Grief and the Holidays

Holidays are, for most people, are a mixed bag of blessings. As depicted in The Griswold's Family Christmas, anything and everything can go wrong, from a squirrel infested Christmas tree to the strange, inappropriate relatives descending upon your home, to a Christmas light fiasco. But that's not really why most of us get the holidays blues. Studies show that for lonely people (those not surrounded by family and friends), those who grew up in dysfunctional families (which, studies suggest, is about 60% of America), and for those who experience family alienation, the holiday happiness may never arrive. Additionally, there is a group of people hiding in the shadows for whom holidays and anniversaries may be almost torturous: the grievers. I've been the guest of many radio shows answering questions about my grief process, and about suicide prevention. Inevitably, somebody asks about how I handle the holidays. I cringe and tell the truth: I dread them, too. I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, and I also experience family alienation. Then I lost my teen daughter to suicide (the kid who was my Christmas spirit-decorating the tree and house, and who had Hallmark Christmas movies playing non-stop). Suddenly I turned into the Grinch (or maybe Ebeneezer Scrooge). So how does someone in the clutches of grief, alienated from their family or with no family, reclaim their holiday spirit?

Redefining what makes you happy, what brings you joy during the holiday and then doing it is key to being able to enjoy some holiday cheer. If you are grieving or have a difficult time like so many of us do during the holidays, cut yourself some slack. Don't be afraid to say to your family and friends, "This is a rough time of year for me," and don't feel obligated to justify your feelings. Your feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong, and you have a right to them. If I learned anything in my 16 years as a Life Coach, it is that feelings should never be judged. The holiday blues are very real for grievers but they are also fleeting states that will pass once the holidays blow over.

Angie Cartwright, long-time griever and the co-host of the National Radio Show, Grief Diaries ( http://www.blogtalkradio.com/alybluemedia/2014/10/16/grief-diaries-with-guest-nina-bingham ), asked me on-air how I got through the first Christmas without my daughter. I told her about how I pushed myself to put on a happy face and attended my fiance's family holiday dinner. She gently and wisely recommended that while jumping into the festivities is great if you can, new grievers need to give themselves permission to take care of themselves instead of doing what other people expect of them. She recounted one Thanksgiving that hit right after her mother had died. Because Angie was tuned-into her feelings, she let her family know that she was sorry, but she wasn't going to be participating this year, see you next year! "I had to give myself permission to cancel Thanksgiving. I had to find the strength within to let myself be true to myself. I have lived in silent grief before and gone to Christmas parties smiling on the outside while feeling like I wanted to kill myself on the inside. I hope listeners will give themselves the permission to feel the grief, even during the holidays. It's taboo to do that, because we're supposed to "show up" at our family's celebration and our work holiday party. I don't know who "supposed to" is, but I'm not listening to that voice anymore. I need to embrace the difficult feelings I'm having and honor who I am, right where I am. This is also my way of honoring the relationship I had with the loved-one that passed. When I was willing to be honest about my feelings, I didn't feel the need to hide my grief from others anymore." I thought this straightforward approach to the holidays was very brave of Angie. She had the guts to do what her grieving heart was telling her to do; she didn't allow herself to feel obligated to participate while she was feeling overwhelmed. I admire her refreshing honesty and respect her grief recovery work immensely. Angie is advising us to listen to our inner voice of grief; to take better care of ourselves than we do of other people during the often difficult holidays.

This holiday, if you aren't able to be the twinkling bright picture-perfect family member, glowing with zest and goodwill, don't feel bad-you're not alone. Watch The Griswold's Family Christmas, and you'll be reminded anew that many of us struggle to find that holiday twinkle, even in a room packed with family and friends. If you happen to be one of the lucky ones who experience genuine holiday mirth, wonderful for you! But if you don't, give yourself permission to be real; to acknowledge and even admit your feelings, and let go of the stereotyping around the holidays that says we are all "supposed to be" deliriously happy. Maybe being honest with yourself and others is the biggest gift of all.

To see all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0