Problems Are Like Onions by Nina Bingham

Problems Are Like Onions
I was considering how problems are a lot like the ordinary onion. Not an eloquent comparison, but true, nonetheless. What I mean is: like an onion, problems have layers. Like people have layers. Problems are systemic; they are not usually as simple as they look on the outside. When they appear simple, it's because you have ignored the next layer. You've only peeled away one "skin" of the problem. I see this in counseling with many new clients. A well-intentioned person comes to therapy meaning to solve a simple enough looking problem, such as smoking. As their life's story comes unraveled on the counseling room floor, with each successive layer of onion peeled back, and the next one, closer to the heart of the matter, exposed, what is left in the center is a core belief about themselves. These I refer to as "unconscious beliefs."

"I thought this was going to be easy," they lament, as we stare together at the nasty unconscious belief left on the floor. I know we've gotten to the heart of the onion (the problem) when they also stare in shocked disbelief at the core belief about themselves. A core belief I see a lot, which are always untrue, is: "I'm not good enough," or some other diatribe accusation still clinging to the soul from childhood. Some clients will look upon the uncovered core belief and exclaim, "It's true! I'm not good enough!" If the client cannot look at the heart of the onion, and see it for, in reality, what it is (a stinky lie), I know they have more work to do. And this is the soul's work: distinguishing the morality of the lies we believed about ourselves in childhood.

It All Began In Childhood 
Freud was wrong about the etiology of some things, but, he knew that childhood is the breeding ground for mistrust of ourselves. In childhood we begin doubting our innocent, inner wisdom, that knowing which has guided us, and which supersedes adult wisdom. As young children we intuitively understood our problems. We knew to ask unashamedly for what we wanted, which was innate and organismic. The healthy organism doesn't ask others what it should want, or what it is. It defines itself. It is programmed to do what it's supposed to do. We don't think of blinking or respiration: they happen spontaneously, as a result of the autonomic nervous system. Similarly, "thinking" came naturally once to us. Our thoughts at birth were simple, and as our brains grew to accommodate our environment, we became more cognitively sophisticated, more distinguishing. As our cognitive abilities appreciate, our sensory awareness recedes into the background of our awareness. Problems stand at the foreground; we are faced with the onion.

Onions Have Layers
I chose an onion to represent our day-to-day problems because it is one of the stinky vegetables, and one which has the power to make us cry when we cut into it. It is also one of the most common ingredients in cooking. What would a common recipe be without a touch of the culinary workhorse? You can find one in most every kitchen, and it's on every cook's grocery list. So it is with problems: when handled skillfully, the common, smelly onion can be transformed into a flavorful dish. Problems, like the onion, appear impossible to deal with until they are handled. Upon closer examination, we can disarm the onion's offensive qualities. Let's give an onion a good examination, a thorough once-over, shall we?

1. Pick the onion up and examine it's exterior. According to Socrates: the 'unexamined life is not worth living.' It may seem like you are faced with a central, single problem, such as: an addiction, or a relationship gone sour, or a hundred other themes (but have you noticed you tend to pick the same sort of onions?).
2. Notice there are layers to the onion. Upon closer inspection, you may, or may not be able to see how problems are systemic. I mean that our problems are caused by other problems. Example: Smoking is caused by stress. Smoking is the surface complaint, it is not the root issue. Smoking is precipitated and triggered by stress. Remove the source of stress, and you may have solved the problem. Perhaps you are lucky, and your onion has only two layers: smoking (effect) and stress (cause). For most people, their onions have more than two layers. In the case of smoking there is:

Layer 1-The obvious problem (smoking)
Layer 2-The triggers (stress, and physical and emotional addiction)
Layer 3-The Personality Hole (s)
Layer 4-The core unconscious belief that is dominant (defines behavior).

Personality Holes 
Dr. Fritz Perls, the creator of Gestalt Therapy, described what is lacking in the personality as a "hole."
Similar to the black holes in space, where stars, planets, and even constellations can become sucked in,
trapped in a galactic whirlpool and lost, is a personality hole, where what should be there is not.
In the human personality, when a common quality is lacking, a personality hole can be detected.
For example, in the case of someone with anti-social personality disorder, there is a marked lack of empathy for others. Criminals are devoid of this character quality. They have forgotten how to care compassionately for others. This is why allowing the well-behaved prison inmates to have a dog while imprisoned is a beautiful idea. It is a teaching measure. It rehabilitates the characteristics of empathy and responsibility for others. They are given a chance to  "reattach" to another living being, one who will love them unconditionally. This retraining in "having a heart" is a means of fixing what is lacking in this personality. As mercy is shown to the inmate by the correctional system, and by the unconditional adoration of a dog, they can learn to have tender feelings again for someone besides themselves.

Holes in personalities are common. People with personality disorders always, and without fail, have nothing where something should be. Dr. Perls also described the personality hole by saying, "Some people have no eyes. Some people have no ears where there should be ears." Have you ever had the experience of listening to a person talk about their problem, and the answer seemed obvious to you, yet it was as if they couldn't see what was right in front of them? This is a person with no eyes. Or have you ever talked to someone to find they heard your words, but were so preoccupied that they didn't hear your meaning? This persona has no ears. This is the frustration of Layer 3, the personality hole. People can be blind to a problem when they are in the midst of a problem. Their personality has developed a deficit; they are prevented from seeing it because to them, it is as if it is not there. How can you see that which does not exist for you? Personality holes are indicated by this lack of self-awareness. And if you make them aware, they may deny that it is there at all.

Unconscious Beliefs
Layer 4 is the final layer of the problem. It is more like a core of an avocado than the another layer of an onion. It is hardened, fixed and resistant to destruction. It is at the center of behavior. It is unconscious: like a navigating system guiding our lives, and as if we were on auto-pilot, we obey it's dictates. If the belief about ourselves is negative, such as, "I'm not good enough," we will see our circumstances through these lenses. We interpret messages other people send us through the filter of: "I'm not good enough." Then we treat those people as if that's how they feel (but we really don't know, because we never took the time to ask them). If our belief about ourselves is positive, again, we interpret our environment as reinforcing to our self-esteem: "You are good enough. You are loveable." Because most unconscious beliefs about ourselves originated in childhood,  Re-Parenting, or Inner-Child Therapy is a powerful method to touch that younger, still-hurt part of ourselves, which continues to feel "not good enough."

The Problem With Problems
The onion is a problematic vegetable. It appears like a whole mass, until you peel it. Then it multiplies. It becomes a whole system of smaller layers. Problems are similar, and this is why we avoid them: we've handled enough of them to know that if we open it we are "opening a can of worms." Worms are not pretty, and onions can be stinky.  So why even go there? The problem with problems is this: like a vegetable, if you allow it to rot, it really begins to stink! There are people whose souls are over-running with rot. Rather than correct the problem, they are like the hoarder, shoving their rotting onions everywhere until they pile up so obtrusively that there is nowhere they can go to get away from them. Hoarders are people who cannot let go. They would rather hang on to a rotting onion than experience grief. They are persons avoiding, and compensating for a loss they've experienced by hanging on to dead, rotting things. You may be saying, "How dreadful! I'm nothing like the hoarder!" However, like the hoarder, when we hang onto problems instead of resolving them, it is a refusal to grieve.

Wherever You Go, There You Are
Maybe you've heard the phrase, "Wherever you go, there you are?" All of us would like to avoid problems, to run from them. We all feel that way. And sometimes we do manage to avoid, or run from them...for awhile. Then, we return from vacation or come down from the whirlwind of romance. Eventually, we return to ourselves. Distractions from our problems aren't bad, in fact, sometimes that's exactly what we need to do-set aside the worry and de-stress! However, when problems are piling up, eventually the weight of them becomes unbearable. We realize it's time to focus on ourselves, and of course, the onion.


Being Willing To Be Wrong
MLK, Jr. said, "You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just be willing to take the first step." Admitting you have an unsolved problem takes some courage. It means you'll have to risk to get what you want. It means you'll have to "go out on a limb." I heard Reverend Matt Garrigan ask, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather get results?" Sometimes we must be willing to be wrong to solve our problems. Einstein said, "The same level of thinking used to create a problem cannot be used to solve a problem." This may mean going and finding the support we need. If we give ourselves permission to be wrong, to see mistakes as "errors in judgements, rather than sins to be judged and condemned" (Rev. Matt Garrigan), then we are free from perfectionism, and allowed to be what we are: fallible human beings who are in the process of learning and growing.

Conclusion
The next time you see an onion, think about how this common, stinky vegetable can be easily transformed. Realize your problems are just like the onion: if handled correctly, they can be used to enhance, and bring greater flavor to your life.