a sexual issue, but didn’t know if it was “abnormal” or not. As he told his story, he sat with his shoulders squared and chest out, as if he wanted me to take notice of his masculinity. His body language and eye contact made me nervous and I began to think, “He is not here to seek treatment-he is here to meet me.” He told me he had been attracted to older women since childhood, and would go to just about any length to have sexual experiences with them. He admitted with some pride that he has had a string of affairs with older married women, and found “girls” his age to be frivolous, promiscuous, and undesirable. Rosenfeld (1971) describes narcissistic individuals as people who idealize their bad selves. He notes that caring relationships are devalued, attacked, and destroyed with pleasure. Joseph (1989a, 1989b) sums up this type of perverse pleasure: “It is very hard for our patients to find it possible to abandon such terrible delights for the uncertain pleasures of real relationships” (p. 138). The client additionally disclosed he compulsively viewed and sought sex over the internet.

   

    Given that, “Young men show an interest in both older and younger women” (Kenrick et al., 1995), I did not automatically determine he was suffering from a Paraphilia, as sexual standards are contextual. We discussed and agreed that in many societies young men and older women aren’t considered taboo. Bhugra, Popelyuk, and McMullen (2010) found, “Cultures define and describe what is normal and what is deviant. These definitions of normality vary across cultures and are influenced by a number of factors, such as religion.” Hensley and Tewksbury (2003) concluded, “Even in more liberal cultural climates, a range of factors is relevant to social perceptions of what constitutes sexual deviancy. These include the degree of consent, the location of the sexual behavior, the age of those involved, the nature of the sexual act, whether any distress or harm occurs, the frequency of the type of sexual practice in society and the degree of distaste felt by others about the particular sexual behavior.” This sociological context was relevant considering he was a second-generation immigrant, and I was unfamiliar with his cultural norms: “Counselors communicate information in ways that are both developmentally and culturally appropriate” (ACA, A2c., 2012).

   I asked the client if he had aspirations for marriage and children. He said he did. I asked if he was hoping to find an older woman to start a family with? He looked stricken and replied, “No, they've already had their families. I’d want a younger woman for a wife.” I asked how important to him the desire to be married was, and he admitted it was very important. I pointed out that his behavior was prohibiting him from getting what he said he wanted: a marital partner. It was also depriving him of friendships with people his own age, which is why he felt isolated. I also brought to his attention that since he had been having affairs with married women, these liaisons could lead to “legal complications, and interfere with social relationships” (DSM, p. 568). When he considered this logic, he asked what he should do.

   I informed him this condition is described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-1V-TR) (DSM) as a Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, its formal name: Anililagnia-an attraction of a younger man to older women. 
I explained his behavior would be considered a paraphilia because it is sexual arousal only towards a certain age group. I explained further that Paraphilias are most often intense sexually arousing fantasies usually involving nonhuman objects. However, the DSM defines it further: “The preferred stimulus, even within a particular Paraphilia, may be highly specific. Individuals who do not have a consenting partner with whom their fantasies can be acted out may act out their fantasies with unwilling victims. There is often impairment in the capacity for reciprocal, affectionate sexual activity. Fantasies and behaviors associated with Paraphilias may begin in childhood” (DSM-1V-TR, p. 567-568). I explained Paraphilic habits are supported by the internet: “Heavy users (8%) reported significant problems typically associated with compulsive disorders. Problems were highly correlated with time spent on-line for sex” (Cooper et al., 1999). Although he continued to be subtly flirtatious with me throughout our appointment, beneath the “act” I saw a genuinely worried young man.

   

    I was raised with conservative Christian sexual values, which included abstinence from sex, and neither my single parent nor my youth group ever discussed sexual issues. It was as if discussion of them would be un-Christian. Age difference in dating was also a topic I never heard discussed. As an adult, I saw stories in the media about “cougars” (older women dating younger men), and my personal bias about it was that perhaps there was a developmental psychological problem with these people. Maybe the younger was searching for a parental figure, while the “cougar” was re-living her youth. I surmised there might be something psychologically a-miss. However, as I aged, I observed couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) who were disparate in years, but who seemed to have healthy, happy relationships. Once, a woman 20 years my junior asked to date me, and I turned her down flat, reminding her I had children her age! She called me an “ageist,” and told me I was missing a good thing. 

    

    When there is a large age difference between two sexual partners, a clinician should not judge the pair as dysfunctional based solely on this factor. To do so would be ageist. However, when a person has compulsive sexual thoughts and behaviors towards much older or much younger persons which jeopardize their safety (or target, and thereby victimize others), and which interferes with their ability to relate to people of their own age group, a paraphilia is present. Also, the DSM points out that a hallmark of paraphilic behavior is seeking out of nonconsenting individuals with the hope or intent of engaging in sexual activity. It was my distinct impression that this young man sought me out because I was an older woman, and he was hoping he would get a little more from me than advice!

    

    In the future, should I assess a client who has sexually compulsive behavior directed only outside of their age group, I will not assume it is abnormal simply because of the age difference; this would be ageist. Instead, I will further determine if there are other factors of paraphilia present such as: a chronic history of the behavior, seeking out nonconsenting individuals, avoidance of socialization with peers, and sexually compulsive behaviors which could lead to complications with the law or harm to self or others.

     

    The challenge of diagnostics in psychotherapy is to become adept at distinguishing normal from abnormal. In human sexuality, it seems a fine line between what may seem sexually permissible, and what is truly dysfunctional. Therefore, it is imperative to “bracket” our personal biases, so as to gain an unbiased understanding of the client’s cultural beliefs and life experiences. Conversely, we should not ignore when clients cannot distinguish consenting from non-consenting sexual partners, especially if the target of such advances is the therapist. In my view, this behavior is sexual objectivism, and must be brought out into the light so the client can be directed to seek clinical intervention.                                                          

   References:

American Counseling Association Governing Counsel. (2005). ACA Code of Ethics. Retrieved from: http://www.counseling.org/resources/codeofethics/TP/home/ct2.aspx

Cooper, A., Scherer, C.R., Boies, S.C., Gordon, B.L. (1999). Sexuality on the internet: From sexual exploration to pathological expression. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. Vol. 30 (2), pp. 154-164. US: American Psychological Association.

Kenrick, D. T., Keefe, R.C., Bryan, A., Barr, A., Brown, S. (1995). Age preferences and mate choice among homosexuals and heterosexuals: A case for modular psychological mechanisms. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 69(6), pp. 1166-1172. Publisher: US: American Psychological Association.

Bhugra, D., Popelyuck, D., McMullen, I. (2010). Paraphilias Across Cultures: Contexts and Controversies.

JOURNAL OF SEX RESEARCH, 47(2–3), 242–256, 2010. Copyright # The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

Hensley, C., Tewksbury, R. (2003). Sexual Deviance: A Reader. Lynne Rienner Publishing.

Rosenfeld (1971). Rosenfeld, H. (1971). A clinical approach to the psychoanalytic theory of the

life and death instincts: An investigation of the aggressive aspects of narcissism. International

Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 52, 169– 178.

Joseph, B. (1989a). Addiction to near death. New York: Routledge. (Original

work published 1982) .

Joseph, B. ( 1989b). A clinical contribution to the analysis of a perversion. In M.Feldman &

E.Spillius ( Eds.) , Psychic equilibrium and psychic change (pp. 51– 56). New York: Routledge.

(Original work published 1971).