Avoiding Divorce: Dysfunction vs. Abuse, and 4 Keys For Resolution by Nina Bingham

Dysfunctional Patterns: Divorce is a messy word and a painful event. Yet 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (Baker, 2012). What makes some couples succeed in the game of love, while others fail? How does one avoid becoming a statistic?  "There are two patterns of affect regulation in couples headed for divorce: an emotionally inexpressive pattern that is low in both negative and positive affect (emotion), and an emotionally volatile attack-defend pattern. The emotionally inexpressive pattern will predict later divorcing while the emotionally volatile attack-defend pattern will predict earlier divorcing" (Gottman, Levenson, 2002). This research indicates that a balance of both contact and withdrawl is necessary for a couple's relationship to succeed. It behooves couples to assess what category their inter-personal communication, and conflict-resolution falls into, of the two patterns. Gigy & Kelly's (1992) research confirms these findings: the California Divorce Mediation project found that the most common reason given for divorcing was an increasing distance and isolation between partners, a decay of the marital friendship. And, "The attack-defend mode or avoidant mode couples present the two most common marital problems in therapy" (Wile, 1993).

Critical Periods: There are critical periods in the which relationships typically dissolve. It is important to be aware of what developmental stage the relationship is in. "There are two high-risk periods for divorce in the life course. The first critical period for divorcing is the first 7 years of marriage (Cherling, 1982). The second critical period for divorce is midlife, often when most people have young teenage children. This latter time has been suggested by some investigators as perhaps the lowest point in marital satisfaction in the life course (Adelman, Chadwick, & Baerger, 1996; Orbuch, House, Mero & Webster, 1996; Steinberg & Silverberg, 1987; White & Booth, 1991).

Dysfunction vs. Abuse: Some people would say it's a fine line between a dysfunctional relationship and an abusive one, so let's be clarify what constitutes abuse. Dysfunction is different from abuse. It is important to distinguish one from another. Dysfunction is a dysregulation of: cognition (thought), affect (emotions) or behavior. To a certain degree, we all have minor dysfunctions of the personality. Personality quirks or weaknesses are different than an abusive situation. A dysfunctional relationship can be treated with couple's counseling. Sometimes bibliotherapy is recommended for couples (this would be especially helpful with sexual problems). Even group therapeutic couple encounters can be successful in treating dysfunctional patterns.

However, when abuse is present, the following sign/symptoms may include: Physical violence, isolation from family/friends, sexual abuse, using children against spouse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, threats, intimidation or coercion (Domestic Abuse Intervention Project , 2012). If abuse is occurring, making a safety plan with the guidance of a mental health professional, or domestic violence worker should be the first action step. If children have been endangered in the past and the victim feels it may occur again, taking it seriously by formulating a safety plan to leave must become the priority. A safety plan includes: a safe place for the victim and children to stay (such as a close relative, or domestic violence shelter), economic means for them, and transportation method (to school, work, etc). Counselors and domestic violence shelters or hotlines can  give referrals where the above resources can be found. If the couple is non-abusive, then they should be seen together in couple's counseling.

The following are recommended approaches for changing dysfunctional relational patterns: "For the couple characterized by negativity and volatility, replacing what could be called the "culture of criticism" with a "culture of appreciation" (Gottman, Levensen, 2002). Studies indicate that less negativity can regulate the relational imbalance.

Conversely, for couples who have grown apart and are distant, alienated and have unexpressed disillusionment and disappointment, expressing resentments and regrets with the assistance of a counselor can rebuild the relationship's friendship, "Ending the distance and isolation these people may be experiencing" (Gottman, 1999). "Central to this couple's dilemma is their emotional disengagement from one another" (Gottman, Levensen, 2002). It is the therapist's job to build a bridge between the two, a safe environment where they can meet.

Secure Emotional Attachment: There are various factors which influence the closeness or distance which is experienced inside of a relationship. To explore this idea of emotional attachment, Clymer, Ray, Trepper, and Pierce (2006) researched how attachment impacts couple's sexual functioning. "Secure adult romantic attachments are characterized by emotional safety, trust, and intimacy, while maintaining a certain degree of independence." In regards to maintaining individuality, there are couples who are enmeshed relationally, and these "too close for comfort" couples risk being overly-involved, and as a result, may loose a sense of their independent selves, or individual identities.

"Attachments (adult romantic) is determined by several factors, including an individual's general orientation towards romantic involvements with a partner, including trust, felt security, and emotional affectual bonds" (Clymer, Ray, Trepper, and Pierce, 2006). "Secure attachment style leads to greater relationship satisfaction and quality" (Collins, Read, 1990; Simpson, 1990). To summarize, the attachment style of the couple may be influencing their interactions, leading to mistrust, lack of closeness, lack of intimacy, and lack of satisfaction. Addressing non-sexual aspects of the relationship may be the key to overcoming sexual difficulties in the relationship. Therapists can focus on trust, comfort with intimacy and closeness, independence, and mutual support-all attachment related issues" (Greenberg, Johnson, 1988; Johnson, 2002).

Four Factors Of  A Healthy Relationship: Of the cohesive relational factors, these four stand out as most important: communication skills, trust, improved sexuality, and conflict resolution skills. If these areas of a relationship are healthy, you have a happy couple. I will use an anonymous case study from my work with couples to illustrate these four areas:

Mack was a white construction worker, who kept his feelings well hidden, except his temper. At home he admitted picking fights, and being controlling of, and suspicious of his wife. Anna was a Latina store clerk who had trouble verbalizing her feelings, so she cried through therapy. I could see they were plainly in a lot of emotional pain, and were on the verge of divorce. Their relationship had deteriorated into the attack-withdraw pattern described above, and the only time they interacted was to fight. The more Anna withdrew, the more angry Mack became. Mack was highly suspicious because Anna had been "sexting" other men. This injured Mack's identity as a "good husband," and had rocked their marriage. They both presented saying they had little hope for the future of their marriage.

1. Trust-In order to re-establish trust, I asked if Anna had stopped the sexual flirtation outside of the marriage, and she assured me she had. Mack wasn't so sure. I led them through a process of expressing their resentments and regrets, and then making new agreements about the exclusivity of their relationship. They expressed forgiveness of themselves and one another. Trust is usually a large overarching issue that looms between troubled couples. I like to get it right into the open, to let it be known that re-establishing trust is a process, and truly the goal of couple's therapy.

2. Communication Skills-This couple was not interacting, except to attack and defend. The couple engaged in Skills Training in communications, so they could make requests of one another, and express themselves without having to resort to blaming the other.

3. Sexual problems-This was a young couple, so their sex life could have been vibrant; they had been intensely sexually involved at the outset. I instructed them to re-establish a friendship first: to plan dates, and then report on how it went. Before the sex-life could be re-vitalized, the core friendship and relatedness of these two had to be rebuilt.

4. Conflict Resolution Skills-Fighting fair, or coming to a "win-win" solution was a new concept for them. We discussed the importance of compromise, and coming to agreements in which they each got a little of what they wanted, rather than polarizing.

Conclusion: Troubled relationships can be saved. It is often not what is spoken, but what remains unspoken, or "unfinished business," that can sink a relationship. If you have a troubled relationship, seek intervention before it seems irreparable. If you or someone you know is the victim of abuse, don't wait: waiting never helped anyone. Call a Domestic Violence Hotline and start the healing.

References:

Clymer, S.R., Ray, R.E., Trepper, T.S., Pierce, K.A. (2006). The relationship among romantic attachment style, conflict resolution style and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, Vol. 5, Issue 1, p. 71-89.

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Cherlin, A. (1982). Marriage, divorce and remarriage. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

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Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. (2012). Power and control pyramid. Retrieved from: www.duluth-model.org