The Cougar Phenominon: How To Know When Attraction To Older or Younger People Is Problematic by Nina Bingham

     Abstract

This article is a case study based on a sexually problematic client with a paraphilia of attraction to

older women. I will explore the phenomenon socioculturally, and clinically. My personal knowledge about

sexuality and ageism will be narrated. I will include ethical guidelines for counselors when treating such

sexual problems, and how to distinguish a sexual addiction (paraphilia) from a simple case of attraction to

older or younger people.

    Recently a handsome, virile, seductive young man (young enough to be my son) made an appointment to see me. He began the interview by disclosing that he had a sexual issue, but didn’t know if it was “abnormal” or not. As he told his story, he sat with his shoulders squared and chest out, as if he wanted me to take notice of his masculinity. His body language and eye contact made me nervous and I began to think, “He is not here to seek treatment-he is here to meet me.” He told me he had been attracted to older women since childhood, and would go to just about any length to have sexual experiences with them. He admitted with some pride that he has had a string of affairs with older married women, and found “girls” his age to be frivolous, promiscuous, and undesirable. Rosenfeld (1971) describes narcissistic individuals as people who idealize their bad selves. He notes that caring relationships are devalued, attacked, and destroyed with pleasure. Joseph (1989a, 1989b) sums up this type of perverse pleasure: “It is very hard for our patients to find it possible to abandon such terrible delights for the uncertain pleasures of real relationships” (p. 138). The client additionally disclosed he compulsively viewed and sought sex over the internet.

   

    Given that, “Young men show an interest in both older and younger women” (Kenrick et al., 1995), I did not automatically determine he was suffering from a Paraphilia, as sexual standards are contextual. We discussed and agreed that in many societies young men and older women aren’t considered taboo. Bhugra, Popelyuk, and McMullen (2010) found, “Cultures define and describe what is normal and what is deviant. These definitions of normality vary across cultures and are influenced by a number of factors, such as religion.” Hensley and Tewksbury (2003) concluded, “Even in more liberal cultural climates, a range of factors is relevant to social perceptions of what constitutes sexual deviancy. These include the degree of consent, the location of the sexual behavior, the age of those involved, the nature of the sexual act, whether any distress or harm occurs, the frequency of the type of sexual practice in society and the degree of distaste felt by others about the particular sexual behavior.” This sociological context was relevant considering he was a second-generation immigrant, and I was unfamiliar with his cultural norms: “Counselors communicate information in ways that are both developmentally and culturally appropriate” (ACA, A2c., 2012).

   I asked the client if he had aspirations for marriage and children. He said he did. I asked if he was hoping to find an older woman to start a family with? He looked stricken and replied, “No, they've already had their families. I’d want a younger woman for a wife.” I asked how important to him the desire to be married was, and he admitted it was very important. I pointed out that his behavior was prohibiting him from getting what he said he wanted: a marital partner. It was also depriving him of friendships with people his own age, which is why he felt isolated. I also brought to his attention that since he had been having affairs with married women, these liaisons could lead to “legal complications, and interfere with social relationships” (DSM, p. 568). When he considered this logic, he asked what he should do.

   I informed him this condition is described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-1V-TR) (DSM) as a Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, its formal name: Anililagnia-an attraction of a younger man to older women. 
I explained his behavior would be considered a paraphilia because it is sexual arousal only towards a certain age group. I explained further that Paraphilias are most often intense sexually arousing fantasies usually involving nonhuman objects. However, the DSM defines it further: “The preferred stimulus, even within a particular Paraphilia, may be highly specific. Individuals who do not have a consenting partner with whom their fantasies can be acted out may act out their fantasies with unwilling victims. There is often impairment in the capacity for reciprocal, affectionate sexual activity. Fantasies and behaviors associated with Paraphilias may begin in childhood” (DSM-1V-TR, p. 567-568). I explained Paraphilic habits are supported by the internet: “Heavy users (8%) reported significant problems typically associated with compulsive disorders. Problems were highly correlated with time spent on-line for sex” (Cooper et al., 1999). Although he continued to be subtly flirtatious with me throughout our appointment, beneath the “act” I saw a genuinely worried young man.

   

    I was raised with conservative Christian sexual values, which included abstinence from sex, and neither my single parent nor my youth group ever discussed sexual issues. It was as if discussion of them would be un-Christian. Age difference in dating was also a topic I never heard discussed. As an adult, I saw stories in the media about “cougars” (older women dating younger men), and my personal bias about it was that perhaps there was a developmental psychological problem with these people. Maybe the younger was searching for a parental figure, while the “cougar” was re-living her youth. I surmised there might be something psychologically a-miss. However, as I aged, I observed couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) who were disparate in years, but who seemed to have healthy, happy relationships. Once, a woman 20 years my junior asked to date me, and I turned her down flat, reminding her I had children her age! She called me an “ageist,” and told me I was missing a good thing. 

    

    When there is a large age difference between two sexual partners, a clinician should not judge the pair as dysfunctional based solely on this factor. To do so would be ageist. However, when a person has compulsive sexual thoughts and behaviors towards much older or much younger persons which jeopardize their safety (or target, and thereby victimize others), and which interferes with their ability to relate to people of their own age group, a paraphilia is present. Also, the DSM points out that a hallmark of paraphilic behavior is seeking out of nonconsenting individuals with the hope or intent of engaging in sexual activity. It was my distinct impression that this young man sought me out because I was an older woman, and he was hoping he would get a little more from me than advice!

    

    In the future, should I assess a client who has sexually compulsive behavior directed only outside of their age group, I will not assume it is abnormal simply because of the age difference; this would be ageist. Instead, I will further determine if there are other factors of paraphilia present such as: a chronic history of the behavior, seeking out nonconsenting individuals, avoidance of socialization with peers, and sexually compulsive behaviors which could lead to complications with the law or harm to self or others.

     

    The challenge of diagnostics in psychotherapy is to become adept at distinguishing normal from abnormal. In human sexuality, it seems a fine line between what may seem sexually permissible, and what is truly dysfunctional. Therefore, it is imperative to “bracket” our personal biases, so as to gain an unbiased understanding of the client’s cultural beliefs and life experiences. Conversely, we should not ignore when clients cannot distinguish consenting from non-consenting sexual partners, especially if the target of such advances is the therapist. In my view, this behavior is sexual objectivism, and must be brought out into the light so the client can be directed to seek clinical intervention.                                                          

   References:

American Counseling Association Governing Counsel. (2005). ACA Code of Ethics. Retrieved from: http://www.counseling.org/resources/codeofethics/TP/home/ct2.aspx

Cooper, A., Scherer, C.R., Boies, S.C., Gordon, B.L. (1999). Sexuality on the internet: From sexual exploration to pathological expression. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. Vol. 30 (2), pp. 154-164. US: American Psychological Association.

Kenrick, D. T., Keefe, R.C., Bryan, A., Barr, A., Brown, S. (1995). Age preferences and mate choice among homosexuals and heterosexuals: A case for modular psychological mechanisms. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 69(6), pp. 1166-1172. Publisher: US: American Psychological Association.

Bhugra, D., Popelyuck, D., McMullen, I. (2010). Paraphilias Across Cultures: Contexts and Controversies.

JOURNAL OF SEX RESEARCH, 47(2–3), 242–256, 2010. Copyright # The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

Hensley, C., Tewksbury, R. (2003). Sexual Deviance: A Reader. Lynne Rienner Publishing.

Rosenfeld (1971). Rosenfeld, H. (1971). A clinical approach to the psychoanalytic theory of the

life and death instincts: An investigation of the aggressive aspects of narcissism. International

Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 52, 169– 178.

Joseph, B. (1989a). Addiction to near death. New York: Routledge. (Original

work published 1982) .

Joseph, B. ( 1989b). A clinical contribution to the analysis of a perversion. In M.Feldman &

E.Spillius ( Eds.) , Psychic equilibrium and psychic change (pp. 51– 56). New York: Routledge.

(Original work published 1971).

Female Genital Mutilation-What 140 Million Women Have Endured and Why by Nina Bingham

History: Cultures who practice female genital mutilation prefer to call it female "circumcision." The question that springs to a Westerner's mind is: why would females need to be circumcised when their genitalia has no foreskin? "Despite the issuing by the Ministry of Health in 1959 of regulations which made the practice illegal, recent studies reveal it is still practiced in more than 67% of practicing rural communities and 42% of urban countries" (Salem, 1979; El-DeFrawi, Lofty, Megahed, & Sakr, 1996). Circumcision is a frequent, common practice in Egypt and Africa. In some towns circumcision rates reach up to 95%. In the country of Somalia, 40% of women reported sexual and medical complications due to female circumcision (Dirie & Lindmark, 1992). The World Health Organization (2008, 2010) reports that female genital mutilation (FGM) is practiced in 28 countries, and 140 MILLION girls and women have undergone the procedure.

The Procedure: FGM is carried out on infants to girls from a few days old to puberty, and occasionally on adult women. It is usually performed without anesthesia, with common knives, razors, or scissors (World Health Organization, 2010). "Most of the circumcised women (76%) underwent the procedure between the ages of 8-12 years old. In more than 58%, the circumcision was performed at home, and 50.5% experienced injury to the clitoris. More than half of the circumcised women (53.5%) recalled complications following the procedure. Significantly more of the circumcised women reported lack of sexual desire (83%) and being less orgasmic. Pain during intercourse was reported in significant numbers among circumcised women. Results showed that 80% who were circumcised complained more significantly that the uncircumcised women" (El-DeFrawi, Lofty, Dandash, Refaat, Eyada, 2001). Karim (1993) warned that circumcision may also lead to vaginal muscular spasms, insensitivity, and sexual phobia or fear of sex. Urologist Fourcroy (1998, 1999) writes that women in countries that practice FGM refer to it as "The three feminine sorrows": the first is the procedure itself, followed by the wedding night when a woman has to be cut open, then childbirth when she has to be cut again." One has to wonder how women who have been victims of this practice feel about it?

Old Customs Die Hard: One would assume that a circumcised woman who has reported it to be a harmful procedure would denounce the mutilation. Yet an astonishing 61.5% report having circumcised their daughters or intend to do so (El-DeFrawi, Lofty, Dandash, Refaat, Eyada, 2001). This leads to the question: Why would women who have been the victims of mutilation perpetuate the practice? In sociological terms, this culture-bound behavior is defined as, "Groupthink" (Aronson, Wilson, Akert, (2010): "A kind of thinking in which maintaining group cohesiveness and solidarity is more important than considering the facts in a realistic manner." It could be also be interpreted as "Normative Conformity" (Aronson, Wilson, Akert, (2010): "The tendency to go along with the group in order to fulfill the group's expectations and gain acceptance." To the Westerner's mind, this practice seems barbaric, dangerous, and an attack on female sexuality. One might even consider it hostile aggression against women: aggression aimed at inflicting pain. There are ancient, religious causes as to why women's sexual desire is literally "cut off" in these cultures. The World Health Organization (2012) explains: "FGM is often motivated by beliefs about what is considered proper sexual behavior, linking procedures to premarital virginity and marital fidelity. FGM is in many communities believed to reduce a woman's libido and therefore believed to help her resist "illicit" sexual acts. When a vaginal opening is covered or narrowed (type 3), the fear of the pain of opening it, and the fear that this will be found out, is expected to further discourage "illicit" sexual intercourse among women with this type of FGM. FGM is associated with cultural ideals of femininity and modesty, which include the notion that girls are “clean” and "beautiful" after removal of body parts that are considered "male" or "unclean". Though no religious scripts prescribe the practice, practitioners often believe the practice has religious support."  

A Counselor's Response: As a counselor in a clinical situation who works with culturally diverse families and individuals, should a client share that she has had a clitoridectomy, and further disclose that she lacks sexual desire or experiences sexual pain and psychological issues because of it, how would I proceed with this client?--I would ask what she knows about the impact of this practice on female sexual response.
I would educate her on the research findings of the impact of FGM. I would ask her to share what she experiences sexually and anatomically (or wants to experience sexually, and cannot). I would recommend that she seek the evaluation of a physician or reconstructive surgeon about how to anatomically correct the mutilation. I would let her know that due to the trauma and pain which this procedure causes, she may want to consider discussing the psychological and emotional trauma of it with me. I would reassure her that 140 MILLION women suffer from the effects of mutilation, that she is not alone.  

A Counselor's Editorial: In countries where birth control is not made available to women, FGM is seen as a way of discouraging women from premarital sex, and thus justifies the ritual. Mass-mutilation is occuring because governments do not make birth control available to women, and further do not educate their citizens about birth control. Though FGM is illegal, in some regions, up to 95% of women have fallen victim to it. It seems these governments turn their heads and look the other way while their women are subject to female emasculation and butchery. One has to wonder why the male penis isn't also mutilated in these countries? After all, doesn't it take "two to tango?"

Fear of Femininity: A leading male clinician in the field of academic career counseling recently termed this kind of male behavior towards women, "Fear of femininity." After pointing out the severe injustices still occurring in the workplace towards women in the U.S., Zunker (2012) stated, "Fear of femininity, for instance, may influence men to overcompensate by exaggerated aggressive behavior. A woman who has been sexually harassed in the workplace is an expression of these tendencies." Researchers Eagly, Karau, & Makhijani (1995) state, "Very often, bias against women is most prevalent when their competence is evaluated in traditional masculine roles." Traditionally, sexuality is seen culturally as a male characteristic. To Therefore, paternalistic-cultures apply violent surgery to female children before they have the chance to grow into women with sexual feelings. However, a man's genitals and sexuality are protected, and idealized as virile for these same sexual drives. The double-standard is clear, painfully clear.

References: Salem, A. A. (1979). The practice of circumcision in Egypt. WHO/Emro Technical publication 2, 108–109.

El-Defrawi, M. H., Lotfi, G., Megahed, H. E., & Sakr, A. A. (1996). Female circumcision in Ismailia: A descriptive study. Egyptian Journal of Psychiatry, 19, 137– 145.

Dirie, M. A., & Lindmark, G. (1992). The risk of medical complications after female circumcision. East African Medical Journal, 69, 479–482. World Health Organization. (2008). Eliminating female genital mutilation. P. 4, 22-28. Retrieved from: http://whqlibdoc.who.int/publications/2008/9789241596442_eng.pdf

World Health Organization. (2010). Female genital mutilation. Retrieved from: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/

El-DeFrawi, M.H., Lofty, G., Dandash, K.G., Refaat, A.H., Eyada, M. (2001). Female genital mutilation and its psychological impact. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27: 465-473,

Brunner-Routledge. Karim, M. (1993). Circumcisions and mutilations: Male and female. The Egyptian National Council of Population, Cairo.

Fourcroy, J.L. (1998). The three feminine sorrows." Hospital Practice, 33 (7): 15-6, 21.

Fourcroy, J.L. (1999). Female circumcision. American Family Physician, Aug. 1999.

Aronson, E., Wilson, T.D., Akert, R.M. (2010). Social Psychology. Seventh Edition. Prentice Hall.

What's Love Got To Do With It? The Biochemistry of Love and Attachment by Nina Bingham

Tina Turner sang, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" (1984); this song became Turner's most successful single (www.wikidpedia.com, 2012). The words are:

"You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract

It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that."

Turner was pointing out the "chemistry" of love in her song. Is sex, love and attachment purely biological and out of our control, or is it a uniquely human expression of our most passionate selves?

While we'd like to believe that humans completely and consciously choose who we love, science indicates otherwise. The etiology of attachment, love and sex are human behaviors which can be correlated to both neurobiology and sex hormones. Love and attachment is also an evolutionary development of the brain to perpetuate our species, and bond us to one another : "It is humbling to consider even the most sophisticated and noble of human behavior is rooted in mammalian biology," and that, "Human social bonds, although more complex, are also mediated by (evolutionary-induced) nuerocircuitry" (Stein, Vythilingum, 2009). Proponents of Evolutionary Psychology believe that mammals and birds have evolved three systems for survival of the species: (1) Mating (2) Reproduction (3) Parenting. Sternberg (1986) has argued that love also comprises three components: (1) Intimacy (2) Passion (3) Commitment. Sounds similar in pattern to animal mating strategies, does it not? So what are the psychobiological underpinnings of the behaviors of love and attachment?

Brain Imaging:

"Functional brain imaging studies indicate that maternal love, romantic love, and longer-term attachment are mediated by distinct but overlapping neurocircuitry. It is noteworthy that the neurocircuitry of love and attachment overlaps in part with that which mediates sexual arousal. The neurotransmitters Dopamine, seratonin and norepinephrine play key roles in the cognitive-affective phenomenon. Prosocial peptides, such as oxytocin and vasopressin, which are released during sex and lactation, may facilitate dopamine release in reward centers, and enhance memory, thus presumably strengthening the social bonds with particular individuals (Stein, Vythingum, 2009). Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that allows humans to experience pleasure. During pleasurable activities such as sex, eating and drinking, hormones are released in the brain, and the so-called neurological "Reward Pathway" is activated. Regions of the brain which control memory are also activated, to reinforce repeated pleasurable behavior (Hormones, Sex and the Brain, 2012). This is how addictive behaviors are formed and reinforced.

Sex Steroids:

There are three sex steroids that effect sexual behavior and partnering: testosterone, estrogen and progesterone. Although men and women share the three hormones, men have much higher levels of testosterone than women, and women have higher estrogen and progesterone levels than men (Hormones, Sex and the Brain, 2012). Higher levels of testosterone (T), considered the male sex hormone, seems to spell less marital bliss for U.S. males. "Booth and Dabbs (1993) found that men with higher T have a 43% increased incidence of divorce and were 31% more likely to have separated because of marital discord, relative to men with lower T. They also found that men high in T were 12% more likely to have hit their wives and 38% more likely to have engaged in extramarital sex; in general, these men had a lower quality of marital interaction." It seems women do actually prefer a more sensitive guy! In addition to sex steroids, there is one Peptide hormone in particular that plays an important role in attachment and bonding, and that is oxytocin.

Oxytocin:

In landmark studies by Bowlby (1969), it was found that infants can be classed as: securely attached to their caregivers, or insecurely attached. "Attachment security is characterized by the individual's confidence to rely on attachment figures to achieve care, safety, and protection, and, when alone, to have access to internalized attachment relationships" (Buchheim et al., 2008). In a recent landmark study, "When given doses of oxytocin, 69% of subjects who before had insecure attachment increased their rankings to "secure attachment" and decreased overall in insecure attachment responses. Moreover our results concur with recent findings from nueroimaging studies in healthy humans, demonstrating that looking at pictures of significant others showed marked overlap with regions that showed high densities of oxytocin receptors" (Bartel and Zeki, 2004). Peptide hormones play an important role in both human and animal bonding: "Animal research points to the peptide hormones oxytocin and vasopressin as being intimately tied to pair bonding" (van Anders, Grey, 2007). Behavioral scientists know that hormones influence human partnering. But what about the decidedly-human experience of falling in love?

Falling In Love:

"The experience of falling in love is associated with altered endocrinology. Hormones can influence how attractive both men and women are perceived to be..." (van Anders, Grey, 2007). And, "There is evidence that OT enhances the perception of faces in males, and increases gaze to the eye region of the human face" (Guastella, 2008). This substantiates the old adage, "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Really, attraction seems to be in the hormones of the beholder. "OT enhances bonding, while reducing the impact of socially aversive cues" (Heinrichs et al., 2004). Interestingly, "Oxytocin (OT) reduces social aggression and threat responses" (Lim, Young, 2006).


Conclusion:

The chemistry of love and attachment is both neurological and hormonal, with peptide hormones of oxytocin and vasopressin taking center stage, as well as the sex steroids of testosterone in men, and estrogen and progesterone in females. More than ever I'm wondering with Tina, "What's love, but a sweet old-fashioned notion?"

References:

Capella University. Hormones, Sex and the Brain Video. (2012). Retrieved from: http://media.capella.edu/CourseMedia/COUN5225/Hormones/wrapper.asp

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1, Basic Books, New York.

Bechheim, A., Heinrichs, M., George, C., Pokorny, D., Koaps, E., Hennigsen, P., O'Conner, M.F., Gunder, H. (2008). Oxytocin enhances the experience of attachment security. SciVerse, Psychoneuroendocrinology. Volume 34, Issue 9, pp. 1417-1422.

A. Bartel, S. Zeki, (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. Neuroimage, 21 (2004), pp. 1155–1166.

van Anders, S.M., Gray, P.B. (2007). Annual Review of Sex Research, Vol. 18, pp. 60-93, 34 p.

Guastella, A.J., Mitchell, P.B., Dadds, M.R. (2008). Oxytocin increases gaze to eye-region of the human face. Biological Psychiatry. 63: 3-5.

Heinrichs, M., Melnlschmdt, G., Wipplch, W., Ehlert, U., Hellhammer, D.H. (2004). Selective amnesic effects of oxytocin on human memory. Physiological Behaviorist. 83: 31-38.

Lim, M.M., Young, L. (2006). Neuropepticlergic regulation of affiliate behavior and social bonding in animals. Hormonal Behavior, 50: 506-517.

Wikipedia.com. (2012). What's love got to do with it )song). Retrieved from: http://en.wikipedia.org/
wiki/What%27s_Love_Got_to_Do_with_It_%28song%29

Stein, D.J., Vythilingum, B. (2009). Love and Attachment: The Psychobiology of Social Bonding. CNS Spectrums. 14 (5): 239-242.

Sternberg, R.J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review. 93: 119-135.

Capella university. (2012). Hormones, Sex and the Brain Video. Retrieved from: http://media.capella.edu/CourseMedia/COUN5225/Hormones/wrapper.asp

Life Lessons From A Kayak: Know When To Let Go

I paddled the Willamette River in Portland, Oregon, and decided to spend my time "boat chasing." A friend and I went to the deepest, choppiest waters where the huge ships cross, waiting for the wakes from these monsters. We rolled over the top of them like two tiny toothpicks, like we were on an aqua roller coaster, and laughed like children. We rode the wakes of tugs, speed boats and luxury cruisers, a paddle-wheel steamer, and a Titanic-sized cargo ship that weighted up to 100,000 tons.

As we enjoyed our lunch break on the sandy beach that sunny afternoon, two bald eagles swooped sharply into view, their talons locked and bodies twisted in combat. As they fought in flight they spiraled towards earth. Before either of them could plunge into the water below, they released their grips and flew off in separate directions. In a matter of seconds their conflict was resolved; neither of them wanted to hit the water. What surprised me was their complete willingness to "let go" when the struggle became life-threatening, as if instinctively they knew that releasing the struggle was better than dying because of it.

It wasn't until we were paddling back to shore at the end of the day, tired but amused at the fun we'd had, that we heard the blast of a horn, and looked to see the strangest and scariest military vessel cutting through the water towards us. I can honestly say I've never been frightened while kayaking, until this moment. The ship looked like a camouflaged tank, and was flanked with machine guns, soldiers, and 4 surface to air missiles! In that moment I thought, "We're dead!" My heart was hammering as my friend and I hugged the shore. They passed-dark, quiet and ominous as a Stealth Bomber on water, the soldiers waving and grinning at us like the friendly next-door-neighbors. I waved and smiled and gave them the thumbs-up sign, because inside I was thinking, "Oh God, please don't kill us." Obviously, the military vessel was a combat ship guarding the waterways. Seeing such fire-power up-close started me thinking about all the ways we humans have devised to defend ourselves, and how different it is from how nature handles it.

In the eagle's world, if nobody is going to win by hanging on in battle, they instinctively release their grip and go their separate ways. In contrast, we humans feel a need to win, a need to be "right," and sometimes, we would rather "go down with the ship" than to let it go. This "need to be right," is so strong in humans that Alfred Adler, a psychologist and contemporary of Sigmund Freud's termed it, "Superiority Complex." His theory says that because a part of us feels inferior (because we make mistakes), to compensate, we will strive to prove we are superior to others. This tendency can be seen clearly in competitive sports, where the goal is to "beat" the other team. Sporting events appeal to our need for superiority, the need to defeat the opposition. But back to the birds for a minute. Why don't they feel this need for superiority? Are they so egalitarian (or, eagle-aterian, in this case) that they only have minor scuffles?

In the eagle's world they will fight to the death with another bird...but interestingly,  not at the expense of hurting themselves. It seems they know when to "call it quits." This is because eagles have a strong self-preservation instinct that allows them to disengage from combat when their life is threatened. Compare that to human combat, and the desperate need to feel superior. To our own detriment we will refuse to back down from a fight, even when the consequences are dire. We build more powerful military fire-power as a way of intimidating our enemies into submission (hey, it worked on me!). A clear example of governmental "Superiority Complex" was our government's need to sent men to the moon so we could beat the Russian cosmonauts, and be the first to plant our American flag on the moon's surface. It seems mankind has a love-affair with being the biggest and the baddest.

The downside of all this muscle-flexing is that someone has to lose because of it. Anytime there is a winning team, there is also someone feeling like a loser. To bring this closer to home, anytime we insist on being right, we have just made someone else wrong. And, maybe they were wrong...but here's the thing that birds seem to know that we don't: once the battle is over, it's time to let go. Release it, and fly away. If we're going to be injured in the process, maybe we shouldn't insist on keeping the battle raging. To tell you the truth, I was more impressed with the bald eagles way of taking care of business than I was with the show of militarism. At least the eagles knew when enough was enough.  

Life Lessons From A Kayak: Know when to let go.



     

The 10 Unconscious Defense Mechanisms by Nina Bingham

Are your unconscious defense mechanisms sabotaging your relationships? Are unconscious belief systems running your life? Sigmund Freud’s defense mechanisms of the unconscious mind are still hard at work in each of us: shaping our cognition, behavior and beliefs, without our knowledge of them acting upon us. We can learn to become aware of them, thereby making us more successful in all areas of our lives: more self-aware, self-monitoring, and perceived by loved ones and coworkers as friendlier and more approachable. Being able to “decode” your own thoughts and emotions will enable you to diffuse misunderstandings before they begin, and open the way for happier, healthier, more successful inter-personal and professional relationships.

The Unconscious: Beneath the surface of our conscious thoughts and feelings lurks the mysterious world of the subconscious, like the deepest depths of the unseen ocean, waiting to be explored. Our conscious mind has been compared to the tip of an iceberg, while  beneath the surface of the water is the unconscious, where 80% of the iceberg is found. When we become aware of the unconscious’s purpose, which is to defend us, we see how the mechanism of the unconscious has a powerful, profound affect on our daily happiness and most powerfully, our relationships. Psychology knows much about the conscious thought processes of the brain, but are at a decided disadvantage when attempting to measure unconscious thought, for it is exactly that: not apparent, not evident, not voluntary, and therefore, immeasurable by science (unless the subject is unaware that he is being monitored). Unconscious thought is innate and uncontrollable. If this type of thinking and feeling is unnoticeable to us, like the  microcosm of life found only under a microscope, why concern ourselves with it? Because it is making 80% of our decisions. The unconscious mechanism of the brain is running on “automatic pilot.” Wouldn’t it be good for your conscious mind to get behind the wheel a little?

This article is designed to introduce you to the idea of increased self-awareness so you can respond, instead of react to life’s triggering events, or even life‘s little “hiccups.” By being able to identify Freud’s Defense Mechanisms in yourself, you will be more aware of when yours, and others defenses are popping up, and can learn defuse and escape unwanted thoughts and behaviors. Unconscious thoughts and feelings influence not only our reactions to others, but our choices, which can be life-altering. When we look back at portions of our personal history with regret or resentment, or when we have loved ones whom we have distanced ourselves from, we can be sure that we were at the mercy of our unconscious defense mechanism’s interference. Or, someone elses defense mechanisms stood between us getting what we really wanted, and what we actually got. Defense mechanisms can steal our joy, vitalness, productivity, and excitement about life, and can torpedo old, and especially new, vulnerable inter-personal relationships. However, once we have learned about them, we can transform the quality of our lives by waking up to “automatic” thinking, and get intelligent about creating the life and love we deserve. There’s a lot riding on your unconscious. Shall we take a look under the hood, so to speak? 

 Freud's 9 Mechanisms:

Mechanism #1: Denial. Denial and suppression are characterized by having a conscious awareness at some level, but simply denying the reality of the experience by pretending it is not there. Denial protects us by shielding us (even momentarily) from the pain of life. It is an insulator. It maintains our emotional equilibrium. It also allows us to be productive despite feelings of pain and even trauma, which is why this mechanism is listed first in this book. The most widely used defense mechanism. When we are in denial, we implicitly feel we are too weak to face the bad news, so we “run.” We distract ourselves with something else. When there are problems between couples, the person in denial may throw himself into his work instead of dealing with the problem in his relationship. Or typically loved ones of terminal patients will stay in denial, even after the loved one has passed on. Denial is the first step towards healing in the 4-step grieving process. Classic example: denial of codependents in dysfunctional relationships.

Mechanism #2: Rationalization. This defense simply involves making excuses to defend behavior. Classic example: late for work.

Mechanism # 3: Intellectualization. This defense is similar to rationalization, but instead of making an excuse for a problem, it turns the problem into a thought issue instead of an emotional one. The thoughts become prominent, but the emotions are suppressed. Classic example: Mr. Spock.

Mechanism #4-Displacement. The reassignment of aggression from someone who is not safe for us to target with our anger, to a scapegoat who we feel is safe to direct our anger towards. Classic examples: teens and parents, kick the dog when you’ve had a bad day at work.

Mechanism #5-Projection. Attributing your own unacceptable impulses to someone else. The impulses are still judged unacceptable but they belong to someone else, not you. Classic example: cheating partner will be suspicious of non-cheating partner.

Mechanism #6-Reaction Formation. Refusal to acknowledge unwanted traits, thoughts or feelings to the point of denying thoughts, ands convincing yourself you are not one of “them.” Classic example: homophobia.

Mechanism #7-Sublimation. Suppression of aggression so it has a more acceptable outlet. Classic example: contact sports: football, boxing, wrestling, and sex.
A “safety valve” for our frustrations and aggression.

Mechanism #8-Regression. A movement back in developmental time to when a person felt safe and secure. Often, that is childhood. Classic example: mid-life crisis.

Mechanism #9-Repression. The cornerstone of Freud’s personality theory. The unconscious total sublimation of pain due to abuse or trauma. Example: Amnesia.

Mechanism #10-Transferrance. Although Freud did not list this mechanism, it's a powerful one. Next to denial, second most common defense mechanism. We transfer or transpose old experiences onto our current situation. Example: In inter-personal relationships, we might unconsciously assign feelings and beliefs from the past onto our present relationships. Transference is when we react vehemently to someone because by physical resemblance or personality they remind us of someone else.

Conclusion: According to Freud, the ego has developed defense mechanisms to cover for the wild demands of the Id (which would rarely be socially acceptable). Evolutionary psychology agrees, by stating that men and women’s innate motivations are unconscious drives which perpetuate the species, and therefore influence behavior and choices. Defenses are not “bad,” they are necessary to protect us. However, if unaware of them, the unconscious begins to create our lives, instead of us consciously creating it.

Gay Stereotypes in America: Conscious and Unconscious Biases

This article will review how LGBTQ relationship stereotypes are reinforced in the straight community, while mainly being defied within the gay community. This paper will apply the sociological Two-Step Model of Cognitive Processing of Stereotypes to these issues. It will also review a landmark study of how implicit cognition influences, and at times controls our cognition, perpetuating stereotyping. Some of the questions I will answer are: how do straight relationships compare with gay relationships? How does the “straight world” view the “gay world’s” lifestyle? Do traditional gender roles as enforced by heterosexual marriages apply to same-sex relationships? How does the sociological Two-Step Model of Cognitive Processing of Stereotypes apply to communication between heterosexual and homosexual people? What part does implicit cognition play in allowing stereotypes to be perpetuated? I will explore these issues in a cursory and introductory manner.

What are the American heterosexual cultural beliefs about gay relationships?

“There is the belief held by some people that homosexuality is itself a pathology (Trent Lott, et. al). 

Homosexuality is not a pathology. Opinions of professional psychiatric/psychological and medical societies affirm the mental health of homosexuals. 

Second, empirical data affirms the (positive) mental/relational health of gay persons in relationships (as shown from 26 separate studies). 

Third, (statistical) evidence refutes the propaganda that most gays engage in highly promiscuous sexual activity and are therefore more likely to sexually assault children. Finally, scientific evidence supports the mental health of homosexuals from 70 separate studies conducted since 1957” (Townsley, 2007). It appears that a preponderance of health professionals and organizations concur that homosexuality is not a disease, abnormality, or psychological disorder.

What about the average heterosexual American; what does he believe about homosexual relationships?

“In 1965, 82% of men and 58% of women said that homosexuality represented a
"clear threat" to the American way of life” (Pflag, 1994). Compare that to more recent
public opinion: In a 1993 U.S. News and World Report poll of 1,000 registered voters,
53% said they knew someone who is gay of these, 73% supported equal rights for
gays. 46% said they do not know someone who is gay or lesbian; 

of these, 55% supported equal rights“(Pflag, 1994). Obviously, public opinion has shifted towards a homosexual acceptance, or at the very least, increased tolerance.

Adding to the hetero/homosexual divide is that gay relationships have been stereotyped, leading to increased awareness of differences between hetero, and homosexual couples. “A common assumption is that one same-sex partner assumes a pseudo-male gender role and the other assumes a pseudo-female role. For a gay male relationship, this might lead to the assumption that the "wife" handled domestic chores, was the receptive sexual partner in anal sex, adopted effeminate mannerisms, and perhaps even dressed in women's clothing. This assumption is flawed, as many homosexual couples tend to have more equal roles, and the effeminate behavior of some gay men is usually not adopted consciously and is often more subtle. Feminine or masculine behaviors in some homosexual people might be a product of the socialization process, adopted unconsciously due to stronger identification with the opposite sex during (neo-natal) development. The role of both this process and the role of biology is debated. The existence of these separate identities (dominant masculine vs. more passive feminine), where present, can establish the dynamics of the relationship, according to the heterosexual patterns” (Wikipedia, 2010). It seems there are substantially different inter-personal relationship dynamics between heterosexual and homosexual couples.

If the straight and gay world of relationships is so different, how do the two groups interact and communicate?

In applying the Two-Step Model of Cognitive Processing of Stereotypes (Aronson, Wilson & Akert, 2010) to these two groups, we find a clear example of unconscious stereotyping of the “other group” happening in both hetero, and homosexuals. This sociological model of cognitive processing is a simple way to understand the cognitive processing we all do, regardless of our sexual identification. Straight or gay, it appears that all humans process unconscious, and conscious information similarly. In this cognitive processing model, Step 1 consists of “Automatic Processing”: Occurring automatically and spontaneously, automatic thoughts of stereotypes occur without our conscious awareness (unconsciously) when we encounter group members of a frequently stereotyped group. Step 2 consists of “Controlled Processing”: Occurring when we consciously disregard or ignore stereotyped information that has been triggered by the stimulus (of the stereotyped group member). This is a key and critical concept in understanding the effect that cultural influence has upon human cognition: as a member of American culture, with its unique national history, I am also susceptible to its stereotypes and associated biases. Whether I believe the stereotypes form biases which our mass media has publicized, or I don’t, I am still vulnerable to the unconscious belief about stereotyped peoples. I am exposed to stereotypical thinking, and therefore I am subject to “Automatic Thoughts” about it.
When we do not pay attention to our automatic thoughts, “the information supplied by the automatic process-the stereotype-is still in your mind and unrefuted (Aronson, Wilson & Akert, p. 403). What principles of implicit cognition are at work, shaping our unconscious thoughts without our conscious knowledge?

A landmark study on implicit cognition was introduced to me years ago through a general psychology college course. This famous study is known as, “Project Implicit” (www.projectimplicit.com). “When individuals (participating in the test) were asked to report how much they prefer Black people to White people, they might report egalitarian feelings, reporting no preference for any social group. However, psychological research has shown that sometimes individuals automatic evaluations do not reflect these specific endorsements. In fact, some individuals have preferences they might not publicly endorse, or even be consciously aware they hold. For example, an analysis of more than 900,000 completed Implicit Association Tests at the Project Implicit Website suggest that 70% of test takers associated (unconsciously) White people with the concept “good,” and Black people with the concept of “bad.” A popular question is whether these (implicit) associations can be changed, and how?” (www.projectimplicit.com).

I was a participant in this online study, and my results were neutral; I neither implicitly favored Whites as being good, nor stereotyped Blacks as being bad. A classmate at the time who is Black took the test also, and I was shocked when she confidentially shared with me that her results indicated that although she was a Black woman, she unconsciously thought of Whites as being better than Blacks. It was in that moment that I realized the amazing power unconscious stereotypes have upon us all.

What then can be done to change our implicit beliefs, so they reflect the truth about humanity; that all people are born innately equal, as our U.S. Declaration of Independence affirms? 

Were these words simply empty platitudes: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness?” (Congress, July 4, 1776). The Two-Step Model of Processing Stereotypes suggests we become more aware of the implicit, automatic thoughts we are having, and “restructure” them, or interpret them consciously,“adjusting” them so we are not perpetuating stereotypes in our reactions to members of an already stereotyped group. This cognitive restructuring process may be a little harder than it sounds, however, as this asking us to stop and analyze subtle thoughts and feelings of stereotypes which are unpleasant and politically incorrect of us to acknowledge in ourselves. Most of us consider ourselves unprejudiced, open-minded, or at the least reasonably fair-minded people. We don’t want to see what we truly are, which is vulnerable and susceptible to unconscious thought processes which perpetuate cruel stereotypes. So asking us to monitor and change old thought patters in a bit like a friend telling us we have bad breath; we appreciate them telling us, but it’s still embarrassing to admit. All of us, even members of stereotyped groups, fall prey to believing implicit stereotypes, and thereby unconsciously perpetuate bias. The most we can do to change this trend is to become aware of, and acknowledge these societal and cultural biases, and to strive to be fair and impartial in all of our dealings with people, keeping in mind that unconscious bias always has a finger-hold upon our cognitive processes. Perhaps then we can, as individuals, level the playing field for all people, as The Declaration of Independence declared we should.

References:

Townsley, J. (2007). Homosexuality is not a pathology. Retrieved on the World
Wide Web on March 2, 2010 from://www.jeramyt.org/gay/gay health.html


Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (Pflag) Upstate South
Carolina 2004). Statistics. The New Press, NY, NY. Retrieved on the World Wide Web on March 3, 2010
from://www.pflagupstatesc.org/statistics.html

Gay Into Straight America. (2004). Gottman’s research on gay and lesbian couples. Retrieved on the World Wide Web on March 8, 2010 from://www.gayintostraightamerica.com/572.html


Wikipedia. (2010). Gender roles. Retrieved on the World Wide Web on March 8, 2010 from://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_role


Aronson, E., Wilson, T.D., & Akert, R.M. (2010). Social Psychology. Seventh Edition, Pearson Prentice Hall.


Project Implicit. (2009). The surprisingly limited malleability of implicit racial evaluations. Retrieved on the World Wide Web on March 8, 2010 from://project implicit.wordpress.com/category/implicit-social-cognition/

United States of America Congress. (1776). The Declaration of Independence. US Constitution Online. Retrieved on the World Wide Web on March 9, 2010 from://USConstitution.net

Gestalt Therapy and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy: Integrating Existential and Cognitive Psychotherapies by Nina Bingham

Abstract:

This article is a theoretical analysis of Gestalt Therapy and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). It is a glimpse into the origin, philosophy, interventions, limitations and ethical considerations of the two psychotherapeutic theories. I will also comment briefly on why Gestalt and REBT appeals to me, given the professional counseling environment I work in.

    Of all psychotherapeutic theories I have studied, two appeal to me above the rest: Gestalt Therapy, and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). Gestalt Therapy is Existential and phenomenological in philosophy, while REBT is considered a Cognitive Therapy. I find that while Gestalt Therapy investigates the broader meaning and purpose of the client’s life and analyzes how the client maintains or loses contact with the therapist, REBT is specifically oriented to examine the automatic thought process, and to identify and reframe cognitive distortions. Employed together, these two therapies can work complimentarily, as Gestalt is a method of promoting self-actualization, while REBT is a practical means of changing self-defeating thought patterns. Next, I will discuss the basic assumptions of Gestalt Therapy, offer examples of commonly used Gestalt techniques which I employ regularly in private practice, and explain how they agree with my counseling philosophy and values.

   
     An adept Gestaltist is a like a client mirror; the client should be able to look and see herself more clearly. During the course of therapy, a Gestalt Therapist will test the client’s contact boundary, and discuss the subject of polarities, asking the client to consider: are his boundaries rigid or loose? Is he isolated or confluent? Does the client polarize issues by catastrophizing, or its opposite: avoiding, denying or ignoring problems? Gestaltists will regularly utilize experiments or Gestalt techniques during therapy, the most renown of these being the “Empty Chair Technique,” where two polarized opinions of the clients are each role played by the client in succession. An example fresh in my mind is a counseling session this week, in which a new divorcee whose husband left her for another woman had never expressed to her ex-husband how his sudden departure and new relationship had left her feeling. She was not able to verbalize even to me how this had impacted her, until I suggested she imagine her ex-husband sitting in the empty chair across from her. This direction gave her focus and courage, and through streaming tears, she was finally able to verbalize how confused, lost, alone, helpless and “in the way” he had made her feel. Due to her ex-husband’s marginalization of her feelings (and his actions), she was able to see the correlation between her current feelings of not being important to others in her life. Gestaltists will also carefully monitor the client for indirect body language which is unconscious expressions of emotion. They may direct the client to exaggerate or repeat body language to give the symbolic gesture a “voice.” During the above interview, I pointed out that the client repeatedly closed her sweater tightly around her neck when discussing how vulnerable her ex-husband’s choices had left her feeling. She admitted, “And I’ve closed up to everybody else in the process.”

    
    From a cultural perspective, Gestalt Therapy may not be the therapy of choice for individuals from collectivist societies who are more private and reflective in nature. Gestalt encourages free outward expression of thoughts and feelings; the client is encouraged to share fears, anger and insecurities. Members of collectivist cultures which might not be accustomed to expressing anger or fear openly could be misjudged by a Gestalt therapist as withholding or resistive, and thus develop a bias against working with individuals from collectivist cultures, unless the counselor is culturally sensitive. If the counselor understands the client’s perspective, she can adapt the therapeutic approach to the client, rather than demanding the client adapt to the approach.

   
    I believe my personality style and philosophy aligns most closely with Gestalt Therapy as I am by life philosophy an Existentialist, and believe in the Phenomenological approach to therapy, so Gestalt is an easy fit within that philosophical framework. I enjoy the Gestalt approach because it is therapist-directed, meaning that the therapist is free to introduce various experiments and techniques during the session, if it will enhance the dialogue. Yet, it is grounded in a dialogical approach, wherein the Gestalt therapist invites the client into conversation for the purpose of establishing contact with the client: to see where the client’s contact boundaries are, and understand more completely when the client retreats, and what she responds to. To practice Gestalt effectively, the therapist must be confident and not tentative in her use of techniques and interventions, yet simultaneously use her therapeutic knowledge, skill and intuition in knowing when to introduce interventions into the dialogue, and when to refrain. In Gestalt Therapy, highly therapist-directed, the therapist acts as the "producer" of a stage show, while the actor is like the client. "Acting out conflicts in the present through exaggeration and role reversals...the Gestalt approach is confrontational" (Okun, Kantrowitz, p. 132). By experiments, techniques, and relational dialogics, the therapist works to raise the level of awareness of the ways in which the client is preventing therapeutic contact, feeling of emotions, free expression, and even free bodily movement. "Thus, Gestalt Therapy is experiential (or emphasizes doing and acting out, not just talking), existential (it helps people to make independent choices and be responsible), and experimental (it encourages trying out new expressions of feelings)" (Okun, Kantrowitz, p. 131). Gestalt therapists stay firmly grounded in the present, so when the client "jumps outside" of the therapeutic encounter to reminisce or to make catastrophic the future, the therapist considers this an avoidance of the present, or an escape mechanism. If the client is not aware of what he is avoiding, the therapist will bring it to his attention. By assisting the client in coming into conscious contact with his resistances or with what he avoids, the therapist hopes the client will free himself of various defensive coping mechanisms he has adopted, such as: retroflection, projection, introjection, denial, etc. Gestalt Therapists read both the verbal and non-verbal communications of the client. The second goal of Gestalt (next to self-awareness) is that of maturity. Dr. Fritz Perls said, "Maturity is when the client is able to transform from environmental support to self-support" (Perls, Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, p. 33). Rather than manipulate others to indirectly get what she wants, the successful client learns to make a direct request for what she wants, and to support herself rather than depending upon her environment for support. Also, any unfinished business from the past will cause a retrospective character, so Gestalt Therapists encourage clients to express regrets or resentments from the past, in an effort to "put to rest" old hurts which may be interfering with the clients present functioning. For me, Gestalt Therapy is the right blend of creativity and freedom of methodology. It also affords the opportunity of coaching clients in self-actualization due to its existential focus.

    
    Next I will describe the basic assumptions of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), and explain why I employ it as an adjunct to Gestalt Therapy. I see great value in Cognitive Therapy for anxiety and depressive disorders. I believe REBT can enable clients who struggle with negative, or fear thoughts, a more structured way to become aware of, question and replace thought patterns that aren't serving them. REBT is a highly structured "thought program" which challenges the client to dispute automatic thoughts, and to replace them with thoughts based in reality. REBT is a strictly cognitive therapy, which means its application is limited to cognitive problems such as occur in anxiety disorders such as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). However, that same narrowness of application makes it powerful as applied to disorders of thought, in that it teaches a systemized method of thought-disputation, reframing of cognitive distortions, and substitution with positive, realistic thought. Without a cognitive-specific intervention like REBT, clients struggling in the grip of anxiety disorders may not find their way out of the maze of distorted thought without such a specific and methodological therapy. Although Gestalt is a fantastic application for the larger issues of existence such as life purpose, meaning and self-actualization, REBT is a relatively simple method to teach the client how to correct cognitive errors. Recently I worked with a client who has been diagnosed with OCD, and I taught him the ABC’s of REBT. Because of the acronyms, he could easily remember the method’s steps, and was reciting it to me before the end of our first appointment. Due to his OCD and Clinical Depression symptoms, this client’s self-esteem had “taken a beating.” There was such relief and excitement in his face when he grasped that there is a cognitive “system,” a “road-map” that he could follow which could help him out of the tangle of his negative thoughts. Used in combination, these two therapies of choice can meet the existential and cognitive needs of clients.

    
    I do not see any cultural barriers in using REBT, except that the practitioner must be aware of the sociological context of the client’s thinking process. For example, in the Latino culture it would not be uncommon for a Latina to struggle with being a highly educated, high-salaried woman if she were seeking a Latino partner. In traditional Latino culture, men are honored as the “bread winners,” and take pride in providing for their families. For a career-oriented woman who is Latina, this could spell difficulties where dating Latinos are concerned. Keeping the client’s cultural specifics clearly in mind while working with their cognitive processes will help to avoid therapist-client misunderstanding.

   
     In the time I have practiced I have come to see one thing very clearly, and it is that the most dynamic force in therapy is not a set of techniques, a theory or even a philosophy of practice. It is, as Buber states: “In the beginning is relation” (Buber, 1958, p. 18). “The I-Thou experience is one of being fully present as one can to another with little self-centered purpose or goal in mind. It is an experience of appreciating the “otherness,” the uniqueness, and the wholeness of another, while at the same time this is reciprocated by the other person. It is a mutual experience” (Hycner, Jacobs, 1995, p. 8). However, I’ve also found that a set of time-tested techniques is helpful in the process of therapy, and having a clear philosophy of practice allows the therapist to structure the session cohesively. Relational Gestalt is a fascinating blend of dialogics and technique, and is well suited to my extroverted personality. I may not have the daring flair of Dr. Perls, but I do enjoy seeing what comes of a spontaneously created experiment, and the results of a technique like the “Empty Chair.” My personality is direct enough to confidently lead clients through an intervention, even if I may not know exactly what the outcome will be. Sometimes I’m unsure about where we will land…but I am working into being comfortable with the uncertainty which is Relational Gestalt Therapy. I’m no longer bound to a set of techniques, because I’m making it a priority to build a relationship with the client before me. I’m learning that the most powerful ingredient in the therapeutic relationship is what we create together, the therapeutic bond. The German world Gestalt is translated to mean, “An integrated whole.” With the emphasis being placed on relationship rather than techniques, I feel Relational Gestalt Therapy is becoming more of an integrated whole than ever before.

    
    Being that top values of mine include autonomy and altruism, flexibility, spontaneity and adventure, being a mental healthcare entrepreneur in private practice appeals to me the most. In order to have a consistently full patient schedule, practicality demands that I become licensed to work within the managed healthcare system, and attract clients who have health insurance. Although accepting health insurance clients will be a welcome source of consistent business, I also realize I will have to limit and tailor my treatment plans and methodology to fit within the Cognitive-Behavioral treatment models which managed care utilizes. I suspect that on the one hand although I will be earning a wage I can be satisfied with, I will trade away a certain amount of creativity and decision-making prowess. While I believe I will adjust to the increased paperwork demands and structure of the managed care system, I hope I don’t lose my sense of curiosity and playfulness which Gestalt Therapy has afforded me. It is my nature to be a human relations scientist; to analyze and report on the difficulties, oddities, sorrows and triumphs of the human condition. I don’t imagine any system of business will be able to so thoroughly bore me that I would ever abandon this profession, which by now has become more like a calling.       

                                                   

Refernces:

Okun, B.F., Kantrowitz, R.E. (2008). Effective Helping: Interviewing and Counseling Techniques. Seventh Edition. BROOKS/COLE CENGAGE Learning.

Perls, Frederick, S. (1947). Ego, Hunger and Aggression: The Beginning of Gestalt Therapy. Vintage Books, a Division of Random House, New York.

Perls, Frederick, S., Hefferline, Ralph., Goodman, Paul. (1951). Gestalt Therapy: Excitement and Growth in the Human Personality. The Gestalt Journal Press, Inc. 

Perls, Frederick, S. (1969). Gestalt Therapy Verbatim. Real People Press, Lafayette, California.

Hycner, Richard, Lynne, Jacobs. (1995). The Healing Relationship in Gestalt Therapy: A Dialogic/Self Psychology Approach. Gestalt Journal Press, Inc., Gouldsboro, ME.

Buber, Martin. (1958). I and thou. New York: Charles Scribner and Sons.

Do’s and Don’ts of Conducting A Successful Interview by Nina Bingham

When interviewing a potential renter or employee, the questions you ask are the deciding factor in whether the interview sizzles, is mediocre, or falls flat. To put your best foot forward (and keep it out of your mouth), open the door of communication by utilizing successful questions, and avoiding common interview faux-pas.    

     

  Breaking the ice:

What to do: Rapport Build. Polite, informal communication is the first step when meeting someone new. Mentioning your mutual referral source, complimenting them on their promptness, asking them a question about themselves, or even commenting about the weather shows your interest in their thoughts and opinions.

What not to do: Don’t Be A Bore. Refrain from telling long stories, asking personal questions or making political or religious comments at this early stage. Take your cues from your guest. If they seem disinterested or you realize you are doing most of the talking, it’s time to move to the next phase of the interview process.

 Getting down to business:

What to do: Qualification Questions. You’ve built rapport, and it’s time to get down to business. You want to discover what makes them qualified to rent/work with you? The objective of this phase of the interview is to ask open-ended questions, which are questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”. Open-ended questions allow them to elaborate.

Universally successful open-ended questions such as:

1.      What interested you about my rental/this position?

2.      What about living here/working here appeals to you the most?

3.      What about living here/working here might be a drawback for you?

4.      What are your best qualities as a renter/employee?

What not to do: Don’t Get So Close To Me. Don’t ask or comment on their age, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or any physical characteristic. If they want to disclose personal information, they may at a later time, but an interview is the wrong setting for personal questions. Also, asking them during an interview may even be unlawful.

 Rental History/Employment History:

What to do: Where Have You Been All My Life? Just as important as an applicant’s current motive for renting is their rental history. It tells you what you can expect.

Universally successful questions are: 
 What do you do for a living/tell me about your last position?

          Why are you moving/why did you leave your last job?

Review the rental application with them. A quick (few minutes) scan of the application gives them the opportunity to comment and you’ll learn more than by reading the application after they’ve gone.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive.

What to do: 

Inquire About Gaps in Rental/Employment History. This may help you understand any illnesses or unemployment they may have experienced.

Ask For Rental References. Ask that the applicant include one or two recent rental references. If these cannot be verified, ask for two personal references.

What not to do:  

Don’t Be Overly Trusting. If no references can be verified, move on to the next applicant. If nobody can give a positive reference, there’s a good chance they have a poor rental/employment record.

Also, if they can’t pay a modest security deposit (such as last month’s rent), be aware that if they vacate without a month’s notice, you’ll be left with an unexpected deficit in income, and may be scrambling to find another renter.

    

It’s A Number’s Game.

What to do: State The Monthly Rent and Lease Duration. Ask: Does the monthly rent amount and lease duration work for you?

State The Deposits. Ask: Will you be able to pay the deposit (s)? If you can, be flexible about accepting the deposit in several payments, but be clear about when the deposit payment (s) will be due.

Provide a Rental Contract. It should specify: monthly rent, lease term, deposits (with payment dates), provisions for pets, and how many people will be occupying the rental. An oral agreement cannot be verified in court, while a written agreement or lease can. Protect yourself by providing a written contract. Rental contracts templates can be found on the internet for free.

 

 I’m An Open Book.

What to do: Be A Good Host. Show your prospective renter your home is clean and safe:

1.      Give them a tour of each room in the house/office (unless occupied), and the grounds.

2.      Inform them where the nearest public transportation stop is, nearby shopping, restaurants and parks.

3.      If you have a pet, introduce them if you can, giving pertinent information such as: age of pet, breed, and what the renter can expect behaviorally from your pet (is he a “lapdog,” or shy with newcomers?). Is there anything the renter should know about your pet?

      

Finally, ask if they have any other questions you haven’t answered?

      
Closing Time.

What to do: Shake their hand and/or smile and thank them for their time.

What not to do: If the applicant asks to hug you that is fine, but don’t initiate a hug. Realize that although you may be feeling “warm and fuzzy,” hugging strangers is uncomfortable for some people.

A thorough interview can be accomplished in an hour or less. If it is much longer than that, you may mistakenly be communicating that you’re looking for a friend, and your applicant is there to apply for a rental, not a friendship. Over time, if a friendship develops, that is an added bonus. Remember the purpose of the interview: to meet, review qualifications and rental history, and review financial arrangements. Close the interview by giving the applicant a date you will be notifying them of your decision (usually 1 week or less). Ask if you can call them if you have any other questions, and encourage them to contact you if they think of any.

It’s ganna' make you look good, I guarantee it. Being well-prepared in advance of conducting an interview will show the applicant that you are serious about finding the right renter, and will impress them that you are an intelligent and orderly person. It communicates, “I care” about yourself, your environment, and most importantly, your future renter/employee.