The Writing Studio: Blog Interview by Sherrey Meyers

Interview with Nina Bingham, Author of

"Once the Storm Is Over"       

Today I welcome Nina Bingham, author of  Once The Storm Is Over. In addition to writing, Nina is a Life Coach and Clinical Hypnotherapist. Educating not only from academic knowledge, but she also shares from her own hard-won life experience in a new and profound way. In private practice since 2003, she has treated individuals and couples with a wide variety of mental health issues. Nina graciously agreed to answer a few questions about her professional life and her book, which published March 2015. Join me in welcoming Nina to my blog and gathering for discussion and questions in the comment section below.

---

First, Nina, thank you for your willingness to share such a personal story with your readers and my followers. I appreciate it is not an easy topic to discuss yet you have written an amazing book and have answered my interview questions graciously.

Nina, would you share with my readers a bit about your professional background aside from your success as a writer?

There’s a long history of mental illness in my family. My paternal grandmother was institutionalized with Clinical Depression, and my father was an unmedicated Manic Depressive (what is now called Bipolar Disorder). He self-medicated with alcohol and was abusive as a result. Because of my family’s history, I earned an AA in Psychology. It wasn’t until I was in my 40's that I developed Clinical Depression and became suicidal myself. When I couldn’t function anymore, I began taking an anti-depressant and rebounded. I wanted to use my experience to help others, so I returned to college and earned a BA in Applied Psychology and had completed my academic program for my MS Mental Health Counseling Degree. At that time my 15-year-old daughter began a downhill slide into severe depression after the death of her father. The family curse went from me to her. 

As a mental healthcare professional assisting clients experiencing grief, how do you help them find their way through the devastation of something like suicide where guilt is also an emotional response?

I normalize the experience of guilt and self-blame for them, so they understand it is the most common emotion shared among suicide survivors. We all look back and see where we could have done better or intervened sooner, or said something we wished we had said, or regretted having said things. Only people who loved greatly feel remorse greatly. And while I will forever wish I had done things differently, as time passes, I can see that I did love her, and I did get her help; I did the best I could and knew to do at the time. I assure clients who are grieving a suicide, and even those who have lost a loved one by any means, that survivor’s guilt is common, and can be a heavy weight. My advice is to not grieve silently. Get support by sharing your feelings and finding supportive people. They may not fall in your lap–you may need to go out and look for a support group or a counselor to talk to. But nobody should shoulder the burden of grief alone.

You yourself have experienced the loss of a daughter through suicide. What confounded you the most about not being able to cope with the depth of that grief on your own?

Because I’d been trained to recognize the warning signs of suicide and had intervened to prevent client suicides in the past, it was doubly hard for me to accept that I had been unable to save my own daughter. Because of this I felt incredible, overwhelming shame. Because of the guilt and self-condemnation, it made it that much harder for me to seek support. Eventually I did find my way to a psychologist who was very helpful in encouraging self-forgiveness. But what I feel helped me the most was to journal about my feelings, and to talk it out with a friend. I came to realize that suicide happens to every kind of person, in every culture, and mental health professionals are not immune. Today I am not hiding behind the stigma of mental illness anymore and encourage everyone who has a mental illness to get comfortable talking about it. The more we share our own stories of our challenges and how we are coping and living successfully with these issues, the less societal stigma there will be.

Your memoir, Once the Storm Is Over: From Grieving to Healing after the Suicide of My Daughter, chronicles the lessons you learned during your grief and healing. Could you share briefly about your own healing and how it came about over time?

Key to emotional healing are the words “over time.” You’ve heard the saying; time heals all wounds. That’s true, but only if you express your pain and grief. Keeping the pain of trauma and loss too close to our chest can kill our spirits and hope for the future. Only when we give ourselves permission to be human–to make mistakes, and to see failure as part of the human growth cycle will we accept that we are not perfect, and in fact we are coded for error; making mistakes is part of how we learn and grow. Healing happens when we are willing to externalize the grief by expressing it. Not pushing it away from us and denying it or avoiding it, but looking at it squarely, facing it and saying: I am not perfect, but I did the best I knew to do at the time, and because of that, I deserve a little grace. Healing comes when we allow ourselves to stop running from the pain and to feel our real feelings.

Lastly, talk to us about writing your book and if you can, share with us any launch details.

This book was unintentional, meaning I didn’t write with the intention of sharing my story. It was my psychologist who suggested I journal about my feelings and get the grief on paper. To my surprise, I found that although it was difficult seeing my life and problems on paper, it was also miraculously transformative. The more I wrote the more I wanted to write, because it was like a salve that I could apply to the wound any time I wanted. Writing about my feelings was the biggest healing factor for me, because it’s difficult to deny what you’re feeling and thinking when it’s coming straight out of your pen! Journaling was like holding up a mirror in which I could see myself clearly, and that clarity really helped put things into perspective. My journal became this book where readers will be taking this journey through grief with me. Once The Storm Is Over published March 2015 and you can find it on Amazon.

Again, Nina, thank you for sharing your words and thoughts with us today.

---

Learn More About Nina:

Nina Bingham is an Author, Life Coach, and Clinical Hypnotherapist. Inspiring, sincere and whole-hearted, she educates not only from her academic knowledge, but shares from her own hard-won life experience in a new and profound way. In private practice since 2003, she has treated individuals and couples with a wide variety of mental health issues. She is the author of 3 books of poetry and one recovery workbook, Never Enough. Her fifth book, “Once The Storm Is Over: From Grieving to Healing After The Suicide of My Daughter,” published in March 2015. It’s the autobiographical confession of a counselor who lost her teen daughter to suicide. What she learned about love and forgiveness changed her life forever. It will change yours, too.

Connect with Nina here:

https://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1540481244&sr=8-

  Once the Storm Is Over: From Grieving to Healing After the Suicide of My Daughter by Nina Bingham | Life in the Slow Lane (sherreymeyer.com)

  

     

  

 

   

          

                   

                       

                                        

           

   

                             

      

       

---

       

    

        

















          
                 
        

















              

        


















        

  

                        

     

           

       

 

                    

Taking Down The Walls

In Ginny Owen's song, "No Borders," she sings about taking down the borders and boundaries that keep us separate from feeling connected to love. "I hid behind the comfort of my castle, where everything is up to me. These walls are high, but not enough to drown out the whispers and wonderings of what I haven't seen. You call me to the great unknown of what you have for me..."
Ginny is describing the deep longing of every human heart: to tear down the differences between two  different people and to love with reckless abandon. Having surrendered, Ginny says the borders and boundaries that appeared to be solid and impenetrable will, in one glorious moment, melt in the bright white heat of love.

Giving love with no guarantee of return is beyond risky, which is why our minds tell us to withhold, to play it safe, to stay within the confines of familiarity. Yet traveling outside of the familiar, pushing ourselves out of the known and secure is where joy and freedom are found. It's a quandary, isn't it? We can't experience the fullness of life unless we agree to expand beyond our comfort zones. Life is asking each of us: How far are you willing to go to have your dreams? What are you willing to do to be the person you want to be? Over and over we must defeat fear and defy the voice that would keep us satisfied with so little.

Neuroscientists have concluded that we can train our minds to act more courageously in everyday life by being willing to risk failure and even criticism. When it comes to fear, as psychologist Noam Shpancer declared: "There is no way around, there is only a way through." It's true: the most effective way to conquer fear is by repeatedly putting yourself in circumstances that will require you to face them. By practicing "courageous acts" you actually re-wire the brain's circuitry so that the feared element doesn't have the power to intimidate you like it once did. You find that the thing you feared most becomes a path to greater self-expression. Best of all, love has a chance to creep in when you're not looking. Dr. Brene Brown, the author of, Daring Greatly, and researcher on the science of human connection says, "We have to figure out how we’re currently protecting ourselves from vulnerability. What is our armor? Perfectionism? Intellectualizing? Cynicism? Numbing? Control? That’s where I started. It’s not an easy walk into that arena, but it’s where we come alive."

To build a character of courage, you must continually work the muscle of courage, and though at first it seems like it might be impossible to take down the walls you've spent a lifetime erecting, the secret is found in dismantling your unwanted self brick by brick, day by day. One fine morning you will be able to peek over the wall and there won't be anything blocking you from the great unknown. You'll be free to live unhindered and love passionately. Sound good?

Then ready, set...LOVE.

To see all of Devi Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Learning To Love The Real Me

I have studied and researched human emotion and thought for my entire adult life. I have two undergrad degrees in Psychology, and master's education in mental health counseling. At the beginning of my journey into academia, in 1983 when I was earning my first degree, I would have told you with impunity that I was going to leave my mark on the field of psychology. Fresh-faced and idealistic, I was going to make a significant contribution, and most importantly, people were going to remember me. Well, they'll remember me, alright...as the counselor whose daughter committed suicide. This has been the most profoundly embarrassing, shame-inducing, ego-crushing experience for me, and not what I would have wanted to be remembered for. Yet it taught me to love the real me, and taught me how to love others the way they need to be loved.

Dale Carnegie said there are two emotional needs of every human being that we should keep in mind if we want better relationships. One is that we all want to feel understood, and the other is that we all want to feel important. I have listened to hundreds of clients talk about their problems over the past 16 years as a Life Coach and have arrived at the conclusion that Dale Carnegie was accurate; all of us want to feel understood and important. However, I've noticed that for some people, feeling important is their primary need. These are the folks who, on a scale measuring Narcissistic personality tendencies would score higher in Narcissism, which is a strong need for admiration. I am one of these people. These are the exhibitionists of the world and the world wouldn't be the dramatically colorful, artistic, and passionate place it is without their expressive voices. Conveniently, exhibitionists are attracted to their opposite: the voyeurs of life. Those precious souls who would rather sit in the second row than the first so they get a better view and perspective. If voyeurs had a governing theme, it would be: observe first, take action second. Without the voyeurs, the Narcissist wouldn't have anyone in their audience! More importantly, the Narcissistic personality who prefers to jump before she looks would jump without a safety net. It is the voyeurs among us (you know who you are) who look before they leap. Thank God for you, or we would all be rushing off cliffs together!

Because I am admiration-oriented, when my daughter took her own life, I felt as if my life was over. I felt I'd rather pack up and move to another country than face the overwhelming guilt and shame of being a suicide survivor, especially since I was a counselor; a counselor who wanted so badly to be admired. It was as if the Universe said: "You want everyone's attention? Well then, you shall have it." Not only did it feel as if my daughter had rejected and abandoned me in death, but it seemed as if the Universe was ridiculing me. I felt desolate; all alone in a cruel world where my guiding light had been snuffed out. The porch light of Heaven had been turned off, the door locked, and I was put out into the cold to wander in the dark halls of an endless grief. For a year I wandered the inconsolable, desolate halls of my own mind. I shut the world out, because it had proved itself an untrustworthy place full of empty promises and devoid of meaning and happiness. I closed my coaching practice because I knew I needed time to heal. How could I teach anyone anything about love and hope and healing when I was in a dire struggle to find it for myself?

So there I was: no job, no hope, no direction. Stopped, stuck, angry and bitter. The people closest to me couldn't help me because they were waging their own private battles with the suicide. Not knowing how to begin to deal with the overwhelming bundle of emotions I experience daily, I started taking "grief walks." On these long walks I'd imagine I was Forrest Gump and I would keep walking until I couldn't walk anymore. Many times I was tempted to just keep walking and never look back. I understand now how people can suddenly abandon their painful lives and leave everything behind. When there is too much pain, walking away seems... justified.

One day I was feeling so much anger at the Universe for taking my beautiful and smart girl, who over the years had been my only reason for living that when I saw an empty lot I headed straight for it. As cars rushed by, I stood in the middle of the field and chucked rocks at God. I threw rocks at the sky, calling God names which I cannot repeat here. I shouted until I was hoarse: "You lied to me! You told me it was going to be a beautiful life-but it turned into a nightmare! You're a liar, and I hate you...I hate you! I'm never going to forgive you for this." If I could have pulled God out of the sky and given him a black eye and a broken nose, I would have. Spent, I sunk to my knees in the dust and wept. Anybody driving by would have thought me completely mad. But on the way home I noticed something peculiar; I felt a lot better, better than I had felt in a long time. I decided then not to hold in my feelings any longer. I found a Psychologist, and he helped me to understand it wasn't God I was angry with-it was myself. I hated myself because I couldn't save my own daughter. The only solution, he told me, was to forgive myself.

It took a little while before I came to what grief specialists term "Acceptance" of her death. For me, acceptance meant saying goodbye, releasing her ashes, and giving myself permission to move forward with my life. Sadly, there are people who are stuck in grief, unable to say goodbye. For them, the torment never ends. I discovered I had to express my feelings openly and freely both to God, and to another compassionate human being. When I did, I could forgive myself, and forgive my daughter for leaving me behind. At that point, I could finally let her go.

For somebody whose driving force in life has always been to feel important, the journey through grief has been more than a detour: it re-routed my entire existence. Yet the path it took me, though excruciatingly painful, opened my eyes. Without this experience it would still be "all about me" and truthfully, there are moments when I forget the lesson and I fall back on that old familiar ego-boosting mantra. But immediately I'm reminded of what I've learned, and it shifts my perspective. What I learned is: It's not important that other people admire me, what's important is that I admire me.

I admire me most when I am humble, when I am conscientious of others, agreeable, and not demanding it be my way all the time. Most importantly, I admire me most when I extend to others the forgiveness and grace I have been shown. I am learning to love the real me, because she is someone worthy of my admiration.

To see all of Devi Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Endeavoring To Walk With Your Heart Wide Open

If you are a true writer, and by definition I mean, if you can't help but write (because if you didn't it would probably come spewing out of your ears) then you'll know what I'm talking about when I say I'm getting that peculiar writing "itch" that begins in the subconscious and works its way up to the different lobes of my brain, finding its way out the end of my pen. I guess you could say my brain is itching. But until the mysterious subconscious is ready to reveal it's secrets, I endure an itchy brain. That's how I know something big is brewing down in the subconscious basement. The most inspired and creative writing occurs the same way that throwing-up does: thoughts become so thick that they come up all by themselves and I'm the unwitting conduit for truth that is much deeper than my own understanding. Legend has it that Mozart described composing as if he were simply taking dictation. I relate to that. This state of fixed concentration has been described by Psychologists as, "flow," or "being in the flow." Some days I am so engrossed, so "taken over" that it is night before I look around and notice: the sun went down and I am still in my pajamas. Canned vegetables for dinner and laundry piled to the ceiling until I finish my next sonata. You can't help but be dazzled and worn out by the euphoria of a writer's life.

I've noticed that you can't write anything you haven't first lived. Oh yes, I've tried it...all writers are guilty of dispensing advice they themselves couldn't take. Those writings are usually less interesting and pale by comparison, because though they may contain truth, the passion is lacking. Writing and passion are synonymous; two sides of one coin. Passion is the only prerequisite for creativity; you cannot create anything without it. These days I spend a lot of time with my passion of writing; I've spent so much time with her that I cannot imagine what life would be without her. Writing is my mistress. I am in a fierce love-affair with writing; fortunate indeed am I to spend my days entwined with what I love.

A friend and I were discussing loving with your heart wide open and she replied with a knitted brow: "Is that even possible in this world? I don't know about that." I chuckled knowingly because I've felt that way...sure would be nice if it worked that way, but not very likely. And yet, I know it is possible to live fully opened to life, because I've experienced it. I've felt my heart wide open, tingling with aliveness, a euphoric Life Force surging through my veins. It feels like...home. Like coming home to yourself after you've been out of touch, disharmonious. It feels genuine, it feels true, and it feels incredibly tender, almost so tender that it hurts.

We've all experienced moments, even if they were only glimpses, when we saw ourselves differently. What you saw wasn't grand, but it wasn't inconsequential, either. It was simply who you really are. Who you really are has nothing to do with your mind and everything to do with your connection to Spirit. Once that connection has been severed because of anger, doubt or fear, you'll feel all alone again. You aren't really, but that's the experience you'll have. Living with your heart wide open is more than a lovely concept; it's a possibility. In order to sustain it day-to-day, it has to become a way of life. I am endeavoring to walk with my heart wide open. And though it's not easy, it's so much better than the alternative. Won't you walk with me awhile?

To see all of Devi Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Chasing Enlightenment: The Buddha's Secret

The word "enlightenment" is one of those New-Agey, mysterious words that I wanted to understand the moment I heard it. The more I heard about this vague concept of becoming highly spiritual, the more elusive it seemed to be. It was like trying to catch a butterfly: it kept flitting out of reach the more I chased it. In an attempt to understand how each religion believes you become enlightened, I studied it, hoping to catch it. For six months I studied world religions; I even took a college course in world religion. But for me, an academic understanding wasn't enough. I also practiced each tradition in an effort to understand and experience them firsthand.

First I became the humble pupil of a Sufi Master who made me sit on a dirty floor and eat yellow rice with raisins as we stared at each other without speaking for a whole hour...yes, a whole hour. Next I joined a group of "progressive" Muslims, and did the whirling dance with tasseled and devoted Sufis, quietly taking my place in the back row because I was a woman. I fasted on Ramadon as a Muslim, until my stomach rang out with hunger. I learned the Talmud's complex daily prayers, and purchased a prayer rug. I bowed down to the East five times a day, praying with millions of unseen Muslims around the world. I learned from this that Muslims are a devoted and close-knit bunch, but were kind enough to include me.

Next, I tried Buddhism. I built a Buddhist shrine in my living room with statues, offerings and incense, and I meditated for hours...many, many hours. I was secluded and sequestered in silence like a nun, observing my own peculiar monkey mind until after months of intense meditation, it settled down to a dull roar. I studied The Buddha's life-reading so many books on Buddhism that I lost count. Lastly, I read about the Hindu Babas and gurus, and I learned to love them, too. I renunciated the world, and mammon... just as they had. I experienced a mystical state known as Samadhi after practicing transcendental mediation. Finally-something that had the power to whisk me away from my mind. At last! I was on to something...I could feel impending enlightenment.

Alas, it never arrived. After six months of sitting on hard floors, starving myself, praying, meditating, and renunciating, I was haggard. I yearned for a soft bed, a second helping, and the freedom to say "No!" to the 5am call to prayer. Reluctantly, I returned to my egocentric Westernly ways, nearly as confounded as when I began my spiritual journey. It seemed all my seeking had come to nought. Months after I'd put all the asceticism behind me, it occurred to me out of the blue, when I wasn't even thinking about it, how the Buddha had attained enlightenment! The illusive answer had been right in front of me all along...why hadn't I seen it?

The Buddha started out as a wealthy prince who lived in splendor and luxury, but he left his palace to wander the countryside in search of enlightenment. In an effort to humble himself, he was homeless- starving himself, flogging himself, and meditating unceasingly. A wiser ascetic came along and pointed out that all the severe denial and punishment had brought him no closer to God than when he was still eating. I guess he couldn't argue, because Siddhartha, now emaciated, starving and near death, gave in and began to eat one grain of rice at a time, until he regained his strength. Having done all he knew to do to understand God and the nature of reality, The Buddha parked himself under a Bodhi tree. He said to God (paraphrased): 'I will not move until you show me the truth of who you are, and why we are here.' He realized that this might be the hill on which he'd die, but still, he vowed not to move from that spot until the answer came.

For the first time, Siddhartha sat still; he wasn't chasing enlightenment. For the first time, he wasn't chasing after God, but humbly asking God to come find him. For the first time, he was receiving and not "earning" God's attention. By sitting still, the Buddha was making a statement. He was admitting to the one truth he had avoided for so long: that God is unfathomable, and our limited minds will never fully comprehend the Divine. Under that tree, the Buddha waved a silent white flag of surrender, and admitted the truth: that  he was a human, and God was God. He humbled himself., admitting in silent resignation that God was unknowable, unfathomable. As he did, it is said that evil spirits came to oppose the Buddha, to attack and frighten him, hoping to move him from beneath the tree, his place of beautiful surrender. He blew out a single breath, and like a mighty wind...pop! The demons were demolished. The Buddha sat still even longer...humbled, small, and completely without answers-until enlightenment, that elusive butterfly, came to alight on his shoulder. The second it landed, he was the all-knowing man, and became what his name means: the awakened one.

The Buddha's secret? Enlightenment found him, while all his striving could not find enlightenment.
I realized then I had made the same mistake as the Buddha in my zeal for spirituality: I'd been searching for something that only comes once we are humbled, still, fully human...and surrendered. The day I discovered the Buddha's secret, I stopped chasing enlightenment. Now when asked about how to become more spiritual I recommend, as the Sufi poet Rumi said: "Let the butterflies come to you."

To see all of Devi Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

On Becoming A Butterfly

The example of the butterfly who begins it's journey as a lowly caterpillar is an apt metaphor for the work we all must do to transform ourselves into self-actualized individuals. Take a journey with me into the butterfly's world...

Success, as our capitalistic society defines it, is limiting and exclusive, whereas significance is immaterial, spiritual, and like the saying goes about love, it can't be bought. A feeling of significance only comes after we have plundered the depths of materialism and found it to be lacking; when we have found that it is nothing more than a sham, a fraud, a lie."Things" do not add up to security because they can be taken away. Bank accounts have a mysterious propensity for shrinkage, and happiness which is purchased is fleeting and temporary, and leads to the thirst for the next material "fix." Once one has realized this truth about Capitalism; that it is "I" centered and not "we" oriented, the process of self-actualization, or, realizing one's unique potential can be fulfilled. The acquiring of wealth and things is not evil or bad in and of itself; rather, we must see it for what it is: little more than a confining trap for the edification and stabilization of the "self." Success as Western society defines it is not the highest point of human development. The spiritual self, like the caterpillar, yearns to fly unhindered. We struggle through the bonds of materialism so we can break out into another dimension of the self; a wholly new and wondrous self previously unseen, which is exquisitely unique and full of possibility.

This final step in human development called self-actualization cannot precede the fulfillment of naturally selfish survival desires and drives, as Maslow pointed out. Unless we have a sense of survival, safety and belonging, we haven't the strength to transform ourselves into anything more; we are stuck in an endless wasteland of assuring the ego of its safety. However, the day dawns for many when they've had enough to eat. They realize they are full and can't get any fuller, and their spirit rises up and urges them on, driving them to break free of their safe environment, and to build a den of seclusion about themselves so they may develop into a fully realized individual. In many ways this perceptual shift is like the miraculous metamorphosis of the butterfly. The "I" centered caterpillar spends its days feeding itself and knows to do little else. Instinctively the caterpillar is doing what it needs to do to metamorphose; it is gathering metabolic resources for its journey into the miraculous. One day, as if a circuit is switched on in its brain, the caterpillar begins its life's most important work, that of self-transformation. What it does next is quite striking. It builds around it a sturdy, hard-shelled cocoon to develop in. To the outside observer, the cocoon looks seemingly motionless, while it's really in turmoil. The process of becoming a butterfly is a struggle and lots of hard inner work. But what emerges from the cocoon is a delicate beauty, capable of flight; so delightful that French impressionist composers wrote songs in tribute to it.

I have illustrated this inner transformation using the metaphor of a butterfly when in reality this transformation happens in response to a crisis in our lives. A death, a bankruptcy, a divorce, an illness or another loss leaves us empty-handed, wondering where to turn next. In those desperate moments we come to understand that life is fleeting and fragile, and not as secure as we made it out to be. It is here, in points of crisis, that we can choose to respond the same old way and take the familiar road, or discover, as M. Scott Peck aptly named it, "The Road Less Traveled." Self-actualization is a fluid state where one is liberated from chasing elusive security and the accumulation of "things." Your thoughts are less defined by who you used to be, and more influenced and affected by who you're becoming. Your behaviors will change, sometimes drastically in response to the spiritual, more significant, emerging self. For those in mid-life, it may appear to others as a "mid-life crisis" or transition. For those in their twenties, the turmoil of their lives will recede, and a path out of the confusion will appear before them, a path into the future. These metamorphoses will likely strike at middle-age or in the early twenties, as these are naturally occurring neurological change-points. However we find the door, it is suddenly open to us, and we are changing: our perspectives are improved, we are more confident and our beliefs about ourselves and our world are more compelling.
The hallmark of finding significance is not only to fulfill our unique potential, but having realized what our potentialities are, to find significance in helping others to self-actualize. When you have gone from being a caterpillar to a butterfly you are so elated at being able to fly and be free of the rigid, restrictive cocoon that you automatically want others to know this same freedom. Many self-actualized people have shifted their concentrations from the wants of the ego to the needs of others. Deeply spiritual and self-actualized individuals we have so much respect for have shown us the characteristics of the self-actualized person: a "we" orientation (opposed to the capitalistic maverick), empathy, a focused and tireless approach to their humanitarian efforts and the ability to see the butterfly within every caterpillar. Mother Teresa of Calcutta is an example of a deeply, profoundly self-actualized individual, tirelessly "giving wings" to others less fortunate. We may not feel inspired to affect transformation on the grand scale that Mother Teresa did. Instead, we may touch lives one by one. Whatever methodology we use, the business of transformation belongs to all of us. Once we can say with confidence that we are realizing our full potential, we will be in the privileged position to help others reach theirs. Life is a journey, and the end of the road is not ourselves. The end of the road is seeing us in others.

A butterfly never knows quite where it is going to land. It may be flying in one direction until the wind comes along and hurries it in the opposite direction. This seeming haphazard method of flight is ultra-adaptive. Instead of resisting the wind, it harnesses its power and is propelled along at ever-increasing speed. When we feel the winds of change blowing in our lives, we would be wise to adopt an attitude of flexibility, openness, curiosity, and optimism. A negative attitude in the face of change is self-defeating and will only cause us to struggle against forces which are beyond our control.
A friend recently brought to my attention that finding significance is not always an event that happens suddenly, but rather, a life-long journey. In biopsychosocial human development we certainly see clear stages that a human moves through; from birth to childhood, from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, and from adulthood into old age. But as my friend pointed out, achieving self-actualization is often less clear-cut than that; it is less dramatic and more subtle for some. Some people just "grow into it." This realizing of one's full potential has also been called "wisdom" by the ancients. Wisdom is the meeting of age and insight. As we mature and gain life experience, knowledge, and insight, wisdom should be a naturally occurring product of the well-examined life. As we move from one stage in life to the next, wisdom should be the expected outcome. As we gain insight, however it is gained, whether dramatically or more subtly, flaws in our thinking become obvious to us and behavior patterns of the past don't feel comfortable anymore. We begin to sense the advantages of flight over plodding along, inch by frustrating inch, as if we had blinders on. We begin to thirst for adventure, but not the self-serving kind. Instead, we develop an insatiable thirst for inclusion. We see that while previously we had conceived of ourselves as being apart from others, the real Truth is we are intrinsically linked to the human chain which stretches back eons, and will stretch ahead even after we're gone. We begin to perceive ourselves as part of something bigger; a grand plan, a schema, or just part of the ever-expanding cosmos. When we realize we play a dramatic role in history, a key role, we begin to perceive our intrinsic value. As a result of comprehending our value we will be less apt to denigrate ourselves for weaknesses and shortcomings and inclined toward seeing ourselves in a positive light that is realistic. I mean to say that we will have accepted our natural, inherent "goodness" without having to prove it to anyone. Temperance, equanimity, tolerance and self-control will direct our steps so that we hurt others less, and are more mindful of the impact we are making.
To review, we must simply, naturally allow wisdom to arise if one wishes to find deep, lasting happiness and fulfillment. We must accept change and allow the organic, spiritual process of metamorphosis to burgeon. As we self-actualize we will rise above, or transcend our personal problems, and others will come more clearly into view. As we focus on others instead of only ourselves, we will have the feeling of expansion, experiencing ourselves as an invaluable, intricate part of the vast universe we inhabit. We will be able to say, like the butterfly, that because of much effort and struggle, we are ready to fly.

To see all of Devi Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0

Once the Storm is Over Book Trailer

To read Nina's autobiography, Once The Storm Is Over: From Grieving To Healing After The Suicide of My Daughter 

Click here: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0