Those of us who wage our own private battle with mental illness can tell you that on our toughest days, when life is staring us down and daring us to give in, we've got to remind ourselves that we have a reason to go on. My reason was always my daughter Moriyah. I kept trudging through the swampy morass of depression because while she was smart, beautiful and loving, she had also inherited our family's depressive gene. I wanted to prove to her that life was worth living, although there were days when I wondered why I had to go on. She became depressed after the death of her beloved father; they were soul mates, her reason for going on. Five days before her death she stopped taking her medication, and committed suicide in the next room as I slept. After waging a brave and grueling 4-year battle, she let go of hope. Grief combined with guilt left me shattered, devastated, numb, and incapable of functioning. In the months to follow I had to find a way to forgive both her and myself. How could I forgive myself for not being able to save her? How could I forgive her for giving up? What I learned about love and forgiveness changed my life forever.
What I learned about forgiveness is that it's the most potent and powerful force on the face of the earth. It can change everything in an instant. I've heard it said that we shouldn't forgive just to satisfy someone else, and I wholeheartedly agree. Don't forgive others to pacify or placate. Forgive because it is the merciful art of release. Most importantly, you are freeing yourself of bitterness, and embracing the possibility of a new tomorrow. Forgive yourself because you are as deserving of compassion as anyone (the Buddha said that). Release others, letting go of the drama and emotional poison, so they are free to face their own karma. You don't need to prove their wrongdoing; simply LET GO of having to adjudicate, leaving them in the capable hands of the Universe. The most important life lesson I ever learned is: "You cannot save people...you can only love them" (Anais Nin). Anais Nin and The Buddha can't be wrong.
What I learned about love is that it never ends. Sorrow ends, and hate definitely ends. But love...it is the only feeling that lives on, unquenchable and enduring. When I finally released my daughter (it took me a whole year to whisper the word "goodbye"), I thought I'd stop feeling her presence and we'd drift apart (which is why I held on for so long). I don't feel her presence as acutely anymore (hey, she's got more important things to do than to hang out with Mom), and I believe it's because we are both able to stand on our own now. I have a knowing inside that whenever I need her help, I can call and she'll be there. We have this spiritual connection that can't be broken, a bond forged that's as strong and enduring as steel, as tough as nails. It's like the Bible says: Love never fails.
While my reason to go on isn't my daughter anymore, I do have a reason. It is, well...YOU. I go on for every reader who has lost a loved one to suicide, so they see that pain is a surety but suffering is optional. I go on for every person struggling with the scourge of mental illness, so they don't give up before help has a chance to arrive. I go on for every teen and young adult who was promised a beautiful life but who feels betrayed and sees life as a lie, because for them it is nothing but suffering. I go on for every hopeless person on this planet because when I lost my daughter I was hopeless and out of answers. I go on for YOU, and you go on for ME; we go on for each other, because that's what it's all about. That's what we are here to discover. We exist for one another. Everyday we choose to go on because every day is a new opportunity to release old patterns of thinking and adopt fresh ways of relating. Love is the reason we go on, because love never fails.
To see all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0
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