Acceptance of Reality
Accepting our own, and others' limitations is pre-requisite, fundamental, and paramount to achieving more happiness and success. It stands to reason: you can't change reality if you're not living in it. Yet we live in denial more than we realize, more than we'd like to admit (we live in denial about living in denial). For a long time I lived in denial about how depressed my teenage daughter had become. Yes, I took her to counseling and got her on anti-depressants. But there was a part of me, the parent part of me that didn't want to admit to her steady decline. The mother in me kept hoping things would improve, that she was just being a moody teenager. But the realistic me, the mental health professional in me was far more worried and skeptical. Each day these two parts battled for control until the morning I woke up to find my daughter had secretly gone off her anti-depressant, and as a result had taken her own life.
Suddenly the weaker part of me that had wanted to downplay and make excuses for her behavior had to face a very harsh reality. I was horrifyingly thrust into the truth, because there's no way to downplay a tragedy of this magnitude. My denial was instantaneously "outed." Once you see that you've been denying what's true, or in my case, pretending it "wasn't as bad" as it seemed, you're swamped with guilt. Regret, blame, disgrace, self-condemnation and failure pull up a chair and take root in your psyche, becoming your constant companions. Once you've been cornered and "outed" in such a big way, it's time to admit to yourself what you did well, but also where you dropped the ball and retreated. Whether it's a failed friendship, a failed relationship or marriage, or having failed as a parent, life always gives you the opportunity to step out of pretense and back to reality.
Today I don't pretend as much as I used to. I try really hard to be honest with myself and other people. When I find myself slipping back into that weaker part of me (and I do), the "pleaser" part of me, I have to remind myself I'm not here to please others, to look good, or to impress people, because when I'm overly worried about being judged or losing someone's love or admiration, it makes it difficult to be real. I also have to keep reminding myself that the purpose of life is not to insulate myself. I'm not here to build a cushiony life so I can escape from reality. The point of being given a life is so I can live in reality! And that means getting really, really messy in relationships if need be, in order to work through problems. In order to keep growing we'll have to get used to heaping doses of difficulty.
Letting Go
Letting go means standing aside and allowing life to happen without my trying to control it. This has been (and some days still is) a completely foreign concept to me, because I was raised by a single-parent who was an abuse survivor. She taught us to stand up for ourselves and never be walked on. She taught us to speak up for ourselves. She taught us to have a really good "BS meter." All important things if you want to feel in control, and not be taken advantage of. What I didn't learn is how to flow with life: how to stand back, detach and be the observer, allowing others to do whatever they are going to do, and not attempt to control, manipulate or change the outcome. In short, I was programmed since childhood to defend myself really, really well. So while I have been described as a strong person, an intelligent person, and a capable person, nobody would describe me as a particularly agreeable person, a gentle person, or a "go with the flow" kind of gal. Quite the contrary, I've been described as a "take charge" kind of gal. This was brought to my attention again recently in a radio interview I did. I wanted so much to say what I'd planned to say that the poor host literally couldn't get a word in edgewise. Sigh. I battle with letting go and letting life spontaneously happen more than most folks, because I was abused as a child by one parent, and then taught to fight back by the other. There was no balance between the two extremes. When you think about it, letting go is all about trust. It's trusting that we live in an abundant and benevolent Universe. It's trusting another person to be there for us and catch us when we fall. It's trusting that I am in fact "good enough," regardless of what seems like evidence to the contrary. It's trusting that it's okay to make mistakes because I'm human. It's trusting that most of the time I'm safe and not in danger, contrary to what my alarmist brain would have me believe. Letting go is the polar opposite of control, and it's what's required if we're going to reclaim our life. I am certain of this, because it wasn't until I let go of my idea of who I was (a mental health counselor) that I could finally see myself for who I'd become (a suicide survivor). Seeing myself for who I really am has not been easy or comfortable, but ultimately it's made my life healthier and happier. We are who we've become, not who we think we are (scary thought #2).
Sometimes I really hate my ego. I've studied spiritual teachers enough to know that what drives us to control is the ego: that over-analytic, judging and critical left brain which is always on guard, eager to squash our enthusiasm and which doesn't give spontaneity and creativity much of a chance to blossom. Sometimes I really hate my left brain, too. Even though we need it for survival, it can sabotage our most earnest efforts to be open, spontaneous, flexible and honest. The ego is very wary of honesty. It sees it as a weakness, and would rather we respond in safer, pre-programmed sorts of ways. Honesty is risky business for the ego, because we might look foolish, stupid or weak, so the ego avoids situations that could create discomfort. The ego is what causes us to reduce, to shrink, ask for less, and to settle. It reasons: at least if I settle I'm not out of my comfort zone. If the ego had its way it would tuck us into bed and keep us there forever, everyday nearly the same, nothing allowed in that would rock our boats. Sterile, yet safe. Yet you've probably realized by now that playing it too safe is a recipe for failure.
Holding On
It's 11am and I'm in my pajamas in my home office, trusty dog by my side, eating last night's Chinese off a wilted paper plate, and baring my soul to thousands of strangers I'm never going to meet, who are never going to think of leaving a comment despite all my soul-bearing posts. Still, writing is what I've dreamed of doing for a living since the 4th grade. It's all thanks to my 4th grade teacher, Ellen Hillman (I put in her whole name in case she's reading, you never know). She saw merit my 4th grade stories and asked if she could read them to the class during our Friday reading circle. I recall my first thought like it was yesterday: but what if they don't like them? To my amazement my friends enjoyed my unpolished efforts, and the class gasped when Mrs. Hillman revealed I had written them. Gasped! Well, that set my little soul ablaze with hope. Maybe I was onto something here, something I could actually succeed at! I've been writing ever since. Thanks to one teacher's encouragement, I've been writing, completely unschooled and rouge for a very long time. While working from home in your comfy p.j.s and being your most expressive and creative self may not sound like heaven to others, it is for me. Pure heaven on earth. Had I not continued to fiercely hold onto that dream over the years (the dream of making readers gasp), I might have found myself working in a high-rise, rat-maze cubical office, bitching about the watered-down coffee and impossible copy machine loud enough so my supervisor was sure to overhear it. Instead, I'm my own boss, eating Chinese at 11am in my jammies, cozy and comfortable at home, baring my soul. I believe holding on to your dreams is crucial to achieving deep contentment with life. What was it you wanted to be or to do in 4th grade? How about when you were a teen or young adult, just getting a start in life-what did you know you could be and do before the world told you you couldn't? The majority of people who love what they do, who relish every minute of their workday and who are living their passion will tell you they held onto their dreams for a long time before they succeeded the way they first envisioned. Success doesn't just happen. Gone are the days where you could go to a corner soda shop in Hollywood, hang out and "be discovered." Due to the www the world is much larger nowadays and competition's much steeper. However, your competition may be lacking in one crucial ingredient that you have, the one ingredient that can set you apart from the rabid pack, and that is a prevailing persistence, complimented by a sprinkling of patience. Success will require that you master the art of determination.
Determination is like having your own private football linebacker. Linebackers are part of the defensive team, who provide extra protection to the quarterback. When we show inordinate amounts of determination, we become more resistant to set-backs. The linebacker in us refuses to let the opposition take us down. In a blitz, the linebacker sacks or hurries the opposing offense's quarterback. The linebacker in us will either pursue and demolish the obstacle, or at the very least, apply enough pressure to hurry the play. To have your dream you'll have to weave and bob around unending obstacles, persist through waves of discouragement (even heartbreak), and charge fiercely towards your goal like a linebacker with the red of blitz in his eye. Who said you couldn't learn anything from football?
Reclaiming your dream is possible at any age, take it from me, but it's never going to be easy, and most of the time you're not going to feel like a superstar. You're going to feel like you're a second-string player, and some days, the water-boy. Just remember feelings don't always tell you the truth. You can't trust them. Always be suspect of feelings that tell you you're not good enough, you're going to fail. These are mostly the mind's fears being projected onto the big screen of your life. Try this three-pronged strategy for reclaiming your dreams:
- Accept reality
- Let Go of always having to be in control
- Hold On to your dreams.
To see all of Nina's books: http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Bingham/e/B008XEX2Z0
Beautiful and inspiring, Nina. :) I really appreciated the part about not trusting your feelings (at least not always). Boy, have I been there!!! Do you mind if I reblog this?
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